MRYS - Return of the Beast (WARNING - Wicked long)

Please note that the entire thing is mostly meant to be a joke. If you are offended by anything, why are you even reading it in the first place?

Alex 43: And now, the product of too much spare time:

It's time for- ... erm ... huh, since we don't have Manya, I shouldn't call it that anymore. Actually, come to think of it, I haven't done one of these in a long time. Perhaps I should make this our swan song, then, since we've stopped doing them without Manya.

So, therefore, I hereby proclaim this: Our Grand Finale Of Ratings.

OGFOR ... og-for ... og-fur?

Yeah, that'll do.

Time to rate this thing!

Dex: You dragged me in here for THIS?!?

Alex 43: Think of it as a challenge.

Dex: I think a "challenge" is more like figuring out which part of your body will best fit inside your head right now.

Alex 43: That's not a challenge!

Dex: ... you're right. It's too much easier when you do it a second time.

Alex 43: Look, you sit with me on this, I promise that this time will be the very last.

Dex: Not good enough. I will require sustenance.

Alex 43: *Rolls eyes* Your favorite. Every day for the week.

Dex: *Ears twitch* ... extra sauce?

Alex 43: Extra sauce.

Dex: *Ears twitch again* ... ... you absolutely sure this'll be the last time?

Alex 43: Absolutely! Any others come my way, I'll do it myself. ... or get Gia to do it with me. But not you. Promise.

Dex: Hmph. Fine, then, let's get this over with ...

THE RETURN OF THE BEAST

Dex: I think I know how this one's going to end.

A dark presence comes, in the days of peace

Dex: Wouldn't be a very exciting story if it didn't. That's the thing about history. If there wasn't any war, conflict, or anguish, there wouldn't be anything interesting to write about. Everybody would live meaningless existences without any knowledge of their past, nor the desire to learn it. That's why people fight them. As a lesson to tell other people not to do it, and to encourage them to fight more so they too can teach this same lesson to future generations. It's never gonna stop. If you wanna live, you HAVE to kill!

Alex 43: ... I feel cold ...

A power-hungry army there shall be

Alex 43: How can you eat power?

Dex: I think the question is why are the people in power hungry?

Alex 43: Maybe it's like power-napping. You nap very quickly to refresh yourself for the next few hours of the day.

Dex: Ah. So, instead of 3 square meals a day, it's 10 triangle meals or something like that. Is that it?

Alex 43: ... yeah, that didn't make sense to me either.

For thirty years living in fright

Alex 43: Can't be good for the body.

Dex: Thank whatever God there is in this story for extra-strength coffee ...

The future for humans doesn’t look very bright.

Alex 43: Doesn't look very bright in reality, either.

Dex: Oh, so you noticed?

A hero shall emerge from this place
And send the demons to the grave

Dex: Uh ... that totally doesn't rhyme.

Alex 43: You think you can do better?

Dex: Naturally:
A hero shall emerge from the depths of doubt,
To cast away the fears they could do without.

Alex 43: Oh ... you can ...

But not until a tragedy occurs

Alex 43: He finds out he forgot his sword.

Dex: Nice thing about being a majiya-master is that you CAN'T forget your weapon.

Alex 43: Unless you're hit on the head several times.

Dex: Would have to be deliberately ...

Until the life of the people are secured.

Dex: "Lives". Until the "lives" of the people are secured.

Alex 43: Unless everybody has a gemini twin in this story.





Alex 43: Yay for empty space.

Dex: It's fun to look at, isn't it?

It is a bright summer day, the sky is clear, and people are working in the field.

Dex: All right. We've got a clear sky, a field, and people. All we need now is oxygen. ... which you failed to mention, so I'm automatically assuming there is none. Now everybody's dead due to suffocation. Good start, now we have a zombie story.

We head over to a small wooden house, and we see two women with one of them holding a baby boy.

Alex 43: Their husband, as a result from lack of oxygen.

Dex: Wait, hold on. "We see two women with one of "them"." So, there are three women, then. OK, got it. Sorry, I had to think for a moment. It would be easier if you just said there were three.

Mary: What a beautiful baby you have there Daisy.

Alex 43: Mary and Daisy. Either this is in very early times in which very few names have been invented or in much later times where there are so many names that people can only remember the most basic.

Daisy: Thanks Mary he is the most beautiful boy in the world.

Alex 43: She sounds fairly monotonic.

Dex: Kids, has your mother been sounding ... well, normal lately? Almost so normal that it seems she'll never become interesting? If the answer is yes ... ... don't complain.

By the way have you seen Shane? He should have been back by now.

Dex: SUSPENSE!!!

Mary: O don’t worry about Shane, he’ll be back after running those errands of yous. That husband of yours just loves to take his time.

Dex: Hmph. Just when it was getting good ...

Alex 43: Maybe he'll walk in with a dagger in his back.

Man walks in

Dex: Let's automatically assume there's a dagger in his back because it doesn't say otherwise.

Shane: honey I'm home.

Alex 43: Hey, Shane! There's somebody in this story with the same name as you!

Dex: ... who are you calling?

I have the new baby coats that you wanted.

Dex: What the heck do you need a coat for if it's a bright summer day?!?

Alex 43: They're straightjackets.

Dex: Ah. That solves one of life's mysteries ...

Shows a red coat with a sword down the middle and white stars around the edges.


Dex: Mostly red due to the dagger in his back.

Alex 43: And a sword down the middle.

Daisy: O, thanks honey that’s a great coat. Here give it to me.

Alex 43: This right here is a Canadian scene. Newborn infant receiving his first coat.

Dex: That third lady is awfully quiet ...

Mary: It looks lovely Shane. So have you guys come up with a name for your new baby boy yet?

Dex: I hope they don't. Then we can refer it to a name of our own through the rest of this session.

Shane: Why no, we haven’t given it much thought.
Mary: Well you better.

Dex: WHAT him better?

Alex 43: Um ... maybe they're trying to drown him in a well?

Dex: That'll work.

Shane: I don’t know… how about… Brad?

Dex: I wouldn't call that "much thought" ...

Daisy: Brad… that sounds like a nice name, hello little Brad.

Alex 43: And there you have it.

Dex: Everybody in this story is blonde ...

Mary: All right time to leave you two love birds alone. Good bye
Mary Exits

Dex: Yeah, that third woman is definitely quiet. They don't even know she's in there.

Shane: O brad, you’ll have a very important role ahead of you. Here take this medallion.

Dex: Only an infant and it's already collecting valuable artifacts. That's one devoted adventurer.

Puts a medallion made of wood over brad’s head. It is made of a star of Saradomin in the center with 3 gems, an emerald on the left, a ruby on the right and a diamond right in the center pointing up.

Alex 43: Except we don't know which way the amulet itself is pointing.

Dex: It's pointing down. That way, the diamond points up, and therefore, through the back of the medallion and into Brad's head. Stays in place that way.

Shane: This way, you’ll always remember who you are.

Alex 43: *Kid checks bloody hole in his head* Yup, I'm Brad, all right.

A loud scream is heard
Enter Mary

Dex: They just realized there was a third woman in there.

Mary: Shane you better get out here!

Alex 43: Shane does. He then realizes the problem, calmly sets Mary down, and briefly explains that rather than the front door, she had walked into the closet, and the sun did not, in fact, suddenly go out and cause a world-wide blackout.

All three runs out, they see a volcano to the east gushing huge balls of lava.

