Just found this group on ye olde facebook, to answer all the jokes related to belgians.
it's long, but quite entertaining...
1. You’re used to the eternal language divide between the Flemish and the French-speakers and to the kafkaesque organisation of public service.
2. You’re used to see chocolate shops, restaurants and cafés at any corner of any street in any major town.
3. You’re deeply shocked and hurt that "frites/fritjes" are called French fries in US English instead of ‘Belgian fries’.
4. You expect rain and grey sky 200 days a year.
5. Road and street works, and double-parking are common in every major city.
6. You think that "laissez-faire" is better than conflict.
7. You master the art of compromises - you ultimately think it's better to find the least bad solution for all than taking up a "harsh" stance that would clearly disadvantage someone.
8. You proclaim being proud to be Belgian abroad while not even knowing the text of your national anthem (Brabançonne).
9. You realise that even your politicians claim that our political system is over complicated -where else could you find for such a small country six parlements, more than 60 ministers (federal, regional, and for each linguistic community) and no national political parties?
10. You consider that driving or moving 20km far away is already "far".
11. You dream of building your own house in an already very dense country.
12. You expect to see a marvellous Grand’ Place/Grote Markt (Main Square) in every city.
13. You proudly state that Belgian beers are the best in the world - all Belgians know that French and Dutch beers taste like cats' pee.
14. You think that in spite of our language-related issues, French-speakers and Flemish is like an old couple who can't live apart and who will stick to its "enfant terrible" Brussels
15. Surrealism is a common and natural feature of your daily life - where else than in Belgium could you find in a maternity hospital a sign "Acess forbidden for children under 12"?
16. You know that administration is a fu**ing nightmare.
17. You always complain about your country in Belgium, but realize once abroad that Belgium is far from being as bad as you thought.
18. You spent part of your summer holidays at the Belgian seaside, eating ice cream and driving a "cuistax" as a child. Seaside resorts like Blankenberge, Knokke, Koksijde and De Panne surely ring a bell.
19. If you're a French-speaker you prefer watching French TV than Belgian TV and all your films are dubbed. If you're Flemish, you're used to have films with subtitles, and you may even put subtitles when a Flemish speaks on a Flemish TV because of the numerous Flemish dialects (but all the TV hosts speak in standard Dutch)
20. Except for the Antwerpenaars and the French-speaking bourgeoisie from the greeny areas of Brussels, MODESTY is a core Belgian value, even the celibrities will stick to that sacred rule. We all know that the Netherlands and especially France are inhabitated by "dikkeneks" (arrogants) and in spite of our huge amount of tolerance, we openly despise them for that.
21. You like eating out and you expect excellent food and restaurants abroad - where else could you find so many rated restaurants than in Belgium?
22. You don’t bother with the church, except for Christmas and your children's communions.
23. You’re used to be the target of dumb French and Dutch jokes.
24. You have a medicine chest full of medicines at home.
25. You think you're as much anarchist as the architecture of your country.
26. You criticize the French-speakers when you’re Flemish and conversely, without really knowing the reason why.
27. You think that lighted Belgian motorways at night is part of Belgian pride.
28. Nationalism is a virtually inexistent conception. The few open evidence of national pride or common destiny occurs when Belgium wins at sports or at the time of a tragedy (like in Dendermonde) - Belgians are always united in those cases.
29. You’re used that your bread is automatically cut "coupé/gesneden" by your baker.
30. You have to hurry up to go shopping before the shops close at 18.30 or for the lucky ones at 19.00 and you can't imagine that shops may be one day open on Sundays in Belgium or later than 19.00 on weekdays.
31. You enjoy one of the best and most efficient health care services in the world.
32. You think that mayonnaise is a delicious sauce with the chips - but mayonnaise is just one choice among 20 other sauces you get in a "friterie/frituur" (chips shop).
33. You doggedly cling to the right of way to vehicles coming from the right as if it was a biblical command and you even take your car to drive 500m to go to the bakery on Sunday to buy your croissants (oh yes, bakeries are open in Belgium in Sundays)
34. You realize abroad that almost nothing is known about your country, except the chocolates, beers, Tintin and the EU.
35. You inwardly think that non European immigrants are too numerous, except when you visit their night shops and kebab shops.
36. You still think that Côte d’Or is a Belgian brand (it’s part of the Swiss Kraft Foods now although the chocolates are still produced in Belgium).
37. You get angry when you’re told that Magritte, Jacques Brel and Hergé were French and that Rubens was Dutch.
38. Your neighbour countries: You love France but despise French arrogance and ethnocentrism. You think the Netherlands is a cool crazy country but you dislike the Dutch accent and their miserliness. You simply don't care about Germany and their gutural language, but you admit they have nice Christmas markets. And Luxembourg remains an obligatory pass-through country to go on holiday in South of France, where you used to buy cheap petrol, spirits and cigarets.
