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They Betray

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Iron Maiden
 Post subject: They Betray
PostPosted: November 6th, 2008, 7:42 pm 
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yea, I feel pretty much betrayed by my friends, strangely, I started to really enjoy writting song. Meh, here's my new one

Someone tell me why
Everytime I try
I must die
Because of you all, my mind is always bleeding
I never wanna see you leaving
All this **** that I feel, This pain
I only have you to gain

They betray
Nothing else to say
They betray
Because nothing's fair - Pay
Pay the price
Everybody got their vice

This is maybe my fate
But,All inside, I have too much hate
You are no longer my buddies
Maybe my ennemies

They betray
Nothing else to say
They betray
Because nothing's fair - Pay
Pay the price
Everybody got their vice

Where are the dreams I was looking for?
Why arent all like before?
Your promises were only ****
Even I dont wanna face it
Will I ever be getting through?
There's nothing else that I can do

They betray
All I can say
We live our life our way
If I just dont say it...

They betray
Noting else to say...
They'll betray...


/song

comments?

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PostPosted: November 6th, 2008, 7:42 pm 
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Davo
 Post subject: Re: They Betray
PostPosted: November 6th, 2008, 7:56 pm 
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Overall, I think its a great song! =D> I am a big songwriter myself, and I feel you got your message across. I like the way you kept the rhythm with the syllables. I'm a drummer so that's one of the most important things to me.

There are a couple things I'd like to suggest to you if your looking for some constructive criticism.

I like the repetitiveness in the chorus, but try adding this at the end to complete it:

They betray
Nothing else to say
They betray
Because nothing's fair Pay today
Pay the price
Everybody got their vice
Everybody all aboard the train

Its just a suggestion, you can see if you like it or not.

Also another thing is I feel you could rhyme buddies and enemies a little bit better. This isn't a must it's strictly style. I prefer to have words rhyme. That's just me though. If you're ever stuck, thesauruses are you're friend. :wink:


Once again, very nice job. Get some music to it and you have yourself a hit. Keep up the good work!


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Alex 43
 Post subject: Re: They Betray
PostPosted: November 6th, 2008, 8:49 pm 
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Not bad. Can be better, but it's still not bad.

This isn't 'my' fault, is it?

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