Manya Rates Your Stories - Nightgunner's Sir Soybean RATED!

Alex 43: 9 chapters so far, eh? Let's add one more to the mix:

It's time for MANYA RATES YOUR STORIES!

Staring the ever so vigilant, dedicated, and reliable: MANYA!

...

...

...

... oh. Yeah, that's right. He left for adventure, and is presumably dead.

Dangit! I shouted the title, so what am I supposed to- ... the people are expecting- ... *sigh*

Oh, I know! ... but, will he ... only one way to find out, I guess. *Gets up and leaves*

...

*From hallway* Dex? Dex?

Dex: *From other room* What?

Alex 43: I just started another MRYR!

Dex: Why the (insert randomly decided word here) would you do that when you perfectly well know Manya's not here?

Alex 43: I ... well, I forgot.

Dex: HE'S BEEN GONE FOR 6 MONTHS! HOW COULD YOU- ... OK, never mind, I don't think I need to know.

Alex 43: Can you join me with this one? It's even well-made.

Dex: Why don't you have Gia join?

Alex 43: He's ... well, he's not really that funny.

Dex: ... I'll take that as a compliment. For today ...

Alex 43: It's either you join or I use ventriloquism to pretend Manya's here.

Dex: Yikes. For the good of the planet and all that touches it, DON'T! *Sigh* OK, hang on, let me bookmark this book.

Alex 43: Thanks, good buddy.

Dex: Yeah, whatever. *Enters room and sits in chair*

Alex 43: Ok, here we go.

Please read and comment.

Dex: "Please read and comment." That's a lame line. There, read and commented. Goodbye.

Alex 43: No no no, that wasn't it!

The PDF version can be found here,

Dex: Ho boy ...

Alex 43: Just relax and have fun, Dex! You need to let loose once in a while!

Dex: That's why I read whatever I want to. It was very relaxing.

Alex 43: Hm? What 'were' you reading?

Dex: "Identifying Living Organs by Taste and Luster for Dummies."

Alex 43: ... you're kidding, right? Why would you be reading something like that?

Dex: In case I get in a really bad mood. I've gotta clean the messes I make, or people will be scarred for life.

Alex 43: I'm just going to sit over here.

and it will probably be updated sooner than this post when there's a new chapter.

Dex: Hopefully not.



Dex: "Prologue". Professional Log UE. Fits the term perfectly.

Alex 43: What's the UE?

Dex: Under-Estimation.

Alex 43: *sigh* This just isn't the same ...

Excerpt from the translated diary of Sar Sobrun, page 51,382

Alex 43: No copyright infringement intended, hopefully.

I have been spying on the humans again.

Dex: Waste of time, buddy. Trust me, I know ...

I know, my mother told me that I should never go anywhere near humans

Dex: Good advice.

Alex 43: *Stares*

for fear of being seen, but sometimes, I just can’t help myself.

Alex 43: Dancing the polka in his underpants in the middle of the road to imaginary music is addictive.

Dex: ... are you serious?

I stay shielded, so they can’t see me,

Alex 43: Because he has a very big shield.

but somehow, the human children have started to make up stories about mystical elves by the name of Sir Soybean, a frighteningly close name to my own.

Dex: Who calls their child "soybean"?

Alex 43: Vegetarians?

I’m just glad that they are children and Sir Soybean can be passed off as imagination.

Alex 43: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to and believe children?

Dex: Feigned innocence. So long as they're harmless, nobody needs to listen to what they say because they can't do anything about it. People listen to adults however because they beat you up otherwise.

Alex 43: Is that why you're so charismatic, then?

Dex: I was a very attentive child once ...

If they were adults, who knows how long I could be grounded.

Alex 43: ... I really don't know what to say about this line. If adults thought the story was real, they would ... shoot the narrator's wings off?

Dex: Hmm. Maybe this will be fun after all ...

And even worse, what would happen to Alfstad

Dex: Just because they're elves doesn't mean they have to make their children's names as impossibly impressive and hard to spell as possible.

Alex 43: I really never noticed that.

if the humans became a threat? It wouldn’t just be me in trouble.

Alex 43: It would be his house-workers.

All the elves would lose their home!

Alex 43: And their house-workers.

I’ll just have to hope that it’s only a coincidence and Sir Soybean was the result of childhood imagination. If it isn’t,

Alex 43: Then goodbye houseworkers.

Dex: You're sounding a lot like Manya.

Alex 43: I know. Somebody's got to be the funny one, and I know you'd rather not.

Dex: Au contraire. Watch me ...

I’ve created a gigantic

Dex: Hole in the wall and have a story to prove it.

Alex 43: Hm. Not bad ...

threat to all elves just by looking at some children who I thought couldn’t see me.

Alex 43: And this is why dancing the polka in your underwear in the middle of the road to imaginary music is not such a good idea of an addiction.



Dex: Chapter 2 - The Teenagers ...

Alex 43: Chapter 3 - The Businessman.

Sar Sobrun was lying in his bed,

Dex: "Sar Sobrun?" Just when I had a little respect for the elves, they created a Sar that runs while sobbing. Pitiful. Who wrote this?

Alex 43: Ok, let's pretend they're dead T-bone steaks dressed up as elves. That work?

Dex: Yeah, good idea. Everything would make a lot more sense.

wondering how much trouble he would be in.

Alex 43: He forgot to do his homework last night.

He looked up to the ceiling and started to remember what had happened in the past week of him watching the children.

Dex: *Nature show documentary* Today, we analyze the wild human children of the southern American lands in their natural habitat. They are incredibly shy, so we have to keep a large distance, as they can hear any small movement and take attention to within a 30 meter radius. Over there, on the left, take note of the brown-furred- sorry, haired female as it shows trust and protection towards that inanimate doll it carries. She wants to protect it like it's a newborn young from the other children as though the doll itself was alive. Perhaps they are natually delusional of schizophrenic, but it is a remarkable trait of the female human child of that young an age.

Alex 43: I would've expected you to just call Sar a Peeping Tom. Have you been taking Manya lessons?

He wondered what might have triggered the children to imagine their stories of meeting an elf.

Alex 43: Well, maybe it's the fact that you've been buying them childrens books about elves and anonymously leaving them as gifts?

Dex: It doesn't say that.

Alex 43: I know. A belief held fast until proven otherwise.

Dex: Clever ...

He knew that the children believed that Sir Soybean was real,

Dex: He's their next-door neighbor ...

Alex 43: Sounds more like he would be the mascot of a fast-food franchise ...

and that their parents passed him off as imagination,

Alex 43: Last time they spend 50 coins on a burger ...

but he’d have to be sure that imagination couldn’t destroy a city.

Alex 43: Due to obesity.

Dex: See, that's the thing about fast-food franchises. They could, and have, taken over the world with its meaty fatty goodness of awesemity.

Alex 43: You told me you wouldn't use that word!

Dex: Aw, come on! Awesemity's a good word, shouldn't the world be allowed its usage?

Alex 43: I was talking about "meaty".

Dex: Ohhhh! ... huh?

Alex 43: Never mind.

“Alblixtned, what is wrong with me?” thought Sar,

Dex: ANOTHER prime example of individualist-parent child-naming. -10% on the spelling quiz for misspelling your own name, Alby! Now you have to repeat grade 3!

Alex 43: "As 'Alby'" What's wrong with you, you ask? Hmm ... maybe it's the fact that you're talking to an imaginary friend?

Dex: Why's the text no longer italicized?

Alex 43: He must've found his angle-ruler.

“First, I disobey a direct order from my mother,

Alex 43: *As Mother* No dancing the polka in your underwear in the middle of the road to imaginary music today, Sar.

and now I get the entire city of Alfstad this close to being discovered.”

Dex: Honestly, how's that possible?

Alex 43: Maybe he accidentally had some explorers following him and he led them into one of the walls of the building. BAM, broken noses, fall down on their backs unconscious, and dragged off to be turned into broccoli soup.

Dex: I hate broccoli soup ...

Sar held up his fingers so close together that they were almost touching.

Dex: He then demonstrates a Tesla Coil.

Alex 43: *As Alby* Oooooh.

“How can I get rid of this problem before it becomes too big to handle?”

Dex: A shovel. A shovel, a bucket, and a very good excuse.

Alex 43: Is that what happened to that broom salesman?

Dex: Nah, I threw him into the ocean. If you're referring to the sponge salesman, though, then yeah; a shovel, a bucket, and a very good excuse MIGHT have been involved.

Alex 43: Remind me to double-check the flower bed after this ...

And at once, thoughts filled his head, growing to rival the number of fish in the ocean.

Dex: 36,833,784,374,568 exactly.

Alex 43: ... are you serious?

Dex: No, but I'd like someone to try to prove it's wrong.

Sar instantly knew what he had to do.

Alex 43: Use the bathroom.

Dex: Wake up, smell the sulphur in the air, and proceed to build the 75-story tower from scratch using nothing but a 2x4, a hammer, and lots and lots of duct tape.

Alex 43: You HAVE been taking Manya lessons!

Dex: ... maybe?

“I must save Alfstad,” he said out loud,

Dex: From what? The trees?

Alex 43: I think he wants to go on a genocide to wipe out every single human in the vicinity.

“and I must do it myself.”

Alex 43: Yup. Genocide, definitely.

Dex: This IS a good story ...

Suddenly, Sar could see the children that he had spied on,

Alex 43: And they were ANGRY!

Dex: Living in a doll-house in a room full of girls is not very good for privacy.

as if he had a second pair of eyes.

Dex: Oh, I see. The children were standing there the whole time, and he just realized it by putting on his glasses. ... man, that's no fun; discovering what's really going on.

Alex 43: Then write your own story.

Dex: All right, I will then.

Alex 43: ... I meant AFTER we do this- HEY! GET BACK HERE!

His black, flowing hair suddenly turned blue and flew up in the air.

Alex 43: Dandruff shampoo. A requirement. Believe it.

Dex: Cool, now he's bald.

He no longer was paying attention to his surroundings,

Dex: And then the bus hit him.

as his eyes were covered with a blue haze. He knew what had happened.

Dex: Somebody turned on the florescent lights.

Alex 43: Somebody jabbed him with an Electrobolt Plasmid. Yay, I finally beat someone in funniness!

Dex: It really shouldn't be a contest.

“Magic,” he thought, “I finally mastered it!”

Dex: Huh. Wake up from a good night sleep and you've suddenly mastered magic. Shame mastering majiya's not that easy.

Alex 43: I wonder what'll happen when they eat breakfast.



Dex: ... does he want us to fill in the blanks?

Alex 43: No, those lines are usually for scene-changes. You write and tell guides all the time without any real stories behind them, so you don't use them.

Dex: I've got no time for imagination ...

“Hey Joplin!” shouted Akita.

Dex: *Wordlessly expresses that, once again, we are in the case and point that there are individualistic mothers in the world that would love nothing more then to leave their children with the most absurd, confusing name as there could possibly exist.*

Alex 43: *Is uncomfortably incontinent with the demonstration.* Excuse me a moment. *Runs to bathroom*

Dex: Heh heh ...

“What now, Akita?” Joplin shouted back.