Dex: Sounds like the author got bored.

Ashes spreads to the heavens, which then suddenly appears a demon clawing his way to the top and with a mighty roar the earth shakes violently.

Dex: That ... made no sense.

Alex 43: It's quite simple, Dex. The ladies made several whipped dressings out of ashes, to which they sent up to the heavens. The heavens then make a demon appear from itself, to which it claws its way to the top of the heavens despite it having no physical mass or existence. Then, upon realizing it didn't climb anything, the Earth shook violently with a load roar of disappointment.

Dex: ... have you been eating ranarr straight from the vial again?

Shane: It has come, Daisy get Brad out of here. Get him to the king, keep going west and never look back.

Alex 43: That's our Shane. He's gonna take on a volcano and the heavens all by himself!

Dex: In comes the Bane of Shane. ... who IS Shane, anyways?

toward the men from the village
To arms!

Dex: Interesting human progress. In the time frame to which Shane gives a pendant to Brad, the field has suddenly transformed into a village with warriors.

Alex 43: Is nothing sacred?

All the men from the village runs to grab their armor and weapons.

Dex: "Run". From the village "run" to grab their armor. Next time I have to do this, I won't.

Daisy: Be careful Shane!

Alex 43: He doesn't have to be careful. He's got so many rippling muscles that the volcano will simply get absorbed into them.

Dex: Who the heck is Shane?!?

Shane: I’ll be all right! Just get brad out of here!

Alex 43: The demon's coming for the baby! All men who were once children, sacrifice your pitiful lives so this kid can potentially become the messiah that evidently brings the world to ruin with his wrong and greedy future decisions!

Dex: Let's call the demon "Richard".

Daisy runs back and gathers some food and whatever money was left around the house.

Alex 43: They live in a 6-storey luxury mansion, so this takes 3 days.

She quickly ran outside and put brad into a little cart and headed west.

Alex 43: Isn't that where the volcano is?

Dex: The closer he is to danger, the farther he is from harm. Don't you know ANYTHING, Alex?

Alex 43: Apparently I don't.

For forty days and forty nights, they have been on the road under freezing temperatures and surrounded by hungry wolves.

Dex: Women drivers ...

Finally they reach the king’s castle. Daisy burst open the door to an astonished crowed and king.

Alex 43: You bet they're astonished. A lone women and baby got through all their security, defenses, and barricading.

Dex: After being on the road for 40 days with a kid in the back, a woman can do "anything" ...

Daisy: King Kulla, we need your help.

Alex 43: And she can still speak.

Dex: Case and point.



Dex: ... all right, what IS that?

Alex 43: Looks like a ... drawing.

Dex: ... ah. Oh, NOW I see. Clever ...

King: Daisy? What happened! Get the doctor now! Quick get them to the guest room.

Alex 43: That's a good king if he knows the names of all the local peasants.

Dex: Not if it's only female ones ...

Servants carry both upstairs.

Dex: No, Alex, that's a BAD king if he's got servants holding up the second and third floors ...

Alex 43: You'd think somebody knew how to build a pillar back then?

Lord: Sir, do you know this woman?

Alex 43: *As king* No, I just like to call everybody I see Daisy.

King: of course I do. She is the wife of Shane.

Dex: WHO IS SHANE?!?

Lord: The Shane?!

Alex 43: Makes him sound like a creature.

King: Aye, the same Shane.

Dex: Let me get this straight. Shane is a ... mythological beast capable of absorbing volcanos into its muscles.

Alex 43: Yeah, except replace "beast" with "man".

Dex: What? Same thing, isn't it?

Lord: Then that must be their child.

Alex 43: Uh, no, Shane's the husband.

King: that’s what I assume. How strange…

Dex: *As King* They ran for 40 days and 40 nights without eating anything and still had energy to literally "burst" into the throne room. Yes, that's strange.

Lord: My lord?

Alex 43: No, Shane's the husband.

King: they had a child before, but it died during child-bearing a year ago next week. I need to talk with her, call me when she wakes.

Dex: It died during child-bearing a year ago "next week"? What?!?

Alex 43: Um ... apparently their "years" are only 3 days long.

Dex: Oh.

Lord: Yes my lord.

Alex 43: No, Shane's the husband!

Dex: I can see where this is going ...

3 hours pass. We arrive in the gust room.

Dex: Who's "we"?

Alex 43: Obviously the guy who's telling the story.

Dex: Story-teller. Name: Bwen Ami. Likes chocolate-covered fish. Needs a facial big-time. Done.

Daisy is just waking up from her slumber. The room has a vibrant yellow from the setting sun.

Alex 43: I dunno, I find sunsets are usually red.

Dex: Not necessarily. It says "vibrant". See, if you shake your head really really fast, your eyes move along with the intercepting wavelengths and it does appear yellow.

Alex 43: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I se-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!

A servant is bringing in some food and in the far corner a nurse is feeding the baby.

Dex: RAW MEAT!

Alex 43: And beer!

King: Hello again Daisy.
Daisy: My lord.

Alex 43: No, Shane's the husband.

Dex: Yes, we get it.

King: here you must be hungry, here have some wine

Alex 43: Wine: Not something I'd eat if I was hungry.

Dex: You need to eat it right if you want it to be food. Plus he unnecessarily says "here" twice.

Alex 43: Obviously he's giving her a double-chalice.

Pours wine into a chalice

King: I’ve asked the gnomes to send a glider force toward your village. They should return in a few weeks.

Dex: Volcano VS gliders. Stretch-skin gliders. Incredibly flammable stretch-skin gliders. Incredibly flammable, fragile, vulnerable, low-riding, uncontrollable, life-threatening EXCUSES-

Alex 43: Dex, it only happened once!

Dex: BUT IT STILL HAPPENED! I COULD'VE DIED! What's your excuse there? "Oh, I would've only died once?"

Alex 43: Just ... forget it.

Dex: They're crashing. I don't care if it really happens in the story or not, but they're crashing.

Daisy: Thank you my lord, and-

Dex: THEY CRASHED!

Alex 43: *Jumps off his seat*

King: please Daisy, no need for formality here. Call me Kulla, we’ve known each other long enough haven’t we?

Alex 43: 2 minutes, 43 seconds.

Dex: Humans ...

Daisy: Kulla, have you seen Brad?

Dex: Yeah, when you get that hunch that you forgot something, that usually means you did, Daisy. So sorry.

Nurse: He is right here milady. Would you like to hold him?

Alex 43: Brad is then held. At bow-point.

Daisy nods and the nurse puts the baby in her arm.

Dex: Now, NOBODY say "oops" ...

King: So is this your and Shane’s child?
Daisy: well… yes and no.

Alex 43: It's mine. All mine. Not Shane's. MINE!

King: What do you mean?

Daisy glances toward the other 2 people.

Dex: She's been having AFFAIRS!

King: leave us.

Servant and nurse exits, the two begins to talk but it is inaudible.

Alex 43: Yeah, but not to us. We're omniscient.

Dex: And good-looking.

Three weeks have passed and we are in a court room. Inside we see daisy with her child sitting at the right of the king and in the center of the court are a group of gnomes.

Alex 43: The heck? No! We must know!!!

Dex: What are you arguing about? We're still good-looking, aren't we?

Alex 43: Yeah, but the gnomes survived.

Dex: ... they are undead.

Gnome leader:

Dex: Who is, in fact, undead and resurrected by dark and evil magics.

