1. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
2. Chuck can divide by zero.
3. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
4. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
5. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
6. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
7. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
8. Some kids **** their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can **** his name into concrete.
9. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
10. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
12. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
13. Chuck Norris doesnt sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
15. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
16. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
17. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
18. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
19. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
20. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
21. Superman owns a pair of Chuck pajamas.
22. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
23. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
24. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
25. Chuck Norris can kill dead people.
26. When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
27. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
28. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
29. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
30. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
31. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.
32. When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
33. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
34. Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
35. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
36. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
37. After drinking all night Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up he throws down.
38. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
39. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
40. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
41. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
42. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
43. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
44. The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
45. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
46. If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
47. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
48. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
49. The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .
50. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
51. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
52. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting ***** off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
53. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
54. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
55. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
56. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
57. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
58. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
59. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
60. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe fire, fire breathes Chuck Norris.
61. When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.
62. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
63. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
64. Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
65. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
66. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
67. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
68. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
69. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
70. If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.
71. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
72. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
73. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
74. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
75. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
76. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
77. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
78. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
79. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
80. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
81. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
82. Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
83. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
84. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
85. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
86. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
87. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
88. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
89. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
90. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
91. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
92. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
93. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
94. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
95. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
96. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
97. Chuck Norris doesn't come down with the flu, viruses come down with Chuck Norris.
98. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
99. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
100. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more ********?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Dont be afraid to submit some knew ones.