Dex: Hmm ... *As Akita* You've got a big giant pizza stain on your shirt. *Normal* ... geez, how does Manya DO it?

“Where did Sir Soybean go?”

Dex: *As Akita* Top shelf, right between "The Yellow Duck" and "Bionics of the Atomicality of the 7th Dimensional Subspace Throughout the Approximates of the Third Theory of Space and Time."

Alex 43: Back. Oh, and I heard you mention 7th dimension something-or-other. I found that book in the back if you lost it.

Dex: Nah, I finished it. Good read.

“He probably went back to his house.”

Alex 43: Did you continue without me?

Dex: Yeah, but I only got about 2 lines, so you didn't miss anything. You're a really fast bathroom-breaker.

Alex 43: Yeah, well, I don't exactly ... 'output' any liquids. I am only armor, after all.

Dex: Then what do you do in there?

Alex 43: What a rude question!

Dex: *Stereotypical confusedly paranoid look at the audience*

“Elves have houses?”

Dex: No, elves have condos.

Alex 43: This person's referring them as "elves" instead of "us". That must mean they're not elves!

Dex: Right. They must be T-bone steaks without disguises.

“What else would they live in?”

Dex: Let me think. Tents, tepees, apartments, condominiums, RVs, barracks, business-homes, inns, motels, boarding-rooms-

Alex 43: Yeah, I think you've proven these 'individuals' wrong enough for a lifetime or two now.

“I don’t know, maybe a hole in the ground?”

Dex: HOW DID I NOT GET THAT ONE?!?

Alex 43: Well, because you use 'holes in the ground' as a method of punishment.

Dex: Nothing worse then having your head stuck in a hole in the ground, I always say.

“Why would something so cool live in a hole?”

Alex 43: Sar crawls into his hole, makes sure no one's looking, and then presses the button on the wall to reveal the high-tech elevator that took his vital scans as a passcode. It then took him down into his secret research facility below the planet where they find the cure for cancer and, once discovered, sell it for an outrageous sum of money and donate all proceeds to cattle farms so their next project would be a cure for obesity. This will repeat over time, and as it does, they will constantly get richer and will use their money to get cooler. What can be more cool than that?

Dex: Kids these days. No imaginations ...

“It was just an idea,” cried Akita, “Mom! Joplin’s hurting my feelings!”

Dex: *As Mom* What'd I tell you, Joplin? You don't hurt ANYONE'S feelings! If you're a man, you'd use brute force! Come on, let's hear some PAIN up there!

Alex 43: *Sits even farther away*

“Akita! I thought you were my friend! I’m the one who told you about Sir Soybean!”

Dex: I made you what you are! You are MY creation! Your purpose is to serve ME and ME ALONE! THAT IS YOUR DESTINY!

Alex 43: Was it something I said?

Dex: Nah, I'm trying to get into the zone.

whispered Joplin just loud enough to let both Sar Sobrun

Dex: He misspelled Sir Soybean ...

and Akita hear.

Alex 43: The way it's phrased, it sounds like he wants Sar to hear.

Dex: *As Joplin* That's right, Sar. We know where you live! Midnight tonight ... well, you just make sure you have a very good night sleep. Mwa ha ha ha ha ...

Alex 43: ... nope, still just isn't the same ...

Dex: At least I'm trying ...

It was also just loud enough for Avicenna,

Dex: Do I have to-

Alex 43: No, you don't.

their mother, to hear as well.

Dex: He's not a very good whisperer, is he? Tries to whisper to one person and everybody in the house hears it.

Alex 43: "DON'T TELL ANYONE, IT'S A SECRET!", he whispers at the top of his lungs.

Sar’s second (and now dominant) pair of eyes turned to the house and zoomed in.

Dex: CRASH!

Alex 43: *As Akita* Mom, the vase broke by itself again!

He could now see and hear Avicenna, and read her thoughts.

Alex 43: Mmm. Pudding.

Dex: ... ... ... whaaaat?!?

“I hate this Sir Soybean thing!” she thought, her thoughts screaming out at Sar,

Alex 43: *As Sar* Aah! My brain bleeds!

Dex: And now, we enter the synagog.

“It’s always Sir Soybean this, Sir Soybean that.

Dex: Sir Soybean merchandise, ranging from fantastic glass 9-coin mugs to the beautiful 60 coin t-shirt and matching shorts! Sir Soybean Shorts: Pants so short, you could wear six at a time!

Alex 43: Do they come in adamantite?

Ever since Joplin came up with the idea of that elf, there hasn’t been a sensible conversation between them!”

Alex 43: Define "sensible", my good lady.

Dex: Politics. Government. Entertainment. Celebrities. Thank goodness they've got an elf to talk about, or they'd explode!

“What is it, Akita?” she sang, her voice a far cry from what she was thinking.

Dex: And there goes the self-breaking vase again.

“Joplin is saying my ideas are dumb!” screamed Akita.

Alex 43: *As Joplin* They are, Akita. Using lightning as a form of renewable energy by utilizing a breaker cable hooked into a series of self-maitenencing generators outlined by these carefully-made blueprints to absorb the negative ions and separate the internal chemicals to provide a high-level capacity storage for electrical energy is dumb!

Dex: That's sort of what happened to Tesla, you know.

Alex 43: Who is this 'Tesla'? Why do you like him so much?

Dex: Well, his theory on the electrolysis of majiya-influenced particles by a final transcript I found and burned at his grave-site was only key to discovering how to achieve level 3 mastery, that's all. If the world only listened to him, they'd all be Gods by now.

Alex 43: Thank goodness they didn't ...

“Did not!” Joplin screamed back.

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

Dex: Bet you can't see where this is going.

Alex 43: Can too!

Dex: Can not!

Alex 43: Can too!

Dex: Can not!

“Stop it, both of you!” screamed Avicenna, all of her calmness melting away like an ice cube on a hot day.

Alex 43: OK, OK!

Dex: ... can not!

The children fell silent, and so did everything else.

Alex 43: She stopped traffic!

Dex: She stopped the moon!

Sar had run out of strength and fell to the floor.

Alex 43: Rolled over, fell down the stairs, bounced out the door, rolled onto the street, was hit by a van, flew into a window, struck a support beam making the building collapse on top of him, and was sued for property damage.

Dex: Yeah ... property damage ...

His hair and eyes went back to their original colors,

Dex: But not necessarily the right places.

Alex 43: *As Sar* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!

and his consciousness shot back into his bedroom.

Dex: Cue self-breaking vase.

“Magic sure takes a lot out of you,” he moaned. And then all was darkness.

Dex: He died. The end. Let's go now.

Alex 43: No, that was only one chapter. Only 8 to go!

Dex: ... give me one reason why I shouldn't turn you into a kite shield and matching scimitar right now.

Alex 43: ... because this is fun?

Dex: DANGIT!



Alex 43: Turns zombies into people.

Dex: Isn't that just what the world needs?

Sar Sobrun knew that he needed to go back to spying on the children, but he needed help.

Dex: Darn right he needs help. Who spies on CHILDREN?!?

It was time to reveal that he had created a huge problem,

Alex 43: One that specifically, and for reasons unbefitting the situation, required a mop.

Dex: ...

before the humans started believing the children.

Dex: Hmm. A time-related conflict. They've only got about 12 years to do it.

Alex 43: Good luck, Sar ...

Sar went straight to the leader of the elves, Alerakshar.

Alex 43: YES! OK! I GET IT, DEX! STOP PRODDING ME!

Dex: *Shrugs and humorously smiles*

The guards would not believe Sar until he used his magic to summon an orb of light with video-like footage of the day before,

Dex: *Guard* What kind of dance is that?

Alex 43: *Sar* Oh shoot, wrong tape!

at the house of Avicenna and her daughters, Joplin and Akita.

Dex: *Guard* What's with the pudding?

Alex 43: *Sar* Wrong again. I know it's here somewhere ... *Normal* Wait, Joplin and Akita are FEMALES? Why didn't we get to know this earlier? I thought Joplin was a boy!

Dex: Maybe he was undergoing a do-it-yourself gender-change while Sar was observing them.

Alex 43: Sar's gonna be scarred for life.

“Believe me now?” Sar taunted the guards after they had watched the video of Sar’s memory of the day before.

Alex 43: Good way to get arrested, Sar. Show them you messed up in the highest level and then taunt them about it.

Dex: I like where this is going ...

“Come with us,” said the skinnier of the two.

Dex: I do feel a bit sorry for the guards. They're too insignificant to even have names, and are thus classified by their physique and physical attributes.

Alex 43: Let's call them Ginger and Chunky.

Dex: WHO calls their children "Ginger" and "Chunky"?

Alex 43: Someone with a very sick mind, obviously. But really, who, I ask you?

“We believe you, but please don’t let anyone know. If anyone who’s not from the government finds out, we’ll be in big trouble,” whispered the fatter one.

Alex 43: The guards are given a very specific duty. And that duty is: to never let anyone dance the polka in their-

Dex: *Doomsday, echoey voice* ENOUGH!



Alex 43: You just flatlined the text.

Dex: Good. Now I can go.

After going through more metal detectors and sensors than he could count, Sar arrived in a small room with a huge computer.

Alex 43: TETRIS!

Dex: BONUS!

“What does that do?” said Sar.

Alex 43: *Fat guard* TETRIS!

Dex: *Sar* BONUS!

“Let’s just say, nobody’s secrets are safe in their head anymore,” said the fat guard, who had revealed his name to be Savakt.

Alex 43: Yeah, but everybody, including his parents, called him Ginger.

Dex: Individualism ...

“But we’ll grant you privacy, only the government officials that need to know and you will know what’s in your head,” said Skyda, the skinny guard.

Alex 43: And again. FOR SARADOMIN'S SAKE, STOP PRODDING ME!

Dex: And what'll you do to Saradomin, I ask you?

Alex 43: ... excuse me while I hit my head on the wall.

Dex: Gladly ...

“Wait, wait, wait,” Sar halted in place,

Alex 43: *Sar* I wanna play Tetris first.

Dex: Yup, there was totally going to be a catch to it.

“You’re going to look in my head and see all my secrets?”

Dex: I don't need a computer to do that, you know.

Alex 43: *Sits even further away*

“Yes, if you want to put it that way, but your secrets are safe. Not even we get to know what’s inside,” Skyda knocked on Sar’s head,

Alex 43: A hollow sound was heard.

Dex: BOOM, HEADSHOT!

Alex 43: WOAH! How'd you change your voice like that?

Dex: Majiya's not only for the world around you.

“in your noggin.”

Dex: *Computer* I'm scared ...

“We only do this so if you forget something, it won’t be left out. We’re trying to save the country, not get you arrested for lying.”

Dex: Wouldn't it be better to get arrested for lying then to get arrested for endangering your entire race?

Alex 43: You really want him arrested, don't you?

Dex: Yeah, I've got the perfect thing to say if he does!

“Ok, what do I need to do?” Sar was strangely comforted by the guards. They seemed to be a lot nicer than he had imagined guards were.

Alex 43: *Guard* Just hold still, close your eyes, and count to ten.

Dex: *Sar* One ... two- BOOM, HEADSHOT!

