Capitalism Vs. Communism Vs. Socialism

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FEMINISM You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

AN ANIMAL RIGHTIST: You invade someone's pasture and drive his cows out. They wander onto the highway and people and cows die. You feel proud.

A VEGETARIAN: You have two cows. You compete with them for food.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

LIBERAL: You have two cows. You are a soulless excuse of a slave-owner. You set your cows free for the sake of their Karma and yours. While they starve, you form an awareness group to decide how to feel about it.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

TOTALITARIANISM You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk, then puts you in prison.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels and the Jews.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither! . Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

WEST VIRGINIA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You marry one and sneak out on Saturday night to have *** with the other.

KENTUCKY COPORATION: You have two cows. You tell people they are horses. New Yorkers believe you.

WISCONSIN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You market more cheese from them than anyone else and sell it to people who don't know ripe cheese from unripe. Your motto: Eat cheese or die.

MEXICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. They have been nationalized and are now inefficient. Now they are poor and they want to leave. You help them enter the United States illegally. This is all the United States fault.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

A SMALL BUSINESSMAN: You have two cows. So does your neighbor. Yours give great milk but milk is cheap. He makes great cheese and it's expensive. You borrow from a banker to buy his cheese, using your cows as collateral. Your cows get sick and you pay a veterinarian instead of the banker. The banker seizes your cows and finances them for your neighbor. The seizure is faster and the financing terms are more lenient if they golf together. If the neighbor attends a different church you will believe he made your cows sick. If he follows a different religion you will be certain he did.

A LAWYER: You have no cows. A cow owner found a pasture he wants to buy. Buying property is risky and the process arcane, requiring the service of a lawyer. You agree to represent him in exchange for two cows. The pasture has no road frontage and is land-locked. You must obtain a right-of-way. The eventual bill for your service rises to 10 cows. A faulty milking machine electrocutes your client's employee. His family sues for damages. You handle the defense in exchange for 500 cows. Your client sues the milking machine manufacturer. You make it a class action suit and settle for ten million cows for you, ten cows for each client. The judge rejects that as excessive and awards you one million cows. You know nothing about large scale dairy farming so your farm manager steals milk. You suspect it but you don't care because it's an exaggeratable tax loss.

A WALL STREET STOCK ANALYST: You have no cows but people accept you as an expert on them because your employer says you are. Your client whose cows are dying asks you to say nice things about his cows so he can sell them. You tout them in exchange for money to buy the healthiest cows you can find. Before you buy them you tell people they are dying to drive down the price.

MICROSOFT: You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours. Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world. You open milk and cheese stores using your power over dairy customers to steer them your way. Inside your crowded dairy stores are 100 unrelated stores paying you rent.