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Really? Well, if you insist ...
Officer Travis Wagner drove down the highway at twenty miles over the speed limit,
... and, this is a big deal why?
possibly a little too fast for his own good,
He's allergic to fast.
but despite this he didn’t seem heed the white numbered sign to his right as he continued on the road.
As a result: *CRASH!*
His eyes were shadowed and his forehead was scrunched as he stared straight ahead at the flashing scenery.
You really shouldn't watch movies as you drive.
His hands gripped the steering wheel at six o’clock,
Even his hands are in a different time zone. Canada's Worst Driver #7.
not even inching close to the nine and three positions that he had been taught in driving school.
At least he learned the proper way of watching movies as he drove.
Driving school…
What has the world come to that people need proper education to get from point A to point B?
oh what Officer Wagner would have given up to be sixteen again!
I dunno. 50 years of experience and moralities?
He wouldn’t have needed to deal with any of the crap that was currently going on that made him lose sleep and weight.
Instead of sleeping, he did jumping jacks as a result. Yeah, that would work.
He would have given up his badge,
Throwing objects at people is addictive.
his house,
He would've given up his house to be able to live on a streets.
his money (or maybe just half of it),
He likes his 1990s quarter's luster. The 2007 one is too shiny for his tastes.
and he might even have gone as far as to think about giving up his wife had he not remembered the reason for his weary looks.
... um ... if he remembered what he looked like, he wouldn't have to give up his wife? THEN BUY A MIRROR! Or even look at your reflection in that 2007's quarter!
The thought of his wife rejuvenated some sense in him
As she would always slap him across the face.
and he applied more pressure to the pedal, cranking up his speeding to thirty over the limit.
In an attempt to get as far away from her as possible!
Most of the cars gave leeway to Officer Wagner’s shining white jeep.
No doubt Wagner wishes they'd stop giving leeway and start giving mon-ay.
They saw the siren up top and, with some intuitive sense,
Wrote a letter to City Hall complaining about the police tax-cuts being so severe that they had to use jeeps as police cars.
immediately switched over from the left to center lane.
Unfortunately, the cars on the other side of the road did too, and as a result ... population control and Darwin Awards for all!
Officer Wagner didn’t mind,
Seeing cars crash headlong into each other without reason was nothing to care about.
for it meant that he would be able to get to the station faster.
With all the cars crashed in the middle of the road, he had the whole path to himself.
Those who didn’t switch lanes fast enough would extract a curse from the cop
A plague upon their homes!
before he changed lanes himself and sped past them.
And ran right into the 30 foot inflatable teddy bear display. So much for that New Years parade.
During one of these hasty lane switches he nearly rammed his car into the front of a tractor-trailer, as he hadn’t bothered to look out his side-view mirror before jerking the wheel.
*As Wagner* DANG! Missed!
A few times he passed other cop cars,
*Wagner* Eat my wake, losers!
early birds (probably wanting to impress a higher-up)
Must be going really fast to pass birds. Unless they're walking. Or have a coconut on a line between them.
who had snuck themselves into the middle of some trees on the median.
21st century duck hunters. Ducks nowadays have Chevy Silverados.
They ignored Wagner though, taking him to be an official who was on the tail of some chaotic chase.
So JOIN him, you lazy newbies!
So as they sat there with their speed-measuring devices and caught Wagner going at 105,
In a 10 mile/hour zone ...
they simply shrugged,
He'll crash, sooner or later.
wished they were of a high enough rank so that they could go on wild pursuits of wrong-doers, and continued to spy on other less-fortunate driving citizens.
*As cop* That lady's going at 13!
*As another cop* Bring out the K-9s and spike-strips, we got a drug bust! Highway 7! Pit her! PIT HER!
Wagner’s speed didn’t let up very much,
Because the brick wall he collided with gave away ...
not even when he pulled into an exit off the highway.
THERE'S the crash! Idiot should've pulled "ONTO" the exit rather then "INTO". Woo! Victory at last!
He slowed ever so slightly to round off the road clover
I'm assuming the crash shot him out the window.
and then screeched to a halt at the light that had just turned red as he turned around the last curve.
Wow, must have some major road rash!
His fingers drummed impatiently on the steering wheel as the cars in the perpendicular intersection crossed the road,
Waiting for somebody to call 911 or at least notice there's a cop with major road rash still gripping his wheel sitting in the middle of the intersection.
and then as soon as the light turned green, his foot jammed again onto the pedal
Of a different car as it collided with him.
and his engine roared to life as he took off at ninety.
... um ... he didn't really crash, did he? Dang.
The innocent civilians driving behind him got rather annoyed at the times when Wagner’s jeep screeched again and again as he turned onto smaller roads.
*As car* I don't WANNA go to the car wash!
Those damned policemen, they thought, silently shaking their fist at the police car.
They can't sing to save their lives.
They do whatever they want, go as fast as they want, and they never get pulled over for it.