“Just sit down in that chair. The computer will do the rest. It’s painless, don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing,” Savakt pointed at a chair which looked like it was from a sci-fi movie. It was sleek and metallic, and when Sar sat down, it automatically scanned his body and determined blood type, age, hair color, eye color, and even the amount of magic he had used during each hour in the last week.

Sar settled into the chair as a screen lowered itself down in front of his face and started to display the contents of his mind. The guards had vacated the room, leaving him to sit by himself, letting the computer scan his mind and show it to him. Messages started to scroll across the bottom of the screen:

Alex 43: I do like the Four-Word-Frenzies. Wanna try one?

Dex: Aren't they called Four-Word-Mayhems?

Alex 43: Manya could never make up his mind about them. Four-Word-Frenzies sound cooler.

Dex: Yeah ...

Alex 43: For those who don't know, the four-word-frenzy is purely for fun. We take the next paragraph, split it into sentences of 4 words, and try to complete them so they make sense (or sound incredibly absurd, whichever's funnier). Before we start the frenzy, though, due to popular demand, we'll show you the paragraph first:

The mind machine has enough hard drive space, processor power, and ram to download the entire human Internet, spell check it, and store it in under an hour. However, we try to keep our mind machine doing what it was made for. Your mind has been 10% scanned. The mind machine keeps your thoughts so secure that if every human computer in the world tried to decode our cyphers for a whole year, constantly brute-forcing it, they would have a chance of stealing your data equivalent to that of every single fish in the ocean dying all at once of old age. Your mind has been 22.4% scanned. The mind of an elf has a storage capacity equal to about five thousand times that of a human. Your mind has been 31.9% scanned. The mind machine has completed the scan of your conscious memories and will now scan your subconscious memories. These messages will now stop appearing, and we will allow you to view lost memories.

Alex 43: OK, here we go!

Dex: You first.

The mind machine has

Alex 43: Just exploded.

enough hard drive space,

Dex: To put a rodent in.

processor power, and ram

Alex 43: Sheering equipment.

to download the entire

Dex: 30 minutes of the latest Chris Angel episode.

human Internet, spell check

Alex 43: Gratzlamaphobia, please. *Machine crashes*

it, and store it

Dex: In a block of ice for all eternity, never to be seen again.

in under an hour.

Alex 43: While we wait, did you hear about the one where 3 drunks walk into a bar and break their noses?

However, we try to

Dex: Keep your limbs separated from your body at all times.

keep our mind machine

Alex 43: Out of the pantry.

doing what it was

Dex: Doing before we stopped it from doing what it was originally doing until it stopped doing it when we stopped it from doing it.

made for. Your mind

Alex 43: It BURNS!

has been 10% scanned.

Dex: *Computer* And I'm really not liking what I'm getting here.

The mind machine keeps

Alex 43: Punching me! Make it stop!

your thoughts so secure

Dex: Well, not really, but it does half the time.

that if every human

Alex 43: Brushed their teeth, the world would smell nicer.

computer in the world

Dex: Provided it's not Vista.

tried to decode our

Alex 43: 3-letter alphabet,

cyphers for a whole

Dex: 45 seconds,

year, constantly brute-forcing

Alex 43: Each other around the room in an attempt to kick the ball into the other team's goal.

it, they would have

Dex: Wasted 45 seconds of their life.

a chance of stealing

Alex 43: Your watch.

your data equivalent to

Dex: A block of cheese.

that of every single

Alex 43: Drop of maple syrup in the world!

fish in the ocean

Dex: That can do a handstand.

dying all at once

Alex 43: Because of the fat guard.

of old age. Your

Dex: Watch is missing.

mind has been 22.4%

Alex 43: Messed up, you know. You really gotta get professional help.

scanned. The mind of

Dex: The average desert sand beetle,

an elf has a

Alex 43: Really good poker face.

storage capacity equal to

Dex: The average desert sand beetle.

Alex 43: You're not supposed to repeat.

Dex: La la la, I'm not listening!

about five thousand times

Alex 43: Two thousand, which equals ten million! Math is fun!

that of a human.

Dex: A dead one, anyways.

Your mind has been

Alex 43: Permanently deleted due to a blue screen. Sucks to be you.

31.9% scanned. The mind

Dex: Is a wondrous thing, and must always be taken care of by eating the right foods.

machine has completed the

Alex 43: Part where it pokes around your brain with these little sharp needles.

scan of your conscious

Dex: Self and will now proceed to club you over the back of your head so it can examine the unconscious part. Please close your eyes and count to 10.

memories and will now

Alex 43: Fall on top of your head.

scan your subconscious memories.

Dex: Error. No data found.

These messages will now

Alex 43: Self-destruct.

stop appearing, and we

Dex: Want a bigger paycheck.

will allow you to

Alex 43: Wonder just who "we" are.

view lost memories.

Dex: But not necessarily your own.

Alex 43: And we are done! Back to the basics!

Dex: Whew! Gimme a milk, I need fluids.

Sar was impressed.

Alex 43: He just read through a Four-Word-Frenzy without passing out.

Dex: As if THAT's impossible ...

He would have thought the messages scrolling across the screen were lies,

Dex: Yes, lies! ALL LIES! LIIIEEESSSSS!

Alex 43: Yeah, they are lies. He is now shown the memory of him being born only to work as a slave in their mithril mines and through multiple subliminal messages, convert him into another one of their brainwashed slaves.

Dex: I want that to happen.

had he not seen his memories appearing like web pages on a human computer.

Alex 43: He's seen that TOO? Wow, he's REALLY messed things up for them.

Dex: Youtube kills people. Innocent people.

One last message appeared exactly 42 minutes and 36.4 seconds after the scanner had switched to lost memories:

Dex: "Message: WHY THE FUDGE HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING THERE FOR 42 MINUTES, 36.4 SECONDS DOING NOTHING?!?"

Alerakshar will speak to you now. He has sent some guards to escort you to him.

Alex 43: More guards.

Dex: I sense a fight scene. I hope.

Sar used his mind to accept the invitation,

Dex: By means of head-butt.

and the screen slid away into the ceiling.

Alex 43: Where it proceeded to taunt Sar about being out of reach and far more superior.

Savakt and Skyda returned to the room and walked with Sar through an endless maze of corridors and security checkpoints.

Dex: Since it's endless, this story has now been cast into a loop. The action has been already set, and the arguments state that it is endless, and so now this story will never end. Congratulations, author, you're completely messed things up for yourself.

Alex 43: Uh oh, I hope he doesn't keep going! If he does-

Finally, they arrived in Alerakshar’s throne room.

Alex 43: OH SHOOT!

Dex: HIT THE DIRT!

CANADA BEAM!

...

...

...

Dex: *Cough cough* Geez! Alex, are you OK?

Alex 43: Oww. Man, I can't believe I'm still alive. Ung!

Dex: Me neither. You owe us a new room, Ben.

Alex 43: At least Gia will have something to do for the next 3 weeks.

Dex: Don't know if he'd call "patching up the gigantic hole in the SWC chapel" something fun, though ...



Alex 43: Hm. You know, we really should make one of those here.

Dex: Why? The planet finally wants to accept me as its rightful leader?

Alex 43: No, just to ... "rule the household". Heh heh ... heh ... ha ...

Dex: It's a start, I suppose. Continue, though, and die.

As Savakt opened the doors to the throne room, Sar’s mouth dropped open.

Alex 43: CANADA BEAM! SHOOP DA WHOOP!

Dex: Dumb elf king building a Canada-Beam inducing corridor ...

He had not seen what he had expected, thrones and fancy gold trimmed rugs.

Dex: He had expected tattered rugs and wooden stools.

Instead, he saw a long corridor of computer workstations, each with an elf sitting at it.

Dex: Massive LAN party.

Alex 43: *Sar* This castle ROCKS!

At the end of the hallway, there was an orb of purple and blue swirling light,

Dex: No way! A MAJIYA PORTAL?

Alex 43: Dex, this is a story. Portals can be made of anything.

Dex: ... paint portal.

and Savakt and Skyda were taking him right to it.

Alex 43: They plan to ruin his clothes with water-based paint.

“What is that thing?” said Sar, in a daze.

Dex: *Skyda* It's a Glop. It wants to eat your face.

Alex 43: ... word.

“That would be a mystical portal,” said Savakt, “It goes to the board room.”

Dex: *Suspicious glare* 'Mystical' portal sounds an awful lot like 'majiya' portal.

Alex 43: You really got to get out more.

Dumbfounded, Sar walked into the portal, as he was instructed to do by Skyda.

Alex 43: The portal teleported him into a ... oh man, no, I don't want to sound too violent or hating towards Sar-

Dex: The portal threw him into this big room of sawblades and dismemberment cranes that divided his limbs into small sugar-cube-sized pieces and devoured each one with syphons that drew the blood into a separate chamber where each blood cell was vaporized individually.

Alex 43: ... thank you, Dex ... I think ...

He found himself in a brightly lit room with five official-looking elves.

Dex: Channel 4 news team.

Alex 43: But they weren't really official! Moores just had a 5 for 1 sale, and they were in the right place at the right time.

The one which Sar decided must be Alerakshar

Alex 43: WILL! YOU! KINDLY! STOP!

Dex: Because he had a bunch of neon lit arrows pointing right at him in the background ...

(because of photos he had seen) spoke first: “Hello, there, Sar Sobrun.

Dex: She also mispronounced "Sir Soybean".

Let’s get straight to business.

Alex 43: Time really is money, isn't it?

Dex: They need to see the sun more.

These are my associates:

Alex 43: Oh sweet Saradomin, more names. *Runs out of room*.

Dex: *Chuckles*

Kerhet, the security overseer,

Dex: He ... or she sees over the security. She remains in the back row and is very very tall.

Guiden, the head warlock,

Dex: She ... or he ... IT locks war on people's heads. Note all the blood stains on his brand new suit. DON'T make eye contact.

Kavaraa, the technology administrator

Dex: That one ... er ... adds ministrations to knowing tech?

and Kinket, the dragon tamer.

Dex: Why do they need a dragon tamer there?

Alex 43: *From other room* Probably because the other 4 are really dragons in disguise.

Dex: ... I wasn't going to prod you this time, you know.

Alex 43: *Reappears* Even still, you should've known that I already get the idea.

We all know why we’re here, so let’s start.”

Everyone grunted approval.

Dex: And then they all played poker.

“We know the problem:

Alex 43: The problem is that nobody remembers what the problem is.

Dex: Baby steps.

some human children have imagined an elf

Alex 43: Exploded in their faces.

Dex: Except imagination alone doesn't explain the big mess it made.

by a name very similar to that of a real elf who was spying on them.

Dex: *As ... one of the elves* Who spies on children?

Here’s what we’ve learned from the mind machine:” Alerakshar snapped his fingers and a holographic screen rose up from the table, displaying the images on the screen directly at whoever was watching.

“Display first video,” Alerakshar enunciated. Seconds later, everyone was transported into Sar’s memories of spying on the children.

Dex: Not much of a point having the screen, then ...

They could all hear each other think,

Alex 43: *As Aleraksharl* Eww! Sar! That's disgusting!

Dex: Uh?

as well as the thoughts of Avicenna,

Alex 43: *As Alerakshar* Ewww! That's even MORE disgusting!

