Rough draft, my English 4 paper. need help

CJ Obermaier
Mr. Mason
English IV
18 September 2008
Road to Christianity

I am walking into this forest, it’s dark and cold. But I see an exit, far away, and it seems reachable. But first I must start this journey, into the forest. As I enter it I am but a child, or a seed, not yet capable to know of my choices. I take the path; it has been worn from centuries of travel. Mist is deep, and dark, cold and unknown. It is engulfing my senses, I stumble and fall. An acorn near my foot, is it a sign, or just an acorn? I pick it up, examining all sides; it has smooth and rough skin to it. Maybe it is a sign? A sign that this journey I am about to embark on will not all be soft, but will have rough patches as well. Up on my feet again I am walking, noticing details that I did not notice at the begging of this trial. Is this what growing up is like? Noticing and realizing things that you couldn’t comprehend at an earlier point in life?
As I walk out of the mist, I disturbed a little group of fairies. Strange little creatures they are, magical and full of mystery! Each one is full of question and options for us to ponder. Three little fairies approach me, each different color. The first one, deep blue, with sparkling hazel eyes touches my forehead. A wave of emotions and pictures take over my mind. It shows me, in a strangers home, I have a knife and a huge burlap bag. I am reaching into a night stand, while a woman sleeps to my left. Pearls the size of quarters is in my hands! I am wondering why I have these? How did I get here, and why do I have a knife in my hand? I feel something dripping on my foot, and as I look down, I scream in horror. Blood! Streaming down my knife. I am a burglar! As well as a burglar, I have murdered this woman, with my own hands! The most dreadful feeling rushes over me, and I fall into a patch of grass. The second fairy is now touching me. She is a light Emerald color, with glossy eyes, almost like she is blind. Now this is all different. I am in a field of green grass, near a lake. A hand suddenly touches my arm, and I see myself turn. I instantly fall in love, is this what my soul mate is suppose to be? I am still observing this. Then another rush of unbelievable emotions rushes over me, only this time it is a different emotion. Pure bliss, the happiest I have ever felt. We were kissing, me and this woman who I have never met. Then it all rushes away. The next fairy, takes me into his mind. This fairy is black and cold. His eyes are the deepest black. A black I have never though possible! A great sense of depression over takes me, my hands hang loose, and my eye lids drop. A bottle, laying across the floor, and an empty pill bottle. My mind is slipping from me, memories of my past flush threw my mind. I try to get up, but I cant. I start loosing feeling in my toes, and finger tips. Up into my arms and torso. What is this? I start gasping for air, it feels like sand is filling up my lungs. My eye lids close, I can’t open them! Death, so this is what it feels like to die? A total numbness. This feeling of nirvana enflares senses that I didn’t know existed. I had a feeling of nothingness, and a feeling of everything at the same time.
I gasp for air, mist clearing from around me. The fairies dance off into the forest, and I stand up, regaining my sense of reality. So this is my future? Up on my feet again I start to walk. I cant stop thinking about the three fairies, can I go ahead and assume that each of these visions are real? Are God and the Devil each giving me roads to take? Murder, happiness, and death? Well, I can go ahead and assume that Murder is the Devils work right? Since after all God did say Thou Shall Not Kill. And with Happiness, I will assume that is Gods path, leading me to my soul mate, if such a thing exists! But the third one, the vision of Death. Which ones is that? There is not a third Entity as far as I know. Maybe it is what the total outcome is? That either way I will die someday? So either I live my life right, by word of God, or I don’t.
I keep thinking, and walking, not observing my surroundings in the slightest. Suddenly I fall; a root sticking up out of the dirt trips me. “excuse me son, you should be more careful walking next time.” A TREE, a tree is talking to me! I scramble backwards, guarding myself with my hands, in a very defensive manner. “Have no fear boy; I have no intention of hurting you.” His, or should I say, it’s voice sound old, and ancient. Like my great great grandfather. All raspy, but wise. You could always tell if a person was wise by the way they talked. It was much distinct and it made you feel like you could trust this person no matter what! Up on my feet again, I approached the tree, only being careful and observant of everything detail. The tree was old looking, it’s human features carved into the side. It was almost comical to see moss act like a beard, and long branches of weeping willow hanging like long hair. “You seem to be rushed, and troubled sapling, sit” a root lazily broke threw the dirt and twined itself into a stole for me to sit on. “Talk to me about your troubles. I can help.” I glanced down weary, and took int eh stump. It looked safe enough so I decided to take a sear. I told him that I was wondering in this forest, not sure if I was in my mind, or if this was all real. I told him of the faries that I encountered, and what he though about them? “Well, I see each vision as a way your life will turn out. Following evil, will end up in death and destruction. Following in the good of yourself, and the world will lead you to happiness. The option is still up to your apparently. You much now choose wisely. Because the third option, which is death. It is inevitable but you can choose what happens to you after death cant you?” The tree looked down at his feet then to the heavens. “Each chose leads to the third, and each choice leads to what comes after the third.” I sat there, pondering what he had said. A few silent minutes went by. “So, in choosing God in my life, I can attempt to lead a good and prosperous life?” I looked at him, waiting for a reply. “If you so choose yes, but only if you mean it. You can’t do it and still give into all the evil temptations of evil can you?” I though about that for another moment or two. I thanked the tree, and he gave me his blessing as I started off again into the forest.
On my path into the forest I came to a light, protruding out of the trees. This was the clearest white I have ever seen. I kept walking, doves are flying everywhere, while crows are dropping dead at my feet, disengaging rapidly. Doves are not fluttering about me, rising me up into the sky, towards the light! Doves are flying around , killing every crow in sight! And then I am there, at the end on this path. I have accepted Christianity, and God has freed me of all my sins, as they are destroyed and fall to the gorund.

