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 Post subject: College admittance paper, for Drury
PostPosted: November 24th, 2008, 4:04 pm 
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I wrote this as my paper for my Drury application, it's pretty much in it's final form. My English teacher just went over it with me.

The subject was "something that has greatly influenced your life" so I did mine on being a vegetarian.

Tell me what you think

Code:
C.J. Obermaier
Drury Paper

A Vegetarian at Carnivore Center

My earliest childhood was spent in northern California where vegetarianism is widely accepted, so it was the norm. Everyone from the librarian to the mailman to my friends were vegetarians. But then came “the move.”
   Moving to Missouri in the 7th grade was a massive culture shock. Life here is lived differently. Although I knew that most American’s are not vegetarians, I was shocked at how few of them there were in my new hometown. Even today, four years later, there are only four other vegetarians in my high school. To boot, I am the only one that has been one my whole life. I am not only the only life-long vegetarian in my school, but I am also the only life-long vegetarian in my town (I think so, anyway). In this paper, I will explore three aspects of my vegetarianism: why I believe what I believe, how it has helped my worldview, and how others view me, such as friends and peers.
   My first and most steadfast belief is that eating meat causes unnecessary suffering. On a very personal level, I see no reason to cause any living creature harm if it can be avoided – taking one life to sustain one’s own is just morally wrong.
   Although I do hold this belief strongly, I do allow for certain exceptions. For instance, Native Americans killed animals to survive. However, they did so only when necessary. Also, they used every part of the animal so that none went to waste. They respected the lives of animals and even gave thanks for the animals sacrifice.   
   They, however, are not the ones I have a beef with. What really angers me is the way that modern Americans get their meat. From McDonald’s to KFC, slaughter on an unimaginable level is used to supply us with food. It is disgusting and completely inhumane.
   My religious believes preclude such practices. I don’t think that God intended for humans to consume the amount of animals on the scale they do. I even believe that it is, according to the Bible, Adam and Eve did not eat meat in the Garden of Eden until they committed the original sin. So, it naturally follows, that eating meat became the practice of sin. If further evidence is needed, the Ten Commandments prohibit one from killing – “thou shall not kill” not “thou shall not kill humans.”
   It may seem arrogant (but I will chance it), but I think that I value life more than carnivores, or non-vegetarians. They see killing another living creature as acceptable because it is done to sustain their own life. I don’t see it that way at all. I believe that the world is a place where intelligent beings can live without destroying the life of their fellow creatures. When I look at a farm animal, I do not think about how good it might taste, I think about it as a fellow, living creature.
   An objection often made to this is that lions kill other animals, so why can’t we? But if one considers the fact that we have an intelligence that allows us to live without stooping to killing other animals, then the argument is false. Our intelligence also causes us to reflect on our actions. A lion or tiger, or any other animal that kills another to survive, cannot comprehend what they are doing.
   So, where does all of this get me with my friends and peers? I am usually the conversation topic at the lunch room table. Friends are always poking barbs, or putting meat on my plate. Usually, when someone finds out that I am a vegetarian, they jump right to the conclusion that I am suffering, and missing out on something important. They tell me how sorry they are for me. I have grown used to it, but if I am in a bad mood and one of my friends ask me to explain why I believe the way I do, I nearly explode.
   My vegetarianism has shaped me and the way I look at life. Yes, it is hard at times to put up with all of the flak, but it is worth it. Being a vegetarian has shaped me into an individual (one who stands alone most of the time) who cares deeply about the world around me. I love all the world has to offer and wish only health and happiness to all living things, vegetarians, non-vegetarians, and animals alike.

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 Post subject: Register and login to get these in-post ads to disappear
PostPosted: November 24th, 2008, 4:04 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: College admittance paper, for Drury
PostPosted: November 27th, 2008, 1:46 am 
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The entire essay doesn't properly address the question. You're saying your beliefs and defending them, but you don't spend enough time saying why.

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 Post subject: Re: College admittance paper, for Drury
PostPosted: November 27th, 2008, 1:51 am 
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i think the subject on being a vegetarian is a good subject to pick because colleges don't just want smart committed students they want students with all kinds of different beliefs because they want a well rounded and varied community

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 Post subject: Re: College admittance paper, for Drury
PostPosted: November 30th, 2008, 4:07 pm 
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Mushroom Queen wrote:
The entire essay doesn't properly address the question. You're saying your beliefs and defending them, but you don't spend enough time saying why.


Ya i can see what you mean

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 Post subject: Re: College admittance paper, for Drury
PostPosted: December 12th, 2008, 12:32 am 
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I know this is old and probably too late to change, but you're thesis is really bad.

Quote:
In this paper, I will explore three aspects of my vegetarianism: why I believe what I believe, how it has helped my worldview, and how others view me, such as friends and peers.


First off, you shouldn't put "In this paper, I will explore...". The reader should already know what your paper is about by the time they reach your thesis, there's no need to repeat something they already know. Also, the colon just doesn't belong there. And in my opinion, I wouldn't consider "why I believe what I believe" a valid point or even a proper sentence at that. It should be "why I believe in vegetarianism", but even that it isn't a valid point, that information should be expressed before the thesis. I would have wrote something along the lines of this, with a different point for my third argument.

Quote:
Vegetarianism has shaped how I view the world, how my peers view me, and _____________.

The essay/paper also needs to be much longer and you need to expand on your explanations and ideas. Your paragraphs aren't nearly long enough and they only briefly describe what your arguments are. I know vegetarianism is your belief but you have to try to keep opinions out of essays, they don't belong there. Sentences such as:

Quote:
It is disgusting and completely inhumane.


Should be replaced with something like:

Quote:
Vegetarians feel that it is disgusting and inhumane to treat animals in such a fashion.


You also have some word placement mistakes and some other mishaps with your wording.

I'm really sorry for picking apart your paper... :oops:


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 Post subject: Re: College admittance paper, for Drury
PostPosted: December 12th, 2008, 8:04 am 
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Np total plox, but the paper was only suppose to be 2 pages, i found it really hard to put it in a 2 page paper

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 Post subject: Register and login to get these in-post ads to disappear
PostPosted: December 12th, 2008, 8:04 am 
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