Dex: Mmm.

her two daughters,

Alex 43: *As Alerakshar* OH MY GOD!

Dex: Come on ...

and Sar’s memory self.

Alex 43: *As Alerakshar* *Faints*.

Dex: YES! *Draws on unconscious Alerakshar with a felt marker* TOTALLY worth it!

Each of the six elves who were watching the memories could walk freely through the memory without worrying about anyone seeing them.

Dex: Thanks to their super-cool sunglasses.

It was only a memory, and a copied one at that.

Alex 43: *As Alerakshar* Sar, what dance is that?



Dex: For some reason, I'm craving a stick.

Alex 43: Uh ... you want to play fetch or something?

Dex: NO, YOU INSIGNIFICANT CREATURE! I just want to hit stuff with it.

Alex 43: Ah.

Dex: And chew on it. Slowly ...

Alex 43: ... right. I'll just go get you one. Slowly ...

Guiden’s thoughts rang out first:

Dex: Ding ding ding badom ba baley bom ba da bom bom bom. I am the Crazy Frog! *Does a dance*

Alex 43: I wish you'd wait for me to actually leave the room before you do that.

Dex: Don't worry, I'll make your brain bleed enough to forget that if you'd like.

“They seem to be exhibiting normal human female child behavior,” he said, gesturing at Joplin and Akita playing in their sandbox with their dolls.

Dex: They were holding the dolls up at a horizontal angle with both hands, one squeezing the doll's arm with one finger, and shouting "BANG BANG!" Occasionally, one would fall over and the other would proceed to express their victory in a rather unpleasant way.

“Don’t you love being on the beach, Melissa?” Akita seemed to be talking to her sister’s doll, pretending to be her own.

Dex: "Pretending to be her own"? Is this supposed to mean they're RENTING the dolls? Hmm, might be a market in that ...

“Yeah, it’s great to get the sand in between your toes, Alexus,” Joplin said as her doll.

Dex: *As doll* I can speak for myself, thank you!

Alex 43: Sounds like the children will grow up to be lawyers.

Dex: Ah, you're back. Did you get a stick?

Alex 43: Yup, here you go.

Dex: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

“I wish I could come here all the time.”

Alex 43: Dyslexic lawyers.

Dex: Nom nom nom nom ...

“But we can!”

Alex 43: Competent dyslexic lawyers.

Dex: Hmm. This is yew.

“Right.”

Alex 43: Doubtful competent dyslexic lawyers.

Dex: Hey, this end's pretty sharp.

“So why did you wish?”

Alex 43: Inquisitive doubtful competent dyslexic lawyers.

Dex: *CRUNCH* Owww!

“You know what I mean!”

Alex 43: Psychic inquisitive doubtful competent dyslexic lawyers.

Dex: We're sort of stuck in a rut here, aren't we? Ow, my tooth ...

“No, I don’t!”

Alex 43: Oh, never mind. Lawyers don't say "No, I don't" to someone's inquiry to a state of mind.

Dex: Thank goodness for that. Ow, what's IN this thing?

“Mo-om!” both girls screamed simultaneously.

Dex: Synchronized screaming should be an olympic event.

Alex 43: You know, I only just realized both those children were girls.

Dex: Took you long enough.

“Wha-at?” Avicenna seemed to be tired. Surely, she was fed up with her daughters always fighting.

Alex 43: So take them out back and SCREAM at them! Doi?

Dex: You really need a parent.

Alex 43: What happened to your broken tooth?

Dex: Majiya-master. Doi?

“I wish those girls could stop hurting each other’s feelings,” Avicenna thought, “Why do they always get mad so easily?”

Dex: Maybe it would have to do with the fact you put spiked collars on them and leashed them to a tree.

Alex 43: Or maybe it's because they play too few video games.

The remembered Sar seemed to be annoyed as he left,

Dex: The remembered Sar ... what? Translation, Alex?

Alex 43: Through the process of remembering who he was during the memory, Sar created an alternate clone, who got annoyed at his own existence and left the plane of reality.

Dex: This story makes no sense ...

not making a sound. Kavaraa was wearing goggles that allowed him to see what humans could see,

Alex 43: *As Kavaraa* Ooh! Jeopardy!

and he shrugged his shoulders.

Dex: Humans look at things in such a boring way.

Alex 43: Oh, I dunno. There are many artists and story-writers out there that only look at the world in an extraordinary fashion.

Dex: Yeah, but they're still humans.

Alex 43: Ok, then, how do YOU look at the world?

Dex: I see it as being something that, if a human looked at it, it would be boring.

Alex 43: ... this discussion is over.

He had seen only humans in the memory, and had not heard anything within the human hearing range from the remembered Sar.

Dex: Interesting. How did they know what the children were saying earlier on, then?

Alex 43: Be careful, Dex! Let's not instigate another Canada Beam, now!

Dex: OK, OK. Someone's slacking off in audio control and they suddenly got deaf.

Alex 43: Thank goodness ...

“Display second video,” Alerakshar enunciated again, and the six elves were transported to the next memory.

Alex 43: A shoot-for-shoot remake of "The Fugitive" by Andrew Davis.

Dex: This is a good stick ...



Dex: Huh. The memories can't keep up with the chapters. Pitiful.

Alex 43: I don't think that's intended, Dex.

Sar’s second memory of spying on the children went on

Dex: Discovery Channel feature. It just never ends.

Alex 43: *As Sar* What else is on?

as normally as the first

Alex 43: Which, with magical goggles, words nobody can hear but everybody else can, and remembrance-cloning, somewhat redefined the expectation of what one would call 'normal'

Dex: You can't trust anything nowadays. Except for sticks. *Crunch*

until Sar sneezed.

Alex 43: KABOOM! BANG! SHAPOW! GUNFIGHTS AND TANKS AND EXPLOSIONS AND PEOPLE FLYING THROUGH WINDOWS!

Dex: Nice going, Sar. You made Alex human for a moment.

It was loud enough for any human to notice it,

Dex: Sounds like it was intentionally supposed to be.

Alex 43: We've might have ourselves a sitcom.

and to make it even worse,

Alex 43: It IS a sitcom!

Dex: Oh horrors!

he had flickered into the human visible spectrum for a full second.

Dex: That's what happens when Otacon makes your clocking devices.

This would have not been a problem,

Dex: No, completely exposing yourself to an arrogant human race that had at first doubted your existence is never a problem, is it?

had Joplin and Akita not been looking straight at the spot he materialized in.

Alex 43: *As Joplin* What dance is that?

Dex: If you say that one more time ...

“How could they have known his name?” asked Kinket.

Alex 43: That's the sound he makes when he sneezes. *As a sneeze* SAR SOBRUN!

Dex: I'm not even going to ask how you did that.

“Rewind twenty seconds,” Alerakshar enunciated.

Dex: *As Alerakshar* I wanna see that commercial again.

The world around them moved back twenty seconds in the time it would normally take to move forward one.

Dex: Thus creating a time paradox and destroying the universe. Congratulations, Alerakshar. The universe died because of a commercial.

Alex 43: Mentos. The fresh-maker.

“Activate slow motion.”

Alex 43: *After an hour* Not US! The VIDEO!

Dex: *After another hour* What?

The world slowed down to a crawl. Kinket’s jaw dropped open when he saw the nametag that Sar was wearing.

Dex: *As Kinket* HE MISSPELLED HIS OWN NAME! HAH!

“We’ve seen all we need to see for now, let’s go back to the board room and figure out how this happened,” said Alerakshar.

Alex 43: After several hours, they came to the conclusion that Glanala, the name-tag maker, was unable to properly read Sar's writing and therefore improvised.

Dex: Hold on. Sar's wearing a name-tag. That must mean he works for a firm of some kind. And he's spying on the humans. Do you know what that means?

Alex 43: He works for a human research department?

Dex: No, he's SLACKING OFF WORK! He should be fired! Sacked! Tied up! Thrown out the window! ... actually, that's how everyone should get sacked nowadays. It would be fun to watch.

Alex 43: Not if it's out a 50 story window.

Dex: YES if it's a 50 story window!



Dex: See, that's what they'd look like after.

Alex 43: I think I'm going to be sick.

Dex: That's why you need a stick, dude. *Chews*

After searching his memories for “name tag date

Dex: Name tags go on dates? They really need books over there ...



Alex 43: Sad-face.

Dex: Foreshadowing?

on-or-around

Dex: Or through, if you work it hard enough.



Alex 43: Another sad-face.

Dex: Probably because they tried 'through'.

second memory of children

Dex: Second-biggest mistake of his life ...

))”,

Dex: Looks like your beer-bazooka.

Alex 43: Except it's got no ammo ...

Sar found that he had been learning how to write in the human language of English.

Dex: Ok, honestly, why would he do that if he was supposed to stay away from them?

Alex 43: Maybe he was trying to discover the foundation of non-confusing names.

Dex: Ah, but of course.

He had written in his sloppy elven script, but still, in the language of English.

“But how did the children happen to be looking at Sar?” said Kerhet, after hearing how the name tag had come to be.

Alex 43: Because he was dancing the pol- *Is whacked with the stick*.

Dex: Because the author made them do it.

Alex 43: *World of pain - Miss a turn*

“That is the only mystery still there,” said Kinket,

Dex: *As Kinket* And we still don't know where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego.

“and even worse, we’ll need to index the children’s minds before we know.

Dex: They need to index the children's minds before they know why they're indexing the children's minds? Dude, be careful! That's how civilization works!

Alex 43: *World of pain over*

But the mind machine has not been programmed to index human minds, so we’re in a bit of a bind.”

Alex 43: Then don't use so many extension cords!

Dex: *Chews*

“What if we could get the warlocks to index their minds with magic?” said Guiden.

Dex: Yeah, sure. If something goes wrong, use magic to make it better. Always the first resort.

“It would be extremely dangerous,” said Kinket, “but we have no better alternatives.”

Dex: *As Kinket* Well ... we could always just kill the children ...

Alex 43: *As Guiden after long pause* THEN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?!?

“Then let’s hope Alblixtned will help us,” said Alerakshar.

Alex 43: If you poke me one more time, I swear, in Saradomin's name, that I will-

[We interrupt this threat to say that you need fooood. You need fooood. There. And now, back to MRYS.]

Dex: *Wide-eyed uncomfortable stare*

Alex 43: Oh ... sorry, Saradomin ...

“I’ll assemble the troops immediately,” said Guiden.

Dex: Woah, they ARE going to kill the children!

Alex 43: No, they're going to use magic. But seriously, why would they need soldiers against children?

Dex: Because they're giant mutant zombie ninja children! With ARs! Duct-taped to each finger!

Alex 43: You wish.

Dex: I do. *Chews on stick*

“Wait!” Sar yelled,

Alex 43: *After long dramatic pause in which the camera zooms in and out a lot* May [insert subject religion basis here] be with you.!

Dex: *Another long dramatic pause with similar effects* I hope so, Sar. I hope so.

“Won’t it be a bit obvious having a few hundred elves in human land?”

Alex 43: Not if they all wear toques. Then they'd be passed off as Canadians.

Dex: ... not that it would help.