(Your whole first paragraph is in present tense, but in later paragraphs it changes to past tense. Keep it all one in one tense. For the sake of my corrections, I am keeping this paragraph present tense.) I am walking into this forest, and it’s dark and cold. But However, I see an exit far away that , and it seems reachable. But first I must first start this journey into the forest. (Some more explanation as to why you want to start the journey and to what goal you wish to achieve would help push the essay along more) As I enter it, I am but a child, or a seed, not yet capable to know of of knowing my choices. I take the path, ; it has been worn from centuries of travel. Mist is deep, and dark, cold, and unknown. (If you want to put description, put more than one sentence. Describe all your surroundings - the trees, the colors, what your senses feel, how you feel, etc) It is engulfing As it engulfs my senses, I stumble and fall. An acorn I spot an acorn near my foot (This part sounds a bit random - maybe explaining a bit more about the acorn would help) - is it a sign or just an acorn? I pick it up, examining all its sides; it has smooth and rough skin to it. (Again, more description) Maybe it is a sign?, a sign that this journey I am about to embark on will not all be be all soft but will have rough patches as well. (How is an acorn similar to the journey? They don't really have rough patches and they aren't too soft. Maybe you should consider using a different object as the metaphorical object) Up on my feet again I am walking I get back up on my feet and walk, noticing details that I did not notice at the begging beginning of this trial. Is this what growing up is like? [b], noticing and realizing things that you couldn’t comprehend at an earlier point in life?

(I will be continually editing in present tense.)As I walk out of the mist, I came to disturbed a little group of fairies. Strange little creatures they are They are strange little creatues, magical and full of mystery!. Each one is full has a full inventory of questions and options for us to ponder. (Explain more here: what questions and options? If you don't explain then take out that sentence because it doesn't fit in with the rest) Three little fairies approach me, each different color. The first one, a deep blue color with sparkling hazel eyes touches my forehead, letting a wave of emotions and pictures take over my mind. It shows me in a strangers home I have with a knife and a huge burlap bag. I am reaching into a night stand, while a woman sleeps to my left. Pearls the size of quarters is are in my hands! I am wondering why I have these? Why do I have these? I wonder. How did I get here, and why do I have a knife in my hand? (If you are telling your thoughts, you can put that in italics) I feel something dripping on my foot, and as I look down, I scream in horror. Blood!, streaming down my knife! I am a burglar! As well as a burglar, and I have murdered this woman with my own hands! The most dreadful feeling rushes over me, and I fall into a patch of grass. The second fairy is now touching me. She is a light emerald color with glossy eyes, almost like she is blind. Now this Suddenly, everything is all different. I am in a field of green grass, near a lake. A hand suddenly touches my arm, and I see myself turn, instantly falling in love. Is this what my soul mate is suppose to be? I am still observing this I wonder as I continue observing. Then another rush flow of unbelievable emotions rushes over me, only this time it is a different emotion feeling - pure bliss, the happiest I have ever felt. We were kissing, me and this woman this woman and I whom I have never met. Then it all rushes away. The next fairy takes me into his mind. This fairy is black and cold, his eyes are the deepest black - a black I have never though possible! A great sense of depression over takes me, and my hands hang loose as my eye lids drop. A bottle, laying across the floor, and an empty pill bottle are in this new scene I view. My mind is slipping from me, memories of my past flush threw thrown across my mind. I try to get up, but I can't. I start loosing feeling in my toes and finger tips, into my arms and torso my upper arms and torso going numb. What is this? As I start gasping for air, it feels like sand is filling up my lungs. My eye lids close; I can’t open them! Death, so this is what it feels like to die? A total numbness? This feeling of nirvana enflares senses that I didn’t know existed. I had a feeling of nothingness, and a feeling of everything at the same time.