We tried to reach the village, but the ashes made it difficult to fly in our glider.

Dex: Common sense at last.

We traveled for about two days on foot and we saw the village on top of a mountain. We notice demons in the area.

Dex: Again, common sense would lead them to believe that if they see demons, they shouldn't be walking in that direction. But noooo ...

They were forcing the captured humans to dig in the mountain.

Alex 43: I sense a plot device.

Dex: Or very lazy demons.

In the center, we could see an army of lesser gathering up.

Alex 43: And nobody has a multicannon?

Dex: That's the annoying thing about fictional stories, Alex. Cannons do NOT solve all the world's problems in one go.

Alex 43: Yeah, I know. ... wish they could, though ...

They seem to be assembling to assault the other villages in the area.

Dex: And it used to be such a nice field in the beginning ...

King: Do you know what they are digging for?

Alex 43: One of them lost a contact lens.

Gnome: we’re not sure, it must be an important find because they are working the villagers to death.

Dex: Not very tactical for production and efficiency, unless they're going to raise skeleton miners or something.

Daisy: Sir, if I may, did you manage to see my husband Shane?

Dex: *As king* Is he nine feet tall, has brown fur, wears gloss-grease all over muscles that transcend 3-foot thick metal cables that prevent his rippling abs from consuming the immediate space around them into a parallel dimension, and liked to fart a lot?

Alex 43: *As Daisy* Uh, yes?

Dex: *As king* Hold your breath and turn around.

Gnome: no milady. We have to assume that he is dead.

Alex 43: Seeing as the gnome is undead at the moment, that's a good assumption.

Dex: Except Shane doesn't die. He "exchanges".

Alex 43: ... ... ... ... WHAAAAT?!?!?

Daisy storms out of the room crying and heads toward the backyard

Dex: Does she ever go anywhere without using aggressive force?

Alex 43: You know, I do wonder what happened to that third woman.

King: thank you sir, please follow this gentleman and you shall receive your pay.

Alex 43: So said with a moment of intentional hesitation and dark backdrop.

Dex: Sort of unnerving how nobody ever says "you shall receive your 'money'". It's always "pay" or "reward", as though there's room for interpretation. Intentionally.

Gnome: Thank you sir.

Alex 43: Farewell, fair undead evil dark gnome.

Gnomes leave and the king heads to find Daisy. The king embraces Daisy.

Alex 43: *As king* Stand still so I can find you easier.

Dex: I'm assuming she never made it to the garden, then?

Daisy: Brad still has an important job a head of him.

Alex 43: Subliminal message there. He's about to become the head of some big organization.

Dex: Or his job involves decapitation.

King: I know, we’ll train him well.

Alex 43: You're supposed to RAISE a child, not "train" it.

Dex: Humans ...

A man approaches

Dex: They really need to beef up their security ...

Stranger: my lord gives a salute

Alex 43: No, Shane's the husband.

Dex: Really, Alex?

King: Meet Mike, he’s one of my most powerful warriors. Mike, this is daisy and her little boy Brad.

Alex 43: Give him a bicycle pump and that's all about to change ...

Mike: charmed

Dex: Hah, the baby threw the amulet at Mike. CHARMED!

King: mike you are to train this boy into a warrior. Use whatever resources you need.

Dex: *As Mike* Sire, did I do something to upset you?

Mike: Yes my Liege.
King: You shall begin when he’s turns six months old, dismissed.

Alex 43: And so they just stand there for 6 months.

Dex: 6 months of raw meat and beer later ...

Mike gives a salute and leaves.

King: have hope Daisy, have hope.

Alex 43: He's giving her double-hope.

Dex: What a spoiled brat ...

We move to a new area. The place is dark with only three torches for light.

Alex 43: Curse you, Mitchellson Torches™!

Dex: I like my new areas dark.

The area is filled with human bones and there are spider webs in the corners. We see Shane weak with his shirt ripped and is starting to grow a beard.

Dex: Since he's got hair covering every other square inch of his body, it goes unnoticed.

His hands and legs are shackled and he is hanging on the wall. A man enters the room.

Alex 43: It appears this area doesn't have a roof.

Dex: Well, duh. That's how big Shane is.

Lucien: well well well, if it isn’t that mighty Shane.

Alex 43: Now that he knows who the enemy is, he stops pretending he's captured and rips the chains apart with his fingernails.

Dex: *As Shane (?)* Huu huu! I jus did dat tuh make yuh expose yuhself! BANE OF SHANE!

*Dex proceeds to make everything around himself explode.*

Alex 43: Usually he does everything instantaneously.

Dex: Oh, well, you know how terrible of an actor I am ... *Continues*

Alex 43: ... I'll leave you to it, then.

Shane: Lucien, I knew I smelled an old fool.

Alex 43: What do old fools smell like?

Dex: Very very cheap perfume.

Lucien: O, come now, I am not even 1000 years old yet. Now then, where is that boy?

Dex: *As Shane* Right ... behind you ...

Alex 43: *As Lucien* Aw, here we go again ...

Shane: Hahaha what makes you think I will tell you?

Alex 43: *As Lucien* Tell me where he is, or I'll kidnap him and force you to tell me where he is by threatening to torture him!

Dex: That works ...

Lucien: O no Shane, I expect to beat it out of you!

Dex: He's got high expectations ...

Shane: Go back to hell!

Alex 43: So does he.

Lucien: O I’ve been there, too warm for my taste.

Alex 43: Dex, you've been somewhere like that. What's it really like.

Dex: Very very dark. Leave it at that.

Does hand motion, enters a greater demon with a sack

Alex 43: Mmm. Lunch.

Lucien: you can thank your god Saradomin for this.

Alex 43: Lunch on Saradomin!

Dex: I hate how he's always eating tofu ...

He may have granted you the ability to reincarnate, but with a little spell you’ll always come back to life here. Little greater… have fun.

Dex: Um ... Saradomin has granted Shane the ability to reincarnate, but with a little spell, he'll always reincarnate.

Alex 43: I think that's how Zamorakians do things.

The greater unwrapped his sack, inside were an abyssal whip, a granite maul, poisonous dagger, and a spear.

Alex 43: They're gonna equip Shane? Now this story's getting me interested.

Dex: Z z z z ...

Lucien leaves, as the door closed we hear a muffle screams.

Dex: That poor demon ... yes, I'm showing symphony ...



Alex 43: The demon split him into 5 pieces!

Dex: I wonder how the spear aided in this endeavor ...

Ten years have passed. We return to the dungeon with Shane.

Dex: I'm guessing nothing has changed?

His former bodies litter the floor.

Alex 43: Ten years, you'd think he's have the patience to get level 99 prayer on his own bodies?

He is bleeding and is so skinny that we can see his ribs.

Alex 43: Peeping toms ...

Suddenly, Lucien enters the room and punches Shane across the face.

Dex: *As Shane* Now why am I not allowed to do that?

Lucien: You infidel! So Saradomin has been answering your prayers. He is protecting you from us.

Alex 43: Blame the tofu.

Shane: weakly. Did you really think he would let me feel such pain?

Dex: *As Lucien* Ok ... how many times will I have to tell you ... it's not weakly, it's LUCIEN! LUCIEN!

Alex 43: Lucien's got the same letters as "Nice Lu".

Dex: I dare you to tell him that next time you kill him.

Lucien: You may feel a lot less pain, but you’ll still suffer. Now tell me where that boy is.