Alex 43: HEY!

“Don’t worry, we’ll be shielded.”

Dex: Garbage can lids for the win.

“If shielding would help, the children wouldn’t have been able to see my name tag long enough to read it.”

Alex 43: That's because you didn't use yours right. Take note: big flat part pointing TOWARDS the enemy.

Dex: *Chews*

“I have an idea,” Kavaraa cut in, “why don’t we use some technology?”

Dex: By means of AI-directed homing nuclear explosive?

“What do you mean?” said Guiden.

Dex: *As Kavaraa* By means of AI-directed homing nuclear explosive.

“Let me show you,” said Kavaraa, puffing up his chest with pride.

Alex 43: Bicycle pump! Puff puff puff puff puff ... puff ... puff ... ... puff- POP! Psssssssshhh!

Dex: He must be a hit at parties.



Alex 43: Hmm. Suits that ... agilinso. Whatever that is, I have no idea.

Dex: Let's sound it out, then. "Egg-ill-in-so". What could that mean?

Alex 43: ... they're suits that bring diseased poultry products into existence.

Dex: ... never mind.

Kavaraa commanded the computer to open a portal to his workroom.

Dex: *As computer* Say 'please'.

As Sar Sobrun stepped into the portal,

Alex 43: He was crushed by a companion storage cube.

Dex: I really don't think anybody's going to get that one. *Chews*

Alex 43: You really like sticks, Dex. What's up with that? Is it the taste or something?

Dex: Nah, it's the feel, usually.

he appeared in a large room with metalworking tables, servers, monitors, and random odds and ends that must have been projects that didn’t work out. Kavaraa stepped over a few piles of scraps of metal and pulled a small metal box from under a table.

Alex 43: But no plug-in, making the room sort of useless.

Dex: *Examines stick*

Alex 43: Hey, those bite marks are strangely symmetrical. What's up with that?

Dex: Don't think I'm chewing on this just for fun. Observe.

*Dex proceeds to swing the stick. Uninfluenced by majiya, every object in the room not boarded down somehow is sent flying by its tailwind. This includes Alex 43.*

Alex 43: *Collision and recovery* WHAT THE HECK? How did you do that?

Dex: *Holds stick like a treasure* A little arts and crafts project I know. The holes have to be just right for it to work.

Alex 43: Let me see that.

Dex: Ha ha, no.

“This is my favorite project: Agilinso Suits,” said Kavaraa, pulling out a shiny full body suit,

Dex: ... a shiny full body suit. ... room for interpretation.

Alex 43: The suit in general weighs roughly 700 kilograms with shoulder-guards made from processed wood hammered together with nails that at some point in their lives succeeded in surpassing a 120 degree angle bend. The suit in itself is shiny because it's soaking wet after being dipped in melted marshmellow toppings and makes the wearer stand out like a glow-in-the-dark water fountain in the middle of a sandy desert night. Despite its extreme weight, which is mostly compacted in the backside for balancing purposes, the suit itself offers no protection whatsoever and succeeds in reducing the wearer's mobility by roughly 119%, making the person go backwards every time they take a step.

Dex: Yeah, that would bring diseased eggs into reality, all right.

“They make the user invisible while improving reaction time, strengthening magic, heightening senses, and best of all, allowing you to fly.

Alex 43: ... that too, but that's only package promising.

I’ve also made a version for dragons,”

Dex: They say that dragons needs suits! *Both burst into intense laughter*

Alex 43: *Laughing* Hey, Gia! This writer is giving the impression that dragons need suis!

Gia: HA! What a silly person!

Alex 43: *An hour later* Heh heh. Man, I haven't laughed that much in ages.

Dex: I haven't laughed that much ... ever.

Kavaraa pulled out a larger suit, the size of a dragon,

Alex 43: *Laughing resumes*

Dex: This may take a while.

“but it has no flying abilities because dragons can already fly.”

Alex 43: Oh! OH! The suit's got no flying abilities! That means what if something that can fly puts it on, it can't fly!

Dex: These elves really shouldn't mass produce this stuff.

“So you’re saying that we don’t need to shield anymore?” asked Guiden.

Dex: Vulnerability suits. This just keeps getting better and better.

Alex 43: *Is paralyzed with laughter*

“Didn’t I say it makes you invisible?” said Kavaraa,

Dex: *As Guiden* Just because YOU say so doesn't mean it is.

Alex 43: *Recovers* I kinda wish the author would misspell something. It's hard to be funny with a good story.

Dex: He's probably wearing one of those suits.

“Elves will still need to shield, these things are expensive to make,

Dex: A dollar fifty two. *Shocked pose* Plus tax. *Soundlessly mimics a screaming individual*

they’re only for government officials and our best troops.”

Alex 43: Troops, I can understand, but do the government officials really need cloaking, 700 kilogram suits too?

Dex: Meetings can get deadly sometimes.

“Exactly how many suits do you have?” Kinket wondered out loud.

Alex 43: *As everyone* OVAR NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!

Dex: But they're in the launders.

“Eight hundred ninety two,” answered Kavaraa,

Alex 43: *As Kavaraa* And they're alllll gonna fall on you.

Seven hundred of those are for elves,

Dex: Provided 700 elves are willing to wear them.

Alex 43: Provided they actually 'have' 700 elves ...

Dex: Hmm. Good point, good point.

a hundred ninety for dragons,

Alex 43: *Laughter*

Dex: I really should try drawing one of those suits.

and these two are prototypes.”

Alex 43: That doesn't leave any for the soldiers or government officials.

Dex: Their society is worse than I thought.

“I’d like to take them for a test drive,” said Guiden.

Alex 43: Now the suits are cars..

Dex: Transformers! Warriors in disguise!

The other four elves agreed.

Dex: Thank you, thank you.

“Let’s go,” said Sar.

Alex 43: *As Guiden* Woah, hey! No! Not you! If was your fault we have to do this. You're gonna be jailed for life!

Dex: And the rest of the story becomes based on Sar's existence in a 8x10 jail cell and concludes only when he is either bailed out of a massive explosion due to a failed attempt to kill 2 children wipes their entire race out and moralizes that this is why we don't see elves in the real world.



Dex: A dummy, a suit, a brick wall, and the rest is science.

Alex 43: You know, I've noticed something. We've only been making snide comments after each sentence.

Dex: Um ... so? Isn't that what you usually do?

Alex 43: Yeah, but ... I just noticed Manya usually likes to throw in substitutions in the middle of a sentence.

Dex: ... you've just noticed this now?

Alex 43: It was a contest between the both of us usually. He would deliberately pause reading and I would instinctively say the first thing that goes through my mind. Then he's make me sound pathetic.

Dex: Uh, no. I'm not going to do that.

Alex 43: ... you know, I don't care. I'm gonna try a few substitutions on my own. See if that spices up the "rating" of the story.

Dex: I'm almost scared to see what goes through your minds when you do this for real.

Kavaraa opened a portal to a

Alex 43: Donut shop.

Dex: Paranormality skeptics convention.

Alex 43: Wow. Even you beat me.

Dex: Hmm! That IS more fun doing it like that.

Alex 43: That was a fast change of thought.

Dex: I blame the four-word-frenzies. Brain-cell killers, those things.

very empty room, taking five elf Agilinso suits and one

Alex 43: Very unwilling Agilinso.

Dex: Basket of towels.

Alex 43: ... what?

dragon Agilinso suit.

Alex 43: *Laughs*

Dex: Yes, they can carry a dragon suit. The dragons there must be so domesticated that they completely shed their scales and are probably 1/4th the size of an elf.

Once everyone was safely in the closed room,

Alex 43: Everyone started suffocating from lack of oxygen.

Dex: Remember, kids! Smoking kills! *Examines stick and pretends to use it like a cigar*

he closed the portal and opened another to the dragon housing area.

Dex: *Suddenly bellows* STAMPEDE!

Alex 43: *Jumps and falls over in surprise*

Dex: Didn't think I could actually yell, did you?

Alex 43: Shut up and help me find my visor bolts!

Kinket jumped into the portal, and seconds later,

Dex: Pie came out.

Alex 43: Got them!

he was back with a dragon.

Dex: Dragon. That's it. No description. Alex, if you would do the honors?

Alex 43: Of course. Ahem: The Elven-Domesticated Dragon. The adult male is roughly 1/4th the size of an elf, and has a life expectancy of 7 minutes. The adult female is about half that. Instead of scales, its skin is made out of fiberglass plastic and is extremely flammable, and to counteract that fact, nature gave them the ability to breathe popsicle sticks. Instead of claws, the dragons support naturally grown beer glasses on each of their 17 feet and can lift 3 whole feathers with the cooperation of every one of them. Their wing span is 2 centimeters at average, and they are capable of lasting an entire meter above sea level.

Dex: Oh yeah, that would definitely explain the need for a 700 kilogram suit.

The suits were handed out and everyone put them on suprisingly easily.

Alex 43: But not necessarily the right way.

Dex: *As Kavarra* Why is the turtle neck so darn long and skinny?!?

“These are really easy to put on!” said Sar.

Dex: Before accidently choking himself to death by the obvious leg strap.

“It’s my own special type of elastic,” said Kavaraa,

Dex: *As Glados* The Aperature Science Potential Energy Weight Ejection Device. Do not look into the operational end of the Device.

Alex 43: What's with you and Glados?

Dex: ... I think I'm in love with her.

Alex 43: *Paranoia*

“It’s invisible when you’re in it, and won’t come off if you don’t want it to:

Dex: Unless your head is chopped off.

If there’s nobody inside it, it’s easy to put on.

Dex: Unless your head is chopped off.

If there’s someone inside who wants to get out, it’s easy to take off.

Dex: Unless your head is chopped off.

If there’s someone inside who wants it to stay on, it stays on.”

Alex 43: It's only funny the third time, De-.

Dex: Unless your torso is chopped off.

Alex 43: How did I not see that one coming?.

“How do I activate the features?” asked Guiden.

Dex: You chop your head off!

Alex 43: That's enough, Dex.

“If you want to be invisible, think about being invisible.

Dex: And not only will it completely disobey your thoughts, but it will also send out sirens and flashing lights alerting your enemies to your presence, and then it will chop your head off.

Alex 43: I said that's enough.

If you want the dragon you’re riding to be invisible, think about it being invisible,”

Dex: And it will chop your dragon's head off.

Alex 43: What is WITH you.

Dex: 45 seconds so far ...

Alex 43: What?

said Kavaraa, “Same thing for being visible and able to fly.

Dex: They both involve chopping your head off.

Alex 43: STOP! It's not funny anymore!

Dex: 55 seconds.

Alex 43: WHAT are you DOING?

Dex: This may take a while ...

If you want to stop flying, just land for at least two seconds and your wings will retract.”

Dex: And then they will chop your head off.

Alex 43: WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THE HEAD CHOPPING?!? ARE YOU POSSESSED OR SOMETHING? JUST TELL ME!

Dex: *Shakes head amusedly*

Alex 43: No, seriously. What? What's wrong? What's- are you laughing? WHAT'S SO FUNNY? WHY THE HECK ARE YOU-

Dex: *Pokes Alex 43's in the head*

Alex 43: WHAT ARE YOU- ... oh.