That's because nobody WANTS to pull them over.
And yet what happens when we go five or ten above?
Blindfold and a cigarette in front of a firing squad?
We get ticketed.
That too.
After a half hour ride, Wagner arrived at the station.
He works at a post office.
He pulled into the parking spot closest to the door (the spot was still open since it was the weekend and all the other lazy-*** officers hadn’t bothered to show up yet).
The handicap spot. Wagner is paralyzed from the waist down. ... and from the neck up.
He grabbed his briefcase from the shotgun,
... his coffee from his magnum, his donut box from his P-90, and his keys from his automatic grenade launcher.
Guns! - Not just for killing anymore!
readjusted his collar quickly in the mirror,
I personally would rather use my hands.
and then stepped out into the brisk fall wind.
TORNADO!
The sudden change in temperature chilled him,
It went from 40 degrees to 200 degrees in 4 seconds. Indeed, that's creepy ...
so he quickly grabbed his keys, locked the car doors, and power-walked the ramp that led into the station.
Seems it was his turn today to take the ramp out for a walk.
At the door, he looked around him warily, then punched in his six digit passkey on a digital device near the doorknob.
O ... P ... E ... N ... U ... P!
When the light on the device turned green, Wagner pulled out his ID from his right pocket, slid it through the machine, and the door automatically opened.
One down, thirteen to go.
As he stepped into the building, the door closed behind him.
Cue suspense horror music.
The station was a bit of a mess.
DA NA NAAAAAAH! Somebody has broken into the building!
On each of the desks were numerous folders and papers, most of them stacked haphazardly with papers leaning off the side.
They are all post-it reminders saying "Clean up this mess."
Filing cabinets were still half open, cups of coffee were only half drunk, and most of the work was only half done.
They must pride themselves for working in groups of two.
Chairs were everywhere -
Sitting is an addiction. Neener neener, cigarettes.
in the middle of aisles, in front of desks, on the side of cubicles - very few were actually positioned correctly behind the desk.
"Very few of them" being about 600, I'll assume.
The secretaries’ desks didn’t fare much better than their officers’ counterparts.
Why do they need so many chairs?!?
On one of them a phone lay, still not put back on the receiver from some unknown call.
... wow. It's not just police cars, these guys can't afford janitors! Maybe they should have a chair sale, since they appear to be multiplying.
Wagner went to put it back in place and wondered why that annoying sound wasn’t going off when he looked to the side and saw that the line was pulled out.
Why would anybody wonder why the phone wasn't making a sound right after seeing that it was unplugged?
With a grunt, he stooped down and put it back.
KABOOM! Just kidding. But seriously ... KABOOM!
As he straightened and cracked his back,
He felt apart and broke into a thousand pieces!
he sat down at one of the secretary’s desks where the computer was still turned on.
Must've been playing Runescape. This should be in the Runescape Related Media forums!
The auto-logout hadn’t worked, Wagner noted to himself.
His character is gonna get reported for autoing.
Despite this, he logged the secretary out and logged himself in.
Welcome to Runescape.
Ah, Zezima! Good day, my lord.
As he waited for the system to load his files,
It takes 5 minutes for the servers to load Zezima's character.
he opened his briefcase and pulled out a large manila envelope.
Manila! Vanilla for MEN!
It had once been taped shut,
But now it was bolted.
but Wagner had pried it open with his hands and the back now lay in a torn, disfigured mess.
Then he wondered why he did that and welded it closed again.
He ripped off some more of the envelope and pulled out the papers that it held.
"Congratulations! You have been entered to receive $10 000!", "Congratulations! Enter now to receive $5000!", and "You LOSE!"
One contained a picture of a woman, slightly older than Wagner, with brown curly hair and a jaunty smile.
Betty Boop.
The others were forms and applications of some sort.
He wants to be her next voice actor.
Wagner disregarded the papers behind the printed picture and instead took the picture into his hands.
"As Wagner" I shall call it ... Bobby.
On the bottom of the picture he had scribbled two letters
"UH".
- AE -
He recorded the sound the victim made to use as hard evidence.
and some smaller words underneath the two prominent figures.
A, I, ... um ... that's all I can think of.
When Wagner looked back at the computer, he saw that it had loaded.
His computer had loaded into existence. Free stuff for the win!
With two quick mouse clicks, he opened up Firefox and went to Google.
CANADA BEAM! ... no, wait ...
Taking a breathe,
"Taking a breathe"? He's taking in the ability to breathe? ... oh, I get it! The computer is a power-up, and he's a robot warrior!
he typed the two letters and the words he had written on the woman’s picture in Google’s search engine and hit enter.
"Congratulations! You have solved the puzzle! You win $2000!"
A gunshot rang out and Officer Travis Wagner fell out of the chair, dead.
*As computer* THAT'S what happens when you don't play Runescape, noob!
...
... what, that's it? I don't get to make fun of his funeral? Bah, your story's no fun!
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