Alex 43: *As Shane* Right ... behind-

Dex: Don't even.

Shane: when Zamorak rules the earth.

Alex 43: In other words, never.

Dex: I think the real question is "for how long".

Lucien: chuckles. All in due time. Enter 2 lessers with a group of children

Alex 43: *As Shane* NO! NOT THE BRADY BUNCH!

Dex: Oh, is that what he sounds like?

Alex 43: Uh, no! Not even close!

Since I cannot hurt you personally, I’ll kill them.

Alex 43: Shane sighs with relief.

Dex: If you really want to torture Shane, just leave the children in there with him for a couple of weeks.

I’ll kill one person everyday at noon. Let’s see how you feel to have their death on your conscious.

Dex: I dunno, Shane's not the one killing them. If anything, I think Lucien's going to go insane first.

Alex 43: Actually, Lucien can raise the undead. ... that, and Saradomin will make them respawn, so it really doesn't matter.

Dex: Why can't anybody in this blasted world DIE?!?

Shane: Do not worry children, Saradomin shall take the pain away.

Alex 43: *As child* This is a bum-bum field trip!

Dex: *As Lucien* Ssh! Don't make me give you detention ...

An angered Lucien leaves with the children and the lesser while two greaters enter the room with war-hammers.

Dex: Why's it always "lesser" and "greater"? What about the Kh'zhril? The Ehc'havon? The Jhot'yalm?

Alex 43: How do you know all these former tribes?

Dex: That's the word. "Former".

Black demon: My lord.

Alex 43: No, Shane's the husband.

Dex: Are you trying to degrade him or something?

Alex 43: There needs to be a balance, I'm afraid. Saradomin's will.

Dex: Zaros admin, eat your heart out ...

Lucien: What is it?
Black demon: He has called. He demands to talk to you now.

Alex 43: Tell that salesman that if he doesn't leave in 3 seconds, HE will need some of his OWN insurance!

Lucien: very well. O and kill… that bald kid there. Make stew out of him or something.

Dex: Hm. At least he's feeding somebody.

Lesser: Aye sir. Dinner time boys
Child: Noo!

Dex: What are you crying about? You are going to respawn and then eat your own body in a stew! Not everybody in the world gets to do that!

The lesser snaps the boy’s arms and legs and is carried to the kitchen.
Lucien leaves.

Dex: Wait, what? The lesser snaps off the kid's arms and legs, and then the kid carries it to the kitchen?

Alex 43: Dex. My friend. You seriously underestimate the power of human children. They make up 70% of Runescape's heroes.

Dex: I guess that explains the overabundance of cheesy stories.

We see a very bright room lit with candles and a fireplace. Right in the middle is a strange table shaped in a circle with a cross in the middle.

Alex 43: What? A Saradomin altar?!?

Dex: Sorry, Alex, but your lord is not as holy as you think.

Lucien enters

Alex 43: Maybe he's suicidal?

Dex: Maybe you're about to be.

He kneels in front of the table and an eye of fire is appears in the center.

Alex 43: ... see, if I actually HAD a throat.

Dex: *Rolls eyes* Put that machete down. It's just a story.

Lucien: What is your bidding my master?

Dex: *As ... eyeball?* Tea at ten. Quarter-cup milk this time, dear chap, chop chop.

Alex 43: HOW do you DO that accent?

Dex: Speak in nothing but it for about 2 hours non-stop while playing with yourself.

Alex 43: ... you scare me.

Eye: Have you found my body?
Lucien: No my lord.
Eye: Or that boy?
Lucien: No my lord.

Alex 43: Or my wallet?

Dex: No my lord.

Alex 43: Or the tape?

Dex: No my lord.

Alex 43: Or the $&^#ing fire extinguisher?!?

Dex: Uhhh ... no my lord?

Eye: we are running out of time. Find them both or I’ll find someone who can.

Dex: That's guaranteed a false bluff. If he could find someone who can do it, he'd be the one hired in the first place!

Alex 43: Unless Lucien's an old-timer.

Dex: Nope. If that was the case, the eyeball would know of Lucien's inability to find the tape and hire somebody else regardless.

Alex 43: ... maybe he's broke?

Dex: A broke eyeball?

Alex 43: Well ... yeah?

Dex: ... ... Lucien calls the eyeball a "lord". You don't need money to hire a lunatic.

Lucien: Yes my master.
Eye: Do not disappoint me. The eye disappears

Alex 43: For some reason, I feel like calling that eyeball "Sauron".

Dex: Hmm ... maybe you've just been reading ahead ...

We now see an older Brad in steel armor fighting Mike is in adamantite armor.

Dex: Strength noob.

They are locked in combat but suddenly Mike kicks brad and sends him flying. We see a stun Brad on the ground with a sword at his neck.

Alex 43: "Stun Brad". The Harmless-but-Annoying Pokemon. Likes cheesecake.

Dex: *Very very slowly turns away*

Mike: Whew what a fight. You’re doing well Brad.

Dex: He got stunned and a sword was held at his neck. In a real-life situation, he'd be dead. Unless they're a cult of emos, that's not what I'd call "doing well".

Brad: Not well enough.

Alex 43: Yeah. Suicide is a delicate art, Dex.

Dex: Especially when you keep reincarnating every time you try it ...

Mike: here take a ten minute break. After that you’re going to Pika for range training.

Alex 43: Totally called the Pokemon reference.

Dex: "Pokemon"?

Alex 43: I dunno. Er, something I dreamt, I think. Just these strange images with names and stuff. Don't think they mean anything. Again, just a dream. Nothing else.

Dex: Really? Huh. I always thought it was just a type of Japanese Anime and a branch of popular Nintendo and trading card games.

Alex 43: Yeah, yeah, whatever ...

We see Brad trying to shoot an arrow from a shortbow, while Pika with his long bow shows the technique.

Dex: What is with these guys and their unfair advantages?

Alex 43: They want Brad to grow up hopeless enough so he doesn't betray them in the future out of lust.

Dex: Well, if that was the case, he'd betray them out of envy.

Later on we see Brad with the wizard, casting air strike at chickens. The wizard leaves Brad to tend to some business.

Alex 43: Ten years of magic and he can't cast anything better?

Dex: Buddy, ten years of majiya training and you can't do ANYTHING.

As Brad is training, we can see a dark figure in the field.

Alex 43: The cameraman.

Dex: The stunt double.

Closer and closer we get to Brad from behind. Suddenly it lunges at Brad.

Alex 43: Cue super-intense close-up!

Dex: Da naaaaaaaah!

Stranger: BOO!

Alex 43: And that, my friend, is how you get yourself beheaded in an instant.

Dex: Never ever surprise a warrior trained from birth like that.

Brad: AHHHHH!!! What the, but who are you?!

Dex: Correction: who "were" you?

Brad: You’re not a woman, you’re a girl.

Alex 43: That was unnecessary. She had the guts to surprise a warrior!

Dex: Alex, he beheaded her, remember?

Alex 43: Oh yeah. Never mind.

Stranger: well then, I’m Crysala. So what’s your name?

Alex 43: *As Brad* I am the fabulous, magnificent, extraordinary abomination of absolute incredible awesemity of superior immortality!

Dex: *As Crysala* I just scared you from behind with the oldest trick in the book ...

Alex 43: *As Brad* And I CHOPPED YOUR HEAD OFF!