Dex: Yeah, your head fell off during your paranoia spell.

Alex 43: Well, why didn't you say so?

Dex: Thought it would be apparent since you were staring at your own body the whole time and I was referencing decapitation a lot ...

“Let me guess, we can communicate by thinking?” Karhet scoffed.

“Yep,” said Kavaraa.

Dex: PROJECTED DISCIPLINE!

Alex 43: *Jumps*

“So what happens if I don’t want everyone reading my thoughts?” asked Kerhet.

Dex: You chop their heads off.

Alex 43: *Hits head on wall*

“You just think about being reclusive — or the like,” said Kavaraa,

Dex: In other words, you mentally isolate yourself from the world. It works, I guess ...

“and if you want to communicate,

Alex 43: *As Kavaraa* Use your cell phone. Doi.

think about communicating.”

Dex: AND IT WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!

Alex 43: *Brain snaps* I am now content with the world again. Thank you, Dex. You have freed me from my inner demon.

Dex: No problem. Now get your head back on. It fell off again.

“I’ve had enough of talking,” screamed Kinket, jumping on the dragon.

Alex 43: *Bound bound bound bound* *SQUISH!* *SQUISH!* *SQUISH!* *SQUISH!*

Dex: *As dragon* But I didn't even say anything!

Both of them vanished instantly.

Dex: *As Alerakshar* I told you fools to fix that hole in the floor!

Alex 43: I think you're in the mode now, Dex!

Dex: Help ... me ...

Kavaraa handed a pair of Agiksnam glasses to Alerakshar.

Dex: Agiksnam. Says Manskiga backwards.

Alex 43: ... um ... yes?

Dex: Manskiga is an eye-wear company in my world.

Alex 43: Wait ... are you saying ...

Dex: Yes, this author is in violation of copyright law #7442.8.

Alex 43: ... your point?

Dex: ... he's a very bad boy.

“Human vision glasses,” he said.

Alex 43: You wear them and you immediately go blind.

Dex: Yeah, that's what Manskigas do, too.

Alerakshar put on the glasses and still could not see Kinket or the dragon.

Dex: No duh, they're right behind you! Turn around, you idiot!

“Neither humans nor elves can see

Alex 43: That raging fireball about to wipe out the Earth!

Dex: Their toes on a bathroom scale.

Alex 43: I don't know what's scarier ...

past Agilinso-induced invisibility,” the elf king grinned, “Very good. Let’s get started.”

Alex 43: And now, they finally start their poker game.

Dex: You do realize that these suits, with all that description, are all most likely going to completely fail them in the next 2 chapters after fulfilling each feature once or twice?

Alex 43: Oh yeah. That's what happens with suspense stories like this.

“I’ll assemble one hundred troops, sir,” Guiden stood at attention.

Dex: All this for two children ... I've lost all respect for the elven race.

Alex 43: Maybe they're only a 50th of the size of a newborn human or something.

Dex: They're better off riding aphids instead of dragons, then.

“I’ll get fifty dragons ready to go,” said Kinket, appearing out of nowhere with his dragon.

Alex 43: Stomping practice.

Dex: Those poor poor dragons ...



Dex: It takes 7 chapters to develop a plot. Pitiful.

Alex 43: Don't you ever smile?

Moments after Guiden had left the room,

Alex 43: The stench went away.

Dex: It melted. You win.

he reappeared.

Alex 43: What a waste of time!

Dex: Maybe I should've said that.

“We're ready for the suits,” he said, and promptly disappeared through the portal once more.

Dex: They brought the suits in, and they were seated and given menus. Moments later, the waiters went around to take their orders.

Kavaraa conjured up a portal and grabbed the needed amount of suits,

Alex 43: Kavaraa grabbed 150 suits. Each one weighs 700 kilograms. 700 x 150 is 105,000.

Dex: These elves must be a very hunchbacked race.

and Kerhet, Kavaraa, Alerakshar, and Sar went to see the assembled troops.

Dex: One was a fat, overweight slob with a grease-stained shirt who was eating pizzas by the box. The other one was one of those timid loners that liked to sit and stare at room corners.

Alex 43: Why are you so much funnier than I am?

Dex: Because you're not trying hard enough.

It was an amazing sight:

Alex 43: 101 different ice cream flavors, all lines up in a row, color-coded and alphabetized at once. A connoisseur's dream!

Dex: ... nope.

one hundred elven warlocks sitting double on fifty dragons.

Alex 43: You can almost picture this in your mind, can't you?

Dex: Yes ... yes I can. This story has just reached a new low.

Each of the elven warlocks were handed an Agilinso suit and promptly put it on.

Dex: Oh yes. Every one of the soldiers put on a 700 kilogram suit and are all sitting, 2 at a time, on 17-legged dragons 1/4th their size.

Alex 43: This is a really good story!

Each of the fifty dragon handlers put an Agilinso suit on their dragon.

Alex 43: Or what's left of them.

Dex: Dragon flapjacks, anyone?

At Guiden's command,

Alex 43: Everyone retired.

Dex: Everyone danced.

the warlocks and their dragons disappeared. Another command was given, and the dragons began to

Alex 43: Decompose.

Dex: Realize just what they were carrying.

hover. Although Sar could not see them, he felt the wind generated by their wings.

Dex: *Hums a slow German waltz*

Kinket gave a third and final command, and the dragons zoomed into a portal.

Alex 43: After a series of collisions and bone-breaking splats, Kinket shouted "The OTHER portal!"

Dex: That's one bathroom I wouldn't want to clean ...

“Do we get to watch?” asked Sar.

Alex 43: They're invisible, you silly person.

Dex: At least they arrested him.

“Why yes,” said Kavaraa, “yes we do.” Kavaraa opened a portal to his workshop.

Dex: So many portals. Can't the elves WALK anywhere?

Alex 43: You summon a bunch of portals too!

Dex: I am one creature. This is an entire race we're dealing with here.

Alex 43: I dunno, maybe elves are legless, and only have these really big feet.

Dex: You know, the elves were never really described in this story after 7 chapters.

Alex 43: ... you're right. By the MRYS terms and policies, which we just can't find anymore, we've got to change that!

Dex: ... OK, you know what to do. *Gets up*

Alex 43: Hey, where are you going?

Dex: I'm just going to go get another stick. I'll be back. Honestly. *Dematerializes*

Alex 43: All right then. *Takes out felt pen and starts writing.*

Before the story continues, it is my intention as the author to describe exactly what sets the elves as an existence different from humans. Elves are mythical creatures that, like humans, are humanoid, with a head, torso, 2 arms, and 2 legs. However, unlike humans, they each weigh over 600 pounds due to obesity, and are unable to use their unnaturally deformed arms. In order to pick things up, the elves are reduced to using their large tongue like an arm itself to carry (and potentially swallow) items of interest. They come in a variety of different colors, ranging from a dark cobalt blue to a beautiful jasmine pink, and everywhere in between and otherwise. Unfortunately, there is much racism between the different colors, resulting in pretty much everyone wanting everyone else dead, hence the low population and rarity of actually meeting one. Despite the impressive technology, they are imbeciles, and only got said technology from the aliens who took humongous pity over them.

Dex: Back. I got a piece of maple this time.

Alex 43: Just in time, I finished. Wanna read it?

Dex: Uh ... no. *Chews*

He powered up one of his computers,

Alex 43: With his tongue, of course.

Dex: ... OK, maybe I want to read it a little ...

opened video feeds from each of the suits, and selected sixteen at random, loading them into a grid.

Alex 43: *As somebody in the back row* What dance is that?

Dex: *Rolls eyes*

“Let's see what happens,” he said.

Dex: Famous last words ...

Alex 43: And they were never seen again.

The cameras on the Agilinso suits could see through their own invisibility, which helped Sar see what was happening.

Alex 43: I don't think it would matter, unless the camera themselves were directly positioned with the lens glued onto the back of their heads.

Dex: Isn't it amazing what you can derive from facts you do not know?

“We used to do these magical mind indexings all the time, until Kavaraa made the mind machine,”

Dex: It brainwashed everyone who knew how to do it, and therefore left them in a state of trouble.

explained Guiden, “But we've never done a human before — that I can remember.”

Alex 43: Shouldn't be all that different. They don't have very much mind to index.



Dex: Yeah, that's about how much mind they have. Good timing, Ben.

The dragons flew swiftly, so high up that they could have been mistaken for birds,

Dex: I'd do that too if there were 600 pound elves wearing 700 kilogram suits jumping on us in pairs of two.

Alex 43: Fly, little ones! Fly to freedom!

had they been visible. They arrived to their destination within three minutes.

Alex 43: A hot dog stand.

Dex: Saskatoon Airport.

Blue and purple waves of magic began to pour from the warlocks' hands.

Alex 43: They're leaking body fluids!

Dex: No, they just need to wash their hands once in a while.

As Guiden explained later, the blue waves were to index their minds,

Alex 43: Does Majiya work like that? Specific colors do specific tasks?

Dex: Rather the opposite. Majiya doesn't have color on it, but the fragmentation of the air particles around the manipulated object causes a prism-like effect to the light reflecting only certain colors of light to give the object the appearance that it's glowing. The only difference between light and dark Majiya is the frequency in which these particles are manipulated, so it results in different colors.

Alex 43: Interesting. What would you have to do to get a blue glow?

Dex: Kill someone or cause something intense pain and deformation.

Alex 43: Wow, they're actually going to kill the kids, aren't they?

while the purple ones were to erase Joplin and Akita's memories of the mind indexing.

Dex: And forget that they're dead, of course.

Alex 43: Majiya is a dangerous tool, isn't it?

Soon, Joplin and Akita were wrapped in cocoons of magic.

Alex 43: And nobody's caring that they are being wrapped up in blue and purple waves seemingly coming out of nowhere?

Dex: Let's pretend everybody in the room with them is coincidently looking the other way towards a dancing cockroach and are completely distracted.

“Strange,” mumbled Kavaraa, “Joplin has a very large brain capacity.”

Alex 43: That's because she eats her veggies.

Dex: *Chews*

“Could she be an elf?” Alerakshar was afraid.

Dex: Well, that would just be funny if she was, wouldn't it? A human giving birth to an elf and not realizing she's of an entirely different species despite being ... uh ... where'd you put that elf description?

Alex 43: Somewhere in that pile there.

Dex: Ah, forget it. *Chews*

Alex 43: You gotta teach me how to make one of those sticks.

“No, it's smaller than an elf's, but larger than what a human's usually is at her age.”

Alex 43: Another subliminal reference to the ever-amazing bicycle pump.

“Akita seems to have been felatred,” commented Kerhet,

Alex 43: You don't need to sound technical by making up words, Kerhet.

Dex: Actually, "felatured" is a word.

Alex 43: You sure?

Dex: Yeah, it means "Wrapped up in a cocoon."

Alex 43: ... wait, are you saying ...

Dex: That's right. The author finally succeeded in misspelling a word.

Alex 43: YES! MORTALITY AT LAST!

Dex: You scare me ...

“or at least hypnotized.”

Dex: Same thing. Being wrapped up in a cocoon by magical waves intending to kill compared to lulled into a notion of sleep and outside control.

