The Last Times of a Dying

Iron Maiden · **Posted:** May 12th, 2007, 9:46 am

Writing story is a thing that I really like. By the Way, I'm sorry if I make some misspelling

. Enjoy.

Note : If its an Already existing title, Tell me I'll change it.

Intro

October,13 2013 , This day was my worst day ever. I've got condamned for a crime that I haven't made. Every people around accused me of Gun Usage and ''Hold Up''. I made 6 months in a jail and I've got condamned to Death the April 17 2014. The guards took me to the Electric Chair then my soul have gone beyond. But my soul's still living on with God. Let me tell you What happened...

Chapter 1 - The Hold-Up

I tough today would be a normal day. Everything was nice. I arrived at bank to take my money. But when I arrived at the Bank, I saw a masked guy holding a gun. Many women and kids screamed loud. The thief claimed all the money of the bank. The bankers refuses and the Thief shooted at all the Bankers and at two woman. Then, the thief threw his gun and left. I took the gun and made the stupidest thing I ever made, I've started to shoot at the thief. The thing that I didn't knew was, I was recorded on a camera of the bank! I've dropped the gun and ran out on the streets. Then I've heard Police's sirens. The Cops was at the bank. They identified the finger prints on the gun and watched the camera, All the proofs was against me. About twenty minutes later the cops arrested me and took me to the Jail.

Chapter 2 - The Accusations

A cop interrogated me for over three hours about what happened at the bank. They showed me all the evidences : The finger prints,The camera tape and even an old man who said that he saw me shoot at someone.

-That's him I saw him shoot at an Innocent!!, said the Old man
-No! That was the real bank thief, go arrest him please, I've said to the cop,
-Shut up, You have the right to keep the silence. Said the cop
-Please believe me!

But the cop didn't listened to me. He told me that I would meet the judge in one half of an hour. During this time, I was in my assigned cell, The cell number 13. Thirty minutes after, two cops brought me to the Judge.

Chapter 3 - The Judge

The judge looked at me with a strange face, Look like I was a criminal, The thing that he didn't and no ones knew was that I was innocent.

-Please promise to say the Truth,the Truth and only the Truth, M.Khazaros
-Yes ! I promise it...
- M. Jack Khazaros, do you remember what happen to the bank few hours ago? Said the Judge.
-Yes I do...
-And you say that you are innocent and you haven't made this act.
-This is actually what happened...
-Sorry, but we have conclusive evidences that you have tried to steal from the bank, shoot at two innocent victims and then escaped from the bank. I will tell you what will happen to you in six month, during this time, you will be in jail.
-What...?! I didn't made this please believe me!!
-We will see in six months, See ya. Said the Judge.

Chapter 4 - The two first months

The cops brought me to my cell. Then one of the two cops screamed :

-Hey guys we have a new here, He shooted at two Innocent persons!!

At this moment, I knew that these six months would be the longest months of my life. In the jail I saw many guys who looked like true monsters. I was so afraid to get beaten by one of them. The first month was ok...I've only got some punches and some kicks on the...You know where...The second was a true nightmare. I've got beaten like fifty times and believe me or not, I even got raped. I realized that the guys on the jails were true *******. I could not wait anymore 'till my prison times is up.

Chapter 5 - The last month

Finally, After over 5 months, My time in my cell is almost up. Only three days left. These day was very long because it look like they would never end. On my last day, I've got beaten for the last time. But, I was amazed when a criminal started a RIOT on the jail !!!! Many guys outside the jail threw some weapons and some cocktail Molotov. About four guards and seven criminal died from the riot. Now my time in jail is up, FINALLY!

Chapter 6 - A bad surprise

I was so excited about begin released from the prison. I've got the worst surprise of my life when the Judge said:

-I'm sorry but I can't release you from here.
-WHY?!
-Because a guard told me that you have started the riot of yesterday. You've caused the death of eleven persons.
-Isn't me, It was...
-Stop it, you made enough trouble in the city and here, I condamne you to DEATH! The guards will take you on the electric chair soon!

Now I knew that my end is close...Very close...

Chapter 7 - The End is Near

I was about to cry when the Judge told me that I would die. The guards took me to the room with the chair. They sat me on it. They attached me with chains. One of the guards said:

-'Got something to say before I put the lever
-Yes,I'm innocent...
-God be with you mate...

Then,The guard pulled the lever. Then I've stopped to live...

Chapter 8 - Beyond...

I woke up in a blank place.Where I am ? I don't know... Then I saw a very tall man.

-Who are you ?
-I am God, said the man.
-I am dead ?
-Yes mate, but you are for no reason...
-What should I do now ?
-Nothing, Life down here is nothing, it's a cruel world, said the man, Living here, you will rest in peace...

The thing I've learned is, Corpse can die but soul live for ever...

I hope you've enjoyed my story

It's took me a long time to type it.

Adbot · **Posted:** May 12th, 2007, 9:46 am

Anubis · **Posted:** May 12th, 2007, 11:40 am

The storyline is very good! Although the actual text is a little hard to understand, I was able to read it and that's really the only thing I would "expect" from a story writer.

I would suggest you put a little more time into describing scenes and the characters, the whole point of writing a story is not to get an idea across, but to allow the reader to imagine the story in their mind, without pictures.

I want to see more from you, also.

Zachy · **Posted:** May 12th, 2007, 12:09 pm

One of THE most important aspects of writing is spelling.

You have a great concept, but it would be indescribably better if it were made a bit more readable; as in, go through it and revise, fixing all the spelling/grammar/punctuation errors.

It's a very good story, it just needs a bit revision. ^^

EnglishPenguin · **Posted:** May 12th, 2007, 1:09 pm

It's got a good story, line, but it nees to be revised, spelling is a bit off in some places. Good story though

...

MattVortex · **Posted:** May 12th, 2007, 1:55 pm

Game Freak is right, spelling, grammar and punctuation are important.

Being honest, I dont like it. A few points:

1. You dont need the chapters. A chapter should be pretty long. Read Game Freaks thread 'The Pineapple Under the Sea' - the chapters in that story are of a good length. Dont break a story into chapters unless those chapters full about 2 pages each in MS Word.
2. You dont describe anything that really happens. You said you were in a bank, but you didnt describe the bank, describe exactly what happened, or anything like that. A story like this, I would describe in detail the process of waking up, the journey to the bank, and everything that happened at the bank. You also didnt build up chapter 7 enough. When someone is going to die, thousands of thoughts will go through their head. Make the story reflect that.
3. Your sentences are too short. Make them longer - compound sentences are what distinguishes writing that is decidedly average from that which has the potential to get you on the Informer crew.
4. The sentencing was just... wrong. Murder and bank robbery and things like that are always trialed by jury, even if the police think it is obvious that someone did it.
5. People talking to a god after death is so incredibly chichéd. You could have made what is now chapter 7 such a brilliant ending rather than ending it on a cliché.