Dex: *As Crysala* Can I borrow a Band-Aid?

Brad: I am Brad.

Dex: He's got no imagination.

Crysala: nice to meet you Brad. O what’s this around your neck?

Alex 43: *As Brad* Don't you know a noose when you see one?

Dex: Who's he trying to impress?

Brad: Don’t touch that!

Alex 43: *As Brad* It's keeping my head on!

Crysala: Ooo you treasure that necklace don’t you? Well if you really like it so much *snaches medallion* you better catch me!

Dex: Good lord, he stinks! He just got ripped by a decapitated girl!

Alex 43: This story is fun.

Brad: HEY!!

Dex: *As Brad* I ordered a lemonade, not an iced tea!

They run through the field. After a long chase Brad launches an air strike but accidentally makes a hole in Crysala’s favorite dress.

Alex 43: You can't grow attached to your clothes when you're a thief, you know.

Dex: Actually, I think it's supposed to be just the opposite.

Crysala: My dress! Why you little *picks up stick* I’m going to kill you!

Dex: A headless girl is going to kill a fully-armored knight with a sword, bow, and staff with a wooden stick?

Brad: Uh-oh. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Dex: *FACEPALM!!!*

Alex 43: Let's see THAT again in slow motion, everyone!

Dex: *FAAAAAAAAAACEPAAAAAAAAAALM!!!*

Brad runs for his life

Dex: NO! Brad is NOT doing well if a headless chick with a twig is a death-treat!

but suddenly both of them are ensared.

Dex: What's "ensared"?

Alex 43: It's an acronym. "Evil Neighbor's Soup And Rice Envelopment".

Dex: Ooh, now THAT would be an effective spell ...

Wizard: Brad…

Alex 43: *As wizard* We can see the cable ...

Dex: *As wizard* ... you suck.

Brad: hello sir.
Wizard: Stop playing around, you have more training to do. Little lady give it back.

Alex 43: Ok, the decapitation joke's getting a little old, buddy.

Crysala: Nice meeting you Brad.

Dex: I'm assuming Crysala's a good guy, then?

Crysala gives Brad a peck on the cheek and leaves.

Alex 43: She never gave it back ...

We move to where Brad is back home seeing his mother setting the table.

Alex 43: Cherish this moment, young one. Watching your mother setting the table will become one of your most fond memories when she's gone.

Dex: ... Alex ...

Alex 43: Yeah?

Dex: Not to ruin the moment, but ... THESE GUYS REINCARNATE!

Daisy: Hello sweetie. How was your day?

Dex: He did horribly at committing suicide, he decapitated a girl, he had his pendant stolen from her, and by picking up a twig she nearly killed him.

Brad: tiring.

Dex: Go figure. Just another day.

I’m starving mom, what’s for dinner?
Brad: Mmm, yum.

Alex 43: He's psychic!

Dex: Mortals have what we call a sense of "smell", you know ...

Alex 43: ... he's psychic.

Dex: Yeah, leave it at that.

They sit to eat

Dex: As opposed to standing on one hand with a 90 degree hip-turn propelled by one leg doing half-circles around the hip to eat.

Alex 43: ... that's actually not a bad idea ...

Dex: I'll shut up now ...

Daisy: So, tell me about this girl you met in the field.

Brad looks shocked

Alex 43: She's psychic!

Dex: ... actually, I don't think I should respond to this one.

Daisy: This is a small kingdom, news gets around.

Alex 43: *As Brad* This is a big deal. It shouldn't!

Brad: her name’s Crysala. She’s very nice.

Dex: I wouldn't call a woman who steals your family heirlooms "nice" ...

Daisy: is she cute?

Dex: No, she's Crysala.

Brad: Mom!

Alex 43: There's a spider in your hair!

Daisy: come on…

Alex 43: Apply directly to the forehead.

Brad: yeah she is.
Daisy: Use that accent of yours Brad. You’ll get her.

Alex 43: How does one get people with an accent?

Dex: *As Pac-Man* Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka.

Brad: Mom, can I ask you something?
Daisy: of course.

Dex: *As Brad* Where did all your hair go?

Brad: Mom, everybody knows about my father but me. Can you tell me about him?

Daisy puts her fork down.

Alex 43: BOOOOOOOM!

Daisy: Wow. Um well this is going to take a while.

Alex 43: And an excellent time for a Four-Word Frenzy!

Dex: Wasn't it called- ... no, you're right. You first.

Your father was a

Alex 43: French poodle.

great man. Your father

Dex: Needs a name.

was part of a

Alex 43: Gang of french poodles.

group called the immortals.

Dex: And they sucked at it.

All of your trainers

Alex 43: Need deodorant.

were part of that

Dex: Big mural you made out of dismembered human parts.

group. But there was

Alex 43: This one incident with a 8-tonne rock that ... "disbanded" them.

one more, a man

Dex: Shaped horse.

named Jeff. Ah yes,

Alex 43: He was actually a beer glass.

your father’s group. Mike,

Dex: The town idiot,

Jeff and your father

Alex 43: Really REALLY didn't get along well.

fought hand to hand,

Dex: Because back then, nobody had swords.

Pika was a great

Alex 43: Example for really bad names.

archer, and he could

Dex: Eat a red pepper without making a face.

bit a bulls-eye with

Alex 43: His foot.

one arrow and then

Dex: Never ever do it again due to beginner's luck.

split that one in

Alex 43: Eight thousand, nine hundred million, seventy thousand, four hundred, and:

2. But if things

Dex: Wouldn't stop getting in his way, he could actually hit something!

really got tense, he

Alex 43: Ran away screaming like a poorly risen child.

would grab his rune

Dex: Realize he can't cast spells with a single rune, and get owned.

throwing axes and chop

Alex 43: Up a brilliantly cooked and marinated beef dish and serve it one at a time in nice, thin slices.

his entire enemy’s heads.

Dex: Provided they had more then one, of course.

The wizard, he was

Alex 43: Really really short.

very good, drank a

Dex: Jugga-Wine-a-Day.

lot too. He could

Alex 43: Down a 5-gallon barrel in one sitting!

ensnare to men in

Dex: Black.

under a minute and

Alex 43: Parlay in three.

blast them all to

Dex: Automatic meat and bone drops.

dust. About 10 years

Alex 43: Is the time it takes for that noob to cast a single wind strike.

before you were born,

Dex: You were dead.