“This is all very strange,” said Alerakshar, “there may be stronger forces than we thought at work here.”

Alex 43: That, or the warlocks are secretly humans in disguise.

Dex: Or the girl is me in disguise. That would be cool.

Alex 43: Why would you be disguised as a girl?

Dex: I'm a Master of Majiya. I can do anything I want.

“We'll have to wait for the rest of the index to be completed before we know what's happening,” said Guiden.

Alex 43: And once the index is completed, the reclaimer must take it to the control room and fire the ring.

Dex: Suddenly, this story makes a lot more sense.



Dex: This is a chapter devoted to the mother of the children who are being destroyed by Majiya.

As the blue and purple streams of magic formed cocoons around both of her children,

Alex 43: They played a game of Texas Hold'Em with themselves.

Avicenna ran outside, sensing that something was wrong.

Dex: Their screams of intense pain probably would have helped benefit that idea.

Immediately, twenty of the hundreds of rivers of magic turned to attacking her.

Alex 43: Does anybody ever run away in these stories?

Dex: Only when they're not actually supposed to die.

Instead of feeling discomfort, she felt very comfortable.

Dex: A pillow fight will do that to someone.

“I think I'll take a nap,” she thought to herself. “It's so comfortable out here!”

Alex 43: Don't do that, m'lady. You forgot to turn your stove off. Your house will burn down on top of you.



Alex 43: That's what your house will look like after it's burned down.

Dex: That was a short chapter ...

Back in Kavaraa's workshop, it was becoming more and more clear that Joplin was no ordinary human girl.

Alex 43: She was a lamppost.

Dex: She was a boy.

Already, she had almost half the brain capacity of an elf,

Alex 43: Thanks to the self-referencing bicycle pump.

and every moment, the magic was finding another part of her mind that they hadn't known about.

Alex 43: *As Kinket* Oh! That's what that dance is!

Dex: I'm glad that's over with.

Avicenna and Akita gave much less information.

Alex 43: *As Frank* Now listen' ere, y'two. We can do dis da easy way, or we can do dis da 'ard way.

They were definitely human, but the past few years were blurry, a sure sign of manipulated minds.

Dex: Must be government officials ...

“There is magic at work here,” said Guiden,

Alex 43: YA THINK?

Dex: *Proceeds to chew stick rather quickly*

“and I'm not referring to the oceans of magic we're using to index their minds,

Dex: Mmm. Maple.

not to mention the amount we'll be using to remove their memories of the indexing.”

Dex: Just kill them! Geez! Save your magic.

“I don't think we need to remove their

Alex 43: Tonsils.

Dex: Will to live.

Alex 43: I think mine was funnier.

Dex: I wasn't playing that time.

memories with any large amount of magic,” said Kinket. “The two humans are in a sort of coma already,

Alex 43: "In a sort of coma." Are there really different types?

Dex: Of course. First is the voluntary coma, where the person knocks himself out entirely by will. Humans refer to this as "sleep". Then, there's the Wild Coma, which is inflicted upon a human or creature by an outside force, and is thereby out of control. Lastly, there's the impossible coma, which is so extreme that it usually involves the victim being dead - unable to recover from it whatsoever. In other words, death.

Alex 43: We can choose which type of coma they're in then, because it's not specified?

Dex: I vote for the third one.

Alex 43: You really want those girls dead, don't you?

Dex: It would end the story sooner.

and Joplin seems to have enough magic to resist even your troops.”

Alex 43: Huh, maybe it IS you in disguise.

Dex: *As Kinket* It's no use! 100 elven warlocks on dragons are not enough to stop this human child!

“It looks like we have all we can get from Akita,”

Dex: 2 peanut shells, a gum wrapper, and a nickel.

Kerhet yelled into the microphone that was connected to all of the Agilinso suits,

Alex 43: OK, each of the suits all are connected to each other by a microphone.

Dex: It would explain why the warlocks aren't doing well. They're choking on all those wires hooking them up to the mic.

“move all magic from Akita to Joplin.”

Alex 43: They're creating a multiple-personality-sclerosis now.

Dex: I wish they'd make up their minds.

“You don't have to yell,” Kavaraa said as all 100 warlocks cringed at the noise.

Dex: ... wow. The author attempted a show of humor. I can't remember the last time that happened in this story.

Alex 43: Kerhet's a banshee and Kavaraa's a priest.

“Uh-oh,” said Sar, “it looks like Joplin has a higher brain capacity than an average elf.”

Dex: She's gonna blow!

“Why did the troops just stop with the magic?” said Kinket.

Alex 43: Because you yelled in their ears with a microphone.

Dex: And now they're on strike.

“Oh no,” cried Guiden,

Alex 43: *As Guiden* I lost a contact lens!

“they've been Felatred,

Alex 43: There's that misspelled word again.

Dex: Unless it's my internal dictionary that's wrong.

Alex 43: We appear to be in yet another rut.

Dex: *Innocently proceeds to chew on stick*

all of them at once! It's as if Joplin could turn their magic back at them!”

Dex: *As Guiden* In fact, she's turned it around the entire 360 degrees!

She had done just that.

Alex 43: Definitely you in disguise.

Dex: *Does an above-the-waist dance* Oh yeah! Who owns! I do! Uh huh!



Dex: Yay, almost done. I wanna to go out and hit people after this.

Alex 43: Who are you going to hit?

Dex: Ben.

“Kavaraa, do you have any

Alex 43: Spare change?

Dex: Reason not to hit me with blunt objects every 10 second interval?

way to get the troops back here in those suits?” screamed Guiden.

Alex 43: What? They took them off?

Dex: Who wouldn't take off a 700 kg suit?

“Yes, and you don't need to yell,” said Kavaraa calmly as he pushed a large red button.

Alex 43: SELF-DESTRUCT IN 10 SECONDS.

Dex: Yay, confetti. *Chews stick*

There was a loud thud a few seconds later as all 100 troops and 50 dragons appeared in a jumbled heap in the middle of the workshop.

Alex 43: The workshop being confined to an 8' by 8' room, there was a little bit of a problem with the abort.

Dex: They need more big red buttons. *Admires completed stick*

“Where am I?” a few of the troops wondered out loud.

Alex 43: *As RPer* You are in a large dark room with no entrances and exits save for two large caves spread in front of you like two large glistening eyes. One of them glows a hot firey red and smells like sulphur. The blue one smells like flowers and peace, and you can hear the frequent sound of children screaming in laughter. Which cave do you take?

Dex: I'd take the red one. Seriously.

Others moaned, “Who am I?”

Alex 43: *As Leonitus* You are Spartans! Fight for your country!

Dex: Yeah, I'm not going to say anything anymore. I think you've got this chapter. *Wanders around duel-wields both sticks like swords*

Suddenly, their magic started working again as they floated up into the air

Alex 43: *Makes the sound of a rapidly deflating balloon*

Dex: *Self-RPing* I am the D-man! Fear my blade!

and were each enclosed in a cocoon of blue light.

Alex 43: Great, the magic made them emo.

Dex: You wanna toy with me? You think you can handle the storm? Huh? You want some, buddy?

“I guess the only thing we can do is watch them

Alex 43: Eat cerial.

Dex: Prepare to DIE!

Alex 43: Aw man, you weren't even playing that time and you still beat me!

Dex: Not now, Alex, I'm in the zone! *Swings sticks around in slow motion while randomly floating around in impossible combat poses*

heal themselves,” said Guiden, “At least they'll be able to think straight in a few minutes.

Alex 43: As opposed to thinking curved, in a loop-de-loop with a jagged fork in the path.

Dex: HIYA! *Swing-and-a-Woooosh*

Alex 43: Waaaaaah! *Flies into ocean*

Dex: ... I don't suppose saying "oops" will have any effect on the situation?

Alex 43: *Yelling from ocean* IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME HOW TO MAKE THOSE, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU DO THESE SHOWS ON YOUR OWN!

Dex: Yeah, I don't know who it would be more punishment to: me or the audience.

After about an hour of healing, they'll be extremely tired,

Dex: And after they sleep, they'll be extremely hungry. And after they eat, they'll be extremely bored. And when they go do something fun like try to wipe my memory clean while I'm disguised as a human girl child, they're gonna lose their minds even more until they don't have enough brain matter left to even live! And then they'll die, and it's all your fault, Guiden! HUZZAH!

but they will have their minds back.”

Dex: Wrapped in saran wrap in a neat little plastic container.

Guiden turned to Kavaraa, “I trust you have some way to accelerate the magic?”

Dex: Kavarra hands Guiden a knife. *As Kavaraa* Yes. Simply yes.

“I would if the suits were still working,” Kavaraa replied,

Dex: They add a +5 to their healing skill.

Alex 43: *Enters room all soaked and glares at Dex*

Dex: You know, if you were made of something rustable like iron, I wouldn't have done that.

Alex 43: ... apology accepted ... mostly.

“But the teleportation took a lot out of the batteries.

Alex 43: Uh, catch me up on the plot. Why did they teleport the innards out of the batteries?

Dex: Dunno. Maybe their last resort is to get the kids covered in battery acid?

I'd be surprised if the suits could function as air conditioners.

Alex 43: Me too, seeing as the suits don't have any attached to them.

We'll just have to wait it out and get the suits recharged after they finish healing.”

Alex 43: Ah, they recalled the mages. One little powerless girl VS a hundred elf warlocks on dragons. Score one for the human race.

Dex: I don't like the elves anymore.

“Kinket, how are the dragons doing?” said Kerhet.

There was a quiet moan.

Alex 43: They're STILL alive?!?

Dex: Maybe we- sorry, I mean Ben should redesign them just a tad.

Alex 43: To make them stronger?

Dex: To kill them faster.

“Kinket?” he screamed,

Dex: You know, whenever I read "screaming", I think about a high-pitched franticness befalling the speaker in which the entire point to it in the first place is to try and break as many glass objects in the room.

Alex 43: Yeah. Me too ...

“What's wrong? Where are you?”

Alex 43: *As Kinket* Try ... looking ... down ... and getting ... off ... my face.

“I'm under this dragon.

Alex 43: Close enough.

Dex: It should eat him.

It's little Tamnardav, the smallest one. She fell on me when she appeared and now she's too tired to move,”

Dex: Falling on people takes a lot out of you, doesn't it?

Alex 43: It does. Once I accidently fell off a cliff overlooking the Feldip Hills. Bounced for a whole minute. Didn't hurt or anything, but man, was I sleepy afterwards.

Dex: I meant that sarcastically, but ... actually ... um ... you know what, I'm just going to shut up now.

he moaned, “Poor little thing, she's so hungry!”

Alex 43: Bring on the pastries!

Dex: *Brings on the pastries*

Alex 43: Promise me you didn't make those.

Dex: Promise. It was Gia. Mine, you can't exactly 'bring them on'. They do it themselves.

Alex 43: I'll just forget you implied that idea. *Eats pastries*

Dex: The filling, though, is all me.

Alex 43: *Expected result*

Dex: I'M KIDDING!

Guiden snapped his fingers and levitated the 250-pound dragon off of Kinket.

Dex: *Odd stare*

Alex 43: What is it?

Dex: The dragon is exactly 250 pounds.