39. Voting: Compulsory, of course. Stereotypes will say that Flemish tend to vote for Catholic, Conservative and Populist parties (except in Ghent). That Walloons tend to vote for archaic, clientelist Socialists (except in rich Brabant Walloon). That Bruxellois/Brusselaars tend to vote for Centre-Right parties and Green. This a cliché, but still
40. You will not find disturbing to see a map of your country with that title upon it “Ceci n’est pas la Belgique’ (Dit is niet België/This is not Belgium)
41. You think that ‘mussels/chips’ is the so-called national dish
42. You actually realize that German-speaking Belgians exist when you see a trilingual warning on your cigarette packet or at the national airport.
43. You have the most sympathy for the German-speaking Belgians, a tiny minority that has never made a fuss.
44. You think that the Atomium and Mannenken Pis are somehow something typical Belgian.
45. You know what the words ‘ring, kot, babeler/babelen, blocus, speculoos, GSM, rand, BHV, communautaire, amai, god verdomme' refer to
46. You like comics especially Tintin (Kuifje).
47. You can drive alone with a temporary driving license, and if you fail at your driving exam, you can still carry on driving with this temporary driving license until you succesfully take your exam!
48. Scandals in all kind and corruption is part of Belgian life.
49. You have already made some moonlighting (travail au noir/werk in zwart) in your life.
50. Sinterklaas/Saint-Nicolas brought you presents on the 6th December when you were a child and you still may receive chocolates, speculoos and massepain (almond/sugar pasta) from your employer at work.
51. You have made family gatherings on Sundays, bringing a pâtisserie and making the ritual 3 kisses when meeting your relatives.
52. You returned home every weekend by train with the Go Pass when you were a student and just paid 5€ for your ticket.
53. You think that rents are quite reasonable in Brussels in comparison wit Paris, London and Amsterdam and that our flats are quite spacious.
54. You live in a street where no two houses are alike (houses in bricks, of course!).
55. You think it’s normal to bring a gift when you’re invited.
56. You’d rather watch sports on TV, rather than doing it.
57. You think that Brussels’ heterogeneous style is part of its charm.
58. You like riding your bike in a Flemish city and you dream you could do the same in Brussels and Wallonia.
59. You feel a bit ashamed for the foreigners when you see the signs constantly changing from unilingual Dutch to bilingual French/Dutch when driving on the Brussels’ Ring motorway.
60. You wish you could speak better the language of the other major linguistic community.
61. You have already eaten cheese and shrimps croquettes/kroketten, stoemp, américain frites, stoofvlees (carbonnades), and croquettes/kroketten (no, the latest is not dog food).
62. You’re used to the smell of warm waffles in the Brussels metro stations.
63. You’re proud that Antwerp is the second biggest port in Europe and the biggest hub for diamonds trade and a fashion mecca.
64. You think that euthanasia and *** marriage are actually good decisions and you don't understand why ethics issues are such big issues other big Western countries like in the USA.
65. You had earlier a bank account in Luxembourg, but you still have good tricks to pay less taxes or pretend you don't have a bank account in Luxembourg.
66. You have a natural distrust towards authority and politicians, because of our turbulent history.
67. You think that Charleroi is the ugliest and most dangerous city in Belgium (hence the –somewhat exaggerated- nickname Chicago-sur-Sambre)
68. You think that Bruges is one of the most romantic and most beautiful places in the world.
69. You proudly claim that Brussels’ Grand’Place/Grote Markt (Main Square) is the finest square in the world. That's it! Punt aan de lijn, point à la ligne!
70. You’re used to come across tourists carrying bags full of Belgian chocolates and starring at "Belgian lace shops" (are the Japanese tourists aware that this lace is actually made in their neighbour island, Tawain?)
71. You think that you’ve an odd sense of humour and you can be very sarcastic from time to time.
72. You’re proud that most of the international organisations in Europe are located in your capital - Strasbourg, Luxembourg and Geneva will never take the leadership!
73. You’re awfully discontent each time you see how much you’ve to pay for your telecommunications and Internet connection bills every two months !!! And if you call Belgacom's customer service, you're up to wait 1 hour on the phone to be heard that they actually can't help you.
74. You don’t link nature with Belgium, unless you live in Durbuy or Botrange.
75. You’re used to eat croissants and chocolaat koekjes/pains au chocolat on Sundays
76. You think that your country may disappear in twenty years or just wonder how long it will stick together.
77. You wonder how rich Dutchmen and Frenchmen can claim that Belgium is a kind of tax heaven when you see how much taxes you've to pay each year!!!!
78. You studied during the Xmas holidays when you were a student.
79. Despite being truely international, parochial spirit is deep-rooted (especially in West-Flanders 'mijn dorp boven alles').