King Kulla was in

Alex 43: A 3x3 contortionist's box.

trouble. A massive troll

Dex: Indeed, he was.

army with goblins was

Alex 43: Pondering the proper pronunciation pasted precariously and pitifully upon the papyrus.

attacking his kingdom. He

Dex: Could've had a V8.

asked your father to

Alex 43: Lend him 5 coins.

help lead his men

Dex: Down the yellow-brick road.

in battle. They massed

Alex 43: Too tightly and accidently crushed themselves.

toward this city. The

Dex: Army then realized they went the wrong way.

wizard, and his mages

Alex 43: Ditched the army to go eat garlic toast.

ensnared many trolls in

Dex: Some very annoying fishing line.

the distance, pika’s troops

Alex 43: Questioned and frowned at his name.

fired volley and volley

Dex: Because they ran out of arrows.

of arrows while Mike

Alex 43: Stood in the way.

fired his catapults. They

Dex: Had catapults?!?

managed to break through

Alex 43: The crowded line-up to the brand new Mega-Staff 2000!

the door, but Jeff’s

Dex: Teeth needed brushing.

halberd-men held them off

Alex 43: Long enough for him to pick his nose.

but there was just

Dex: No way this story was ever going to make any sense.

too many. Mike and

Alex 43: Mike,

Shane joined the battle

Dex: 3 hours after it was over.

and were holding a

Alex 43: Rubber chicken between the two of them for some odd reason.

strong line. Your father

Dex: Still needs a name.

saw 3 goblins heading

Alex 43: Which, when seeing 3 goblins actually throwing decapitated heads at other people, was a mite unnerving.

toward a little boy,

Dex: Who turned out to be Chuck Norris.

and he ran to

Alex 43: Get the heck AWAY from him!

save him. He saved

Dex: The cake.

him all right, but

Alex 43: It was a vanilla plain sponge cake.

at a price. When

Dex: Cakes are vanilla plain, there is much sorrow and depression.

he turned back Jeff

Alex 43: It made Jeff face the other way.

laid on the floor,

Dex: Counting the number of stars in the sky.

he was surrounded by

Alex 43: Fanboys.

trolls, Pika threw his

Dex: Shoe.

rune ax but it

Alex 43: Was actually steel. Scammers ...

was too late and

Dex: He got a detention.

Jeff was crushed. Your

Alex 43: Ears need cleaning ...

father was enraged and

Dex: Still needs a name.

with his men charged

Alex 43: With 10 thousand volts of electricity,

through the door at

Dex: Tim Hortons.

the surprised troll army.

Alex 43: Unfortunately, none of them could tell themselves apart now.

King Kulla won the

Dex: Chocolate cake!

battle and wished that

Alex 43: It was coconut.

they would train his

Dex: Chefs to make coconut cake.

men. But you see,

Alex 43: Chocolate cake is much better then coconut.

Dex: Ok, no more cake now ...

your father was devastated

Alex 43: By a really big flaming ball of fire.

after losing Jeff he

Dex: Found a new one.

had enough of war.

Alex 43: So he settled for cheap unfair duels.

He left to the

Dex: Big party at the Jolly Boar.

village and never fought

Alex 43: Anyone bigger then him.

again.

Dex: A 5-letter word depicting the duplicate of an event or circumstance.

Alex 43: And that's the end of the Four-Word Mayhem!

Dex: Why do I always end these?

Brad: wow mom.

Alex 43: You just got your story extended!

So one more question. What attracted you to him?

Dex: Has to be the hair. It TOTALLY has to be the hair ...

Daisy: *chuckle* Well sweetie. I’ve always fancy a man in shining armor.

Alex 43: Which really makes no sense, because amidst our 4-Word, it did say he never fought in a war again. Therefore he had no reason to wear it.

Dex: Alex, you have no concept of the art of male human mating rituals. He'll wear the armor just to get the girl, and nothing else. It's human nature.

Alex 43: Human nature needs more modesty ...

We move to a new scene where we see 2 men in mithril armor in a fight.

Dex: More strength noobs ...

We pan behind a tree and suddenly the 2 men are now fighting in rune armor.

Alex 43: *As David Blaine* Ta da ...

Dex: *As Chrids Angel* NOOOOW!

Alex 43: *Stares*

One is thrown down and have a sword at their throat.

Dex: ... what?

Alex 43: He was thrown down so hard he split into multiple people.

The man lying down opens his visor

Dex: You found Waldo!

Mike: Ow. Nice Brad, you’re done well.

Alex 43: Back to suicide-practice, it seems.

Brad: I learned from the best.

Dex: ... yeah, no comment.

Mike: well it’s time for you to do something with what you’ve learn.

Alex 43: I don't suppose proper grammar is one of them?

Come with me. Ow ow, ow but first, let me take a break. My back is killing me right now.

Dex: Literally. It's mashing him with a battleaxe.

They head off to the west and traveled for 2 days and they reach a lake.

Alex 43: *As Mike* Tell me Brad ... is this lake blue or green?

Dex: *As Brad* Hmm ... it looks green to me.

Alex 43: *As Mike* Yeah, that's what I thought. Ok, back we go.

There Mike is seen digging in the earth and uncovers a small chest.

Alex 43: Wouldn't be as disturbing if the legs and arms were still attached.

Mike: Here open it.

Dex: BOING! Gotcha!

Brad opens the chest and there is a sword made of dragon.

Dex: What is WITH them and dismembered body parts?!?

Brad: wait, something is written here.

Alex 43: *As Brad* Made ... in ... China ...

Dex: We're got ourselves a poem.

If power you seek

Alex 43: Go somewhere else.

Then here I’ll be

Dex: Sitting here ... all alone ... with nobody to talk to ... or to listen to ...

From your heart I draw power

Alex 43: Until I run out of colored pencil.

From your heart I’ll fight for thee

Dex: I'd prefer wielding a sword with my HAND, thank you.

Fight with all your will

Alex 43: It's not enough, but do it anyways.

And I’ll send your demons back to hell.

Dex: What if that's where you're fighting them?

Mike: Legend has it that Saradomin made that sword for your father. I’m sure your father would have wanted you to have it.

Dex: KER-BOOOOOOM! Nope, he didn't ...

Brad: Thank you sir.
Mike: now let’s go home.

Alex 43: This is why castles have "servants" ...

Dex: Wow, you actually displayed a show of common sense completely unprovoked! Amazing!

Alex 43: I learn from the best.

We switch to another scene. There Lucien is once again talking to the eye.

Alex 43: He needs some friends. Seriously.

Eye: have you found it yet?

Dex: No, sir, your second eyeball still eludes my grasp.

Lucien: no sir. Your body and that boy are still unknown.

Alex 43: Look at that, Dex. You were close.

Dex: Not close enough ...

Eye: We cannot waste anymore time. Prepare the army and begin the invasion.

Dex: "Anymore time?"

Alex 43: Yeah. The time needed to stop doing something.

Dex: ... ... what?

Lucien: yes, my master.
Eye: Begin with Kulla’s capital. Leave nothing alive.

Dex: In order words, he wants Lucien's army to march in, kill everybody, and then commit suicide.

Alex 43: Life must bore him.





Alex 43: Another blank space.

Dex: Finally! Room to think!

We see a man in green dragon armor running for his life.

Alex 43: From a naked green dragon, of course.

He is holding his bleeding shoulder and enters King Kulla’s court room.

Alex 43: Dismembered, I'm assuming.

Dex: It would be more unnerving if he was holding BOTH.

Ranger: They are here! *Collapses a guard tends to him*

Dex: "Collapses a guard tends to him" ...

Alex 43: He knocks out one of the king's own guards, whom then unconsciously starts tending to him.

Dex: Maybe I should just start accepting that whoever wrote this needs a grammar lesson ...

they broke through the outer defenses. They are coming.
King: How many were there?

Alex 43: Not enough, considering the scout's only got a bleeding shoulder.

Ranger: I saw… I saw… *dies*

Dex: Somebody's not getting a raise ...

Alex 43: He must've seen Bigfoot, Loch Ness, the Abominable snowman, and Jemmy the extra-terrestrial playing poker together.

Dex: ... Jemmy?

Alex 43: Yeah. Nice guy. Makes good fried potato dishes. I should introduce you to him.

Dex: No thanks. I think I've met enough aliens in my lifetime.

King: Sound the alarm! Assembly the army!

Dex: Assembly the- actually, don't bother ...