Alex 43: So?

Dex: ... well, do the dragon trainers focus on making them weigh exactly 250 pounds or something? What's up with that?

Alex 43: Uh ... I think you're just over-reacting.

Dex: Am I? Read on.

“Where am I going to find over ten tons of dragon chow?” moaned Kinket,

Alex 43: ... um, OK?

Dex: Look, just the rest of it.

“These dragons forgot how to hunt!”

“Can you wait a few minutes?” said Guiden, “I'll try to get some of the troops revived, then they can summon the food. I'll make some for Tamnardav right now.”

He began chanting magic words as Kinket ran over to a supply closet to get a food bowl. As soon as he had returned and placed the bowl in front of Guiden, large pellets of dragon chow began raining into the bowl. Tamnardav, the only conscious dragon, began gulping down the food as soon as she could run over to the bowl. Guiden had to concentrate in order to get only 200 pounds of food and not continue filling the bowl until the little dragon exploded.

Soon, the dragon had eaten 200 pounds of chow, and Guiden was busy reviving as many of his troops as he could.

24 were revived, 57 were still healing, the rest were out cold, having used up all their magic, trying to recharge.

First, they summoned a large bowl, big enough to hold fifteen tons of food, then each of them summoned 800 pounds of dragon chow into the bowl.

Alex 43: ... yes?

Dex: What the heck is up with all those "exact" numbers? "He poured the exactly 250 dragon exactly 200 pounds of food. After the exactly 250 pound dragon ate exactly 200 pounds of food, they summoned a bowl to hold exactly 15 tons of food. Then each of the resurrecting mages, unable to move because they used all their magic, summoned exactly 800 pounds of food each into the bowl."

Alex 43: ... sounds like an agenda for a meeting.

Dex: Exactly. No flexibility for whatever should have some like weights and capacities, and full flexibility for the actual characters and setting! For all we know, they could be in a rotting-down old shed with a low-rise roof and no air fresheners for miles.

Alex 43: That's no good! We must FIX it!

Dex: How will you do it, now?

Alex 43: The only way we can ...

Dex: ... oh geez, you're not suggesting-

Alex 43: Yes. I am. ANOTHER FOUR-WORD-MAYHEM!

Dex: Yup, you are- wait, Mayhem? Isn't it supposed to be 'frenzy'?

Alex 43: Yeah, but "Mayhem" is more Manya-style. Represents him more. I want to dedicate this show to him.

Dex: It's HIS show!

Alex 43: QUIET! Here we go!

Dex: Ho boy ... just when I thought we were nearly done ...

“Can you wait a

Alex 43: Hundred thousand years for the next chosen one?

few minutes?” said Guiden,

Dex: *Sigh* No, I can't! Alex is making me go through another 4-word mayhem.[/color
]
[color=#00FFFF]Alex 43: It's "frenzy", Dex.

Dex: OH COME ON!

“I'll try to get

Alex 43: Milk and eggs on my way back from work.

some of the troops

Dex: Massages. All around. 10 minutes of constant poundings.

revived, then they can

Alex 43: Beat each other up in training exercises again.

summon the food. I'll

Dex: Just sit here and do nothing and be a lazy slob and eat all the potato chips.

make some for Tamnardav

Alex 43: So I can test out this new food poisoning technique he learned off the internet.

right now.”

He began

Dex: Crying like a little baby and flailing his arms around without reason.

chanting magic words as

Alex 43: Laryngitis set in.

Kinket ran over to

Dex: The hospital and said "I broke both my legs!"

a supply closet to

Alex 43: Get himself piled up by the resulting mess that poured out of the overstuffed closet.

get a food bowl.

Dex: Then he placed it on his head and shouted "I am Super-Elf!"

As soon as he

Alex 43: Found the needle he lost in the haystack weeks ago,

had returned and placed

Dex: The rook on B5, the queen checked the king.

the bowl in front

Alex 43: Was filled with some very thick gooey substance that was later identified as 'nothing'.

of Guiden, large pellets

Dex: Sank into his skin and his body fell before the might of the machine gun.

of dragon chow began

Alex 43: Chowing on the dragons.

raining into the bowl.

Dex: Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail, nor pain of death will stop the mail.

Tamnardav, the only conscious

Alex 43: Being in the city,

dragon, began gulping down

Dex: The elves. One by one. Head-first.

the food as soon

Alex 43: As the countdown timer started. Will he break the world record? Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen!

as she could run

Dex: And trip and trip and trip and fall and splat and roll and tumble and break all her bones and become a dentist.

over to the bowl.

Alex 43: The SUPER BOWL! FOOTBALL FANS, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOME REAL ACTION! EVERY DAY, FOR 24 HOURS! NON-STOP HITS, THRILLS, SPILLS, AND ACTION! DON'T MISS A SECOND OF IT! I DARE YA!

Guiden had to concentrate

Dex: On deciphering what Alex just said and what sort of demon possessed him to say such a thing.

in order to get

Alex 43: A big screen TV to watch the SUPER BOWL on!

only 200 pounds of food

Dex: Remained in the entire world. And he ate every single bit of it.

and not continue filling

Alex 43: The gas tank, since it would be much too expensive to continue.

the bowl until the

Dex: Fat lady sings.

little dragon exploded.

Soon,

Alex 43: The little dragon exploded.

the dragon had eaten

Dex: The entire Minnesota government and capitalist convention members.

200 pounds of chow,

Alex 43: 300 pounds of fruit, 50 elves, 37 gallons of ice cream, 700 pounds of dried moose-meat, and a partridge in a pear tree marinated in lemon sauce.

Dex: Gimme one of those pastries ...

and Guiden was busy

Dex: Trying to figure out how they were going to pay for all that food.

reviving as many of

Alex 43: The terrorist conspiracy rumors.

his troops as he

Dex: Shot.

could.

24 were revived,

Alex 43: 47 were exterminated,

57 were still healing,

Dex: 63 were in the third sort of coma,

the rest were out

Alex 43: On a date, watching movies, playing pool ... that sort of thing.

cold, having used up

Dex: Every single one of their 2x4s on building a treehouse for the kids.

all their magic, trying

Alex 43: To cook a sardine.

to recharge.

First, they

Dex: Did their taxes.

summoned a large bowl,

Alex 43: The SUPER BOWL!

big enough to hold

Dex: 2 strawberries and a caramel drop.

fifteen tons of food,

Alex 43: For three seconds. Tops.

then each of them

Dex: Fainted from the horrid smell.

summoned 800 pounds of

Alex 43: Rabid foxes.

dragon chow into the bowl.

Dex: Then, add 6 dozen eggs, 20 bags of flour, 12 litres of skim milk, 2 containers of vanilla, mix the SNOT out of all that stuff, and then bake it at 600 degrees for 12 minutes. Viola! A big giant dragon-chow pastry! *Eats pastry*

Alex 43: And that's it!

Dex: Thank goodness! I'm gonna go hit stuff now-

Alex 43: NOT yet! There's still 3 paragraphs.

Dex: *Groan* What could possibly occur in 2 paragraphs to super-charge the plot great enough to mane an effective cliff-hanger?

Kinket was busy waking the dragons in a non-threatening manner.

Alex 43: By jabbing them in the eyes.

Dex: By jumping on their backs.

He didn't want them to be spooked and start rampaging.

Dex: Which is why he uses a tazer. That way, they may be spooked, but they won't rampage.

The dragons realized how hungry they were and hurried over to the food bowl.

Alex 43: To their bitter, horrifying disappointment.

They ate their fill,

Dex: Seven elves apiece,

then laid themselves down in a corner and fell asleep.

Dex: My word! What a cliff-hanger! "How long will they sleep? Will the dragons wake up? Find out in chapter 10! Coming fall, 2009!!"

Alex 43: And that's the story. Well, 9 chapters, anyways.

Dex: Great. Bye. I'm gone. Outta here! See ya-

Alex 43: NOT YET! We actually have to rate it now!

Dex: *Sighs and hands Alex a sheet of paper*

Alex 43: ... what's this?

Dex: A list of choice words I would like to use to describe it. If any of them seem inappropriate, you can cross them out.

Alex 43: *Reads the sheet, trembling more and more the further he goes*

Dex: Well? Which words can't I use?

Alex 43: ... ALL of them!

Dex: OK, then. It was ... done. *Teleports*

Alex 43: ... ... ... *Shrugs*

OK, this is the first time I'm actually rating a story myself, so try not to take too much offense or anything.

You built up the plot, ran it through, and carried it out in a sort of climax in the middle. Then you eased the reader out with the conclusion of the story. That was good, but the problem is that you're thinking of continuing the story and adding more chapters when you've already seemingly ended the whole thing. There's no thought of a cliff-hanger, and hardly any mystery shrouding what just happened to make the reader wonder what happens next, except for the fact that one of the human daughters has a brain capacity larger then an elf.

Which is another thing I'd like to point out. In the stories, you have complete control over your characters. Who they are, what they can do, and most importantly, what they look like. You called them elves and dragons, but you never actually told us what they ARE. ... in other words, you hardly described anything and stuck primarily with the technicalities of the building of the plot. For all we knew, the dragons could've been tiny, weak, feather-light creatures (With the exception you gave us the impression that the smallest one of them weighs 'exactly' 250 pounds.) and the elves could've been these fat, obese slobs with dysfunctional arms, hardly any leg or neck to show, and wear Darth Vader face-masks as importantly as though the very air they breathe is contaminated with a parasitic-like gas that constantly implodes the lungs until the individual suffocates from the compression and must from now on breathe through a bicycle pump.

Another thing that sort of annoyed me was the preciseness of everything that never had to be. "They sent out exactly 100 soldiers on exactly 50 dragons." Compare this to: "Around 100 soldiers, riding on dragons in pairs of two, were prepared for battle." There could be more or less, nobody cares if you know how to count properly. I just find it sounds a bit more flexible and, if anything, realistic. Don't be afraid to use averages and fractions: "About a fifth of the warlocks transfered their magic targets towards the other child". See? Much cleaner.

Lastly, props to you on not only pretty well flawless spelling, but you've also experimented with new words here and there. A story you can learn words from is usually a well-thought story, and I'll give you a bonus point for making Dex have to look up a word, despite him pulling out a differently spelled version.

All in all, if I was rating this out of 10, I will give you an 8.5. In the future, please do take the time to actually give our imaginations a break and describe the characters, the setting, and even a little bit about the reasoning why something happens that's not told from a character's point of view. Trust me, you can make your story nearly twice as long and twice as interesting easily if you do just that.

Plus, it will be more fun to 'rate'!

Now then, with that, I bid thee farewell, and apologize that Manya wasn't here today. Soon, though, we'll find him, and try to get him to come back somehow. Cheers, and keep on writing!

*CLICK*

The views and thoughts of Many- sorry, Dex's are entirely his own opinions and beliefs. Though he can be rather rude and obnoxious sometimes, he usually is good-humored and doesn't mean 'everything' he says to be taken like it's supposed to be a new way of life. If you have any concerns about the things Dex implies, or just want to call him names, PM Alex 43 and he'll be sure to pass the letter to Dex. Slip him a couple of coins, and he'll do it anonymously.