80. You know what ‘wie zal Bob vanavond zijn? / qui sera le Bob ce soir ?’ means.
81. You wish you could live in a Art Nouveau house.
82. If you were a child in the 1980s and 1990s, then Dorothée was your idol if you're a French-speaker and Samson & Gert were your idols if you're a Flemish
83. You think it's wierd when people tell you they are still at their workplace after 6pm.
84. You don’t shrug your shoulders if you see a prostitute standing behind a pink lighted window.
85. You’re used that your train comes late when you’ve got to go to work
86. “C’est pas possible / da’s niet mogelijk”(It's not possible) is more heard than “I’ll try to do my best”.
87. You don’t like when friends ask you how much you earn.
88. You don’t understand how people like the Brits and the Swiss can be eurosceptic.
89. You wonder what kind of things can be called “made in Belgium” if you exclude the beers, food and comics - by the way, which Belgian family doesn't own at least 50 comics at home?
90. You love ridiculing things, even yourself - your underdog attitude becomes often an asset.
91. You think that social peace is essential in our society.
92. You’ve been traumatized by the Dutroux case.
93. You’re so **** proud that Kim Clijsers and Justine Henin have been the best tennis players in the world, not to mention Jean-Michel Saive, Kim Geavert, Tia Hellebaut and Tom Boonen in their respective field. Your expectations of the "Red Devils" (national football team) are below zero and you are positively surprised when they occasionally manage a draw against Andorra.
94. You are not suprised when people greet you with "Goedendag, bonjour" in Brussels' shops and on trains.
95. You think that saying "septante, nonante" (like the Swiss) is actually finer and more simple than the French "soixante-dix, quatre-vingt-dix" and that Flemish accent is much cuter and softer than the Duch accent (‘Ollanders)
96. You wish you could go once to the Binche Carnival - each town and city in Belgium has its own village fête - Folklore is truely alive here.
97. South of France, Spain, Morrocco and Turkey is one of your favourite summer holiday resorts.
98. Nobody but your fellow countrymen understand when you say "amai" and "allez, dis/zeg"
99. You say "please" in English when giving something to someone instead of "there you’re" (because of "alstublieft /s’il vous plaît").
100. If you're in your twenties, then you can be sure that your grandparents retired between 50 and 60, that they have a box of biscuits at home bearing the effigy of the Royal Familly and that they still refer to the former Belgian Congo when talking about the Democratic Republic of Congo
101. You always check if you're not disturbing someone, and probably excuse yourself in advance, especially when you phone. You may even apologize for phoning a customer service centre as a customer yourself!
102. You've never known if we actually have a drinking age because no one ever asked for your ID when you were fourteen and buying bottles of bacardi breezer.
103. You know at least one or two person(s) having this family name: Delvaux, Peeters, Nothomb, De Smet, Van Praet, Dubois, Devos, Maertens, Dardenne, Fléron, Van den Berg and alike, Dewael, Deconynk, Timmermans, Diricks, Marchand
104. You speak about a "heat wave" when temperature is above 20°C for three days in a row and a "cold wave" when temperature drops below 0 on daytime (except in the Ardennes for the latest)
105. You've heard that your country is the only one in the world to offer unlimited unemployment allocations in time
106. You pay 30% more than in your neighbour countries to buy food, drinks, cosmetics and electronical items (Iphone, Ipod) in the shopping centres
107. You know at least one colleague or/and one member of your familly who is part of a trade union
108. Unlike the Swedes and the Swiss, you are not fanatic about protecting the environment. You may vote Greens as long as they don't tax YOUR CAR-an important feature of the core Belgian identity
109. When you were at university at 20, you liked to question established things and get part to decadent parties. Turning 30, you just yearn for a life of petit bourgeois, with your partner and kids in a vast house/flat. At that age, you don't question established things anymore.
110. You like saving money and to find the best way to yield a profi. All Belgians have shares at the bank, but we rather don't talk about that.
111. You prefer paying cash than paying with credit card and you are always astonished that Scandinavians, Americans and Britons own at least 3 different credit cards that they even use to pay for a ice cream!
112. You were a student abroad, you always felt disadvantaged about presentng your country to other international students who, suprisinlgly for you, were aspiring about knowing cools facts about the chocolate-making country.
113. You feel embarassed and ashamed not to be able to name 5 well-known Belgians, while you easily can name 5 or 10 Belgian beer brands and the 5 best place to drink and eat in town.
114. You think that being arrogant, stingy and unpolite is the worst attitude ever.
115. You expect a technician to come and fix your phone line at home between 8am and 12pm, you have to expect to stay the whole day home. If you're lucky, the technician may come on the afternoon; if not, you have to take another day off at work or maybe two?
116. You may have heard that you can carry 3 g of soft drugs and smoke it in a private place with people above 18 years old; but actually, you have heard as many versions about our "soft-drug policy" as there are Belgians.
117. When it's not rare you own your very own place at the age of 30
118. You don't know the name of the ministers who govern you
119. You usually eat something cold at work for lunch (belegde broodje/baguette fourée)
120. You think that we may be the less nationalistic nation.. euh taboo word.. bunch of folk in the world!
**********
78! 102! 113!
Changed your perspective about belgians?