A loud bell rings. All the men put on their armor while the women and children runs to safety

Alex 43: Calm down, ladies! It's just a bell!

We enter the court yard

Alex 43: Woah, that is one fast army ...

King: send the children and whoever cannot fight to the tunnels and take them to the mountain.

Alex 43: *As formal critic* Now that right there is downright agism. I do think that children all have the right and the ability to fight for their kingdom if they decide to. Completely unacceptable behaviour! I'm filing a lawsuit for this sentence!

*a rider enters*

Dex: *As rider* Somebody call for a lawsuit?

Rider: Sir, your scouts have returned. The army will be here by tomorrow morning.

Dex: *As rider* They're all getting their nails done and are eating out at a chinese buffet. Otherwise they'd be here by now.

King: How many are there?
Rider: at least 180,000 at least, but that’s not all there is another army of 20,000 skeletons heading to join the demon army.

Dex: That guy is one fast counter ...

King: Mike, Pika, I’m opened to any suggestions.

Alex 43: *As Mike* ... join them?

Dex: *The king changes his mind.*

Mike: I say we get Brad out of here. This is a battle we cannot win.

Alex 43: Getting your strongest emo out of there, it's no wonder you won't win anything.

Dex: Unless they're up against Zamorak's legal agent, they can win anything.

Pika: Agreed. They have been looking for him, leaving him here will ensure that they get their prize.

Dex: And why not? Who's to say they're the good guys and Lucien's the bad guy? Maybe Zamorak's going to save the world and universe from certain annihilation by controlling it? And for how long?

King: but he also might be the key to victory, and I need every available man to fight. Mike, let him fight but at the first sign of trouble get him out of here anyway you can.

Alex 43: *As Mike* That catapult is looking awfully tempting ...

Mike: aye sir.

Alex 43: As opposed to "jay, sir."

Dex: As opposed to "nose, sir".

*we move to brad’s home. He is sharpening his sword while Daisy is packing.*

Dex: Tell me, Alex, why is it that the bigger and stronger male humans make their females do all the physical work?

Alex 43: Easy, Dex. Their size and strength is really just for show. In reality, the women are all super-humans with extreme strength and ability. The reason they're not allowed to fight in was is because they'd make the men look bad. They do all the physical labor to keep themselves in perfect shape and ability.

Dex: Huh. I totally wouldn't have thought it.

Daisy: Be careful sweetie.

Alex 43: "Sweetie"? Heh. Have you ever been called that, Dex?

Dex: Yeah. Once. After they sewed her appendix back in, nobody did it anymore.

Alex 43: ... ...

Dex: ... you're twitching, Alex. Everything all right?

Brad: Don’t worry mother. I’ll be okay.

Dex: Of course. That's the one line any mother would want to hear their son say as he's about to leave for war.

*Crysala enters*

Alex 43: After crashing into the doorframe. It's very hard to see without a head.

Dex: Or talk.

Crysala: brad, Mike wants you outside right now. Don’t worry about your mother, I’ll take care of her.

Alex 43: Heh ... I don't know about you, but imagining Crysala as a headless zombie throughout the entire story is gonna make it a lot more interesting.

Dex: ... not really.

Brad heads to the courtyard and meets up with Mike. He can see the nervous men trying to get things prepared and the panicking children as they run for the tunnels.

Dex: The inspector's coming before the army.

Alex 43: No wonder they're nervous.

Mike: Brad, this is a big battle. Are you ready for it?

Alex 43: Translation: Brad, you're about to be pulled away from your life of peaceful luxury and comfort and thrust into a dramatically bloody and gory battle-zone which will involve incredible emotional, mental, and physical pain in which you will suffer eternally because you most likely will die during it all. ARE YOU READY?!?

Dex: Eternal suffering ... good fun ...

Brad: O I don’t plan on losing.

Dex: Who's "O"?

Hey nice armor what is that?

Alex 43: It's PAPER!

Dex: It's FLUBBER!

Mike: these o they are barrows armor, very strong, very powerful.

Dex: If you can get around the curse that'll possess and corrupt your soul in a few weeks upon wearing it, then it's a good armor for you.

All three of us found it a while back. In fact I believe your father found an entire set right before he left. Never knew where he put it.

Alex 43: On himself.

Dex: Or his bank, but who's to know where those things go when you give them to him.

Brad: Too bad… I could really use some right now.

Dex: How does HE know that?

Mike: Brad just to let you know, if things get too crazy I have been ordered to get you out of here by any force necessary.

Alex 43: Even if the force is great enough to win the war and universe?

*wizard approaches*

Alex 43: Roll the dice to see what he says.

Dex: *Rolls an 'H'*

Alex 43: *As wizard* Err ... wrong room ...

Wizard: Mike, the catapults are ready, and the defenses are in…in..

Dex: In some other town.

Mike: In place?

Alex 43: *As wizard* In PIECES!!!

Wizard: Ah yes, in place.

Alex 43: SUSSSSPICIOOONNNN!

Mike: Good work. O and might want to be sober for tomorrow.

Dex: Seriously. Who is "O"?

*All night long, spears are places facing away from the walls.

Alex 43: *As Caesar* Now why didn't I think of that?

Traps were set, and people were resting up for the battle ahead. At dawn everybody was formed up and ready for combat. King Kulla is seen in a tower looking down at his warriors.

Alex 43: I sense a speech ...

Dex: I sense a sitcom.

Alex 43: Four-word frenzy?

Dex: You first.

King: My men, for 30

Alex 43: Long minutes, you're going to have to listen to this lecture.

long years you have

Dex: Played with your food.

waited. For 30 years

Alex 43: We've forgotten to record the date-line.

you have been preparing.

Dex: But now, the cherry pie is complete, and you may now enjoy the fruits of your labor!!!

We have face these

Alex 43: Guys have face, those guys have face, but THOSE guys DON'T have face!

monsters before! Do not

Dex: Chew with your mouth open.

let their numbers intimidate

Alex 43: You. They may have pi squared, but we got root 2 to the power of e!

you! Fight for your

Dex: Thumbs!

brother, your father, fight

Alex 43: Them too! It's all part of the learning experience!

for freedom! Stay together,

Dex: And they'll kill you all at once with a very big fireball. Yeah, don't do that.

and fight for one

Alex 43: Good tea-table!

another. But if you

Dex: Need instructions, check out the enclosed instruction book.

see yourself back home,

Alex 43: Then you went the wrong way.

with your wife and

Dex: Great big load of dishes to be done,

children, with a rainbow

Alex 43: Colored horse.

in the sky do

Dex: The laundry, too.

not worry. For you

Alex 43: Are probably dead now.

have gone to heaven

Alex 43: %&^$!

Dex: Should've read ahead. ... hmm ... have gone to heaven, they'll charge you a buck fifty.

and you already dead!

Alex 43: Not a very good war-speech. now everyone's going to think "Hey, dying sounds awesome! Let's all go do that!", and you're never gonna make a single kill.

Do not fear the

Dex: Monsters you'll fight, but rather the one that's behind you. Right now.

monsters, but fear what

Alex 43: What I put in your morning stews! Heh heh heh ...

your wife is going

Dex: To knock your block off.

to cook for dinner

Alex 43: Food is needed. Good luck.

when we win!

Dex: And again, it ends with me ...

Alex 43: I swear, it's a coincidence.

*a roar is heard throughout the city.

Alex 43: It is later followed by "DON'T STEP ON MY TOE!"

Suddenly the ground shakes, a thunderous noise is heard. We look over the stone wall and there is the massive demon army in the horizon.

Dex: *As random demon in the pack with an oddly high-pitched voice* Are we there yet?

The skeleton warriors are in the front with the demons in the back lead by Lucien.

Dex: *As Lucien* Are we there yet?

The skeletal mages and their swordsmen charges

Dex: ... what?

Alex 43: Apparently the skeletal mages each own a swordsman, and they're all CHARGING THEIR LAZAR!

Dex: ... ... what?

Kulla’s mages ensnare many of them causing them to slow down.

Alex 43: Such weak mages. Ensnare is supposed to STOP them!

Dex: Alex, this is a work of fiction. It wouldn't be as dramatic if it worked like real life.

The catapults launch huge fireballs into their line.

Dex: Now here, that's something I don't get.

Alex 43: What do you mean?

Dex: Why are they firing their catapults at the line? They should be firing them at Lucien! He's the one who's commanding them.

Alex 43: Well, if they kill Lucien, they'll have already let the guys in front overtake them.

Dex: But without Lucien to lead them, they'll be scattered, and their strategy will fall apart. They could be saving hundreds of lives with just one well-coordinated fireball to the mahjarrat.

Alex 43: I think Lucien's supposed to be invincible.

Dex: THEN WHAT DOES HE NEED AN ARMY FOR?!?

Alex 43: ... entertainment?

Dex: ... all right, I'll go with that.

They ran closer to the wall and the rangers picked them off.

Alex 43: With their fingers like scabs.

Dex: Those are big rangers ...

Mike: This is too easy. We’re just murdering the army, and why haven’t the demons attacked?

Alex 43: They're probably paralyzed with laughter.

Black demon: My lord Lucien, sir the entire first wave is nearly destroyed.

Dex: Quiet, you idiot! He's going to kill you in his rage!

Lucien: very good

Dex: ... huh! He's also a suicide practitioner ...

send in the 1st and 2nd legions.

Alex 43: *As black demon* All right. Nick, Sam, Joe, and James, you're up!

A large force of lesser demons charges the wall, as they approach the skeletal mages cast a spell which turns all of their fallen comrades into strong towers.

Dex: That's so like Lucien. He's so conservant. He re-uses everything he touches, even if they die.

Alex 43: ... how do you know Lucien.

Dex: When you're a master of the universe, you can know whoever you want.

The lessers climb up the towers and began to massacre the lightly defended mages and rangers.

Alex 43: Give them a couple of tables! Then the lessers won't be able to reach them!

Dex: Idiots ...

Ranger captain: Fall back! They have broken through! Retreat to the lower level, I said retr-

Dex: *As idiot* Retr? What's that supposed to mean, sir-

Just then a lesser with it’s might claws ripped into his body and tore his intestines and heart out.

Alex 43: With his permission, I hope.

The ranger fell dead.

Dex: Ah, good. He died. I'm glad I was able to convince myself that the removal of a human's intestines and heart mean inevitable and comparatively quick death.

Alex 43: As opposed to what?

Dex: ... I dunno, a lecture regarding personal space?

Pika: Retreat to the lower level! Get some swordsmen up here! Wizard! Can you turn those bones into bananas?

Alex 43: That should end the war. Free food for everyone!

Dex: Now if only there was a spell to make the enemy allergic to fruit ...

Wizard: We’ll try give us some cover fire, mages with me!

Dex: That made no sense! The mages are already messed up!

A large group of swordsmen enters the area.

Alex 43: But since we don't know which side they're on, they become meaningless and disintegrate on the spot.

Swordsmen captain: Your orders sir!

Dex: *British accent* Tea and a couple biscuits. Chop chop!

Pika: protect those mages at all cost! My rangers will provide some cover fire.

Alex 43: Covering someone in fire's not good for the body ...

Swordsmen captain: Aye sir, men move out!

Dex: *As captain* We've sold this lot to a bunch of nursing school children, and we want you outta here at once!

The mages begin to transform the bones to bananas, but they are so huge that it takes many shots to destroy one small section.

Dex: That's because Lucien's got a bananas to brains spell!

Alex 43: *After 15 seconds of pondering what he just heard, suddenly bursts out in laughter*

Black: Sir they are beginning to destroy the towers.

Alex 43: *As Lucien* Yeah, we're sitting on the exact same hill. Don't think I can't see that, shorty ...

Lucien: send in the 5th and 11th legions.

Dex: Here come the hamsters ...

Get the open that gate!

Alex 43: Have I will all their castle!

And get our siege machines up and running now!

Dex: That's something you do BEFORE you attack, idiot ...

Black: Aye sir! Send in the greaters!

Alex 43: Dun dun duuuuuuuuuunn!

Dex: *Mumbles something about originality,*

Back in the city we can see a tower with a group of men with blue flags and 4 people looking outward.

Dex: What? That's all they've got left?!?

Commander: another group incoming. Send the signal: target located, corrdinates 38 degrees north, 25 degrees east.

Alex 43: KABOOOM! *As soldier* Sir, we've destroyed your neighbor's house, just as you asked.

A captain below sees the flag waving in patterns

Dex: *As captain* Oooh! A bunny rabbit! Oooh! A little lamb! Oooh! A six-foot ballista bolt- THUNK!

Captain: shifting target area! 15 degrees north, -14 degrees east, ammo spikes!

Alex 43: You shift the weapon, not the target.

Dex: *As captain* Hey, you! Yeah, you, demon! Can you stand over there for a moment? No, left a bit. A bit more ... no, no, a bit too far. Go right a bit ... there! Stop! Now just hold still for a moment. CHOP! FLING! THUNK! Ha! Nailed him! We're so good at this!

Suddenly barrages of metal-spiked balls are sent flying into the demon lines.

Alex 43: Metal-spiked cotton balls ...

Many of the demons are turned to ash but more keep coming.

Alex 43: Magical metal-spiked cotton balls.

There is one section that brings us pretty close to the village.

Dex: It goes right up into Shane's wine cellar, by some freak coincidence ...

King: Sounds good, lets think of a plan.

Dex: If I may refer to a few dozen lines up ...

Alex 43: No, Dex. This is a story, not a historical event. There needs to be unnecessary suspense and drama.

They begin to talk. We move back to Lucien talking to the great eye.

Alex 43: *As Lucien* A dentist, an orthodontist ... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?!?

Lucien: I have failed you master.

Dex: *As eye* Yes, you did. I clearly stated that I wanted whipped cream in my hot chocolate, and you put in CARAMEL?!?

Eye: No you did not. I knew you would not be able to defeat them. It is all part of my plan.

Dex: His plan is the merciless genocide of his own troops in order to sue due to a legal loophole stated against the war rights of the slaughter limit of his men to win countless funds in order to buy better troops from the opposition with the promise of the eradication of other threats to gain the upper hand and annihilate them instantly while making peace with the other parties by eliminating the threat for them and ultimately becoming part of a larger alliance which will take over the world in all directions as they hold tight and, when it's all said and done, they'll betray the war-exhausted alliance, eliminate them all, and achieve world domination.

Alex 43: ... that'll work.

Dex: I know what you wanna say. Go ahead.

Alex 43: Ok. HOW do you KNOW all this?!?

Dex: Easy. I've done it before, except at the end, ruling the world became too boring, so I fronted it all to the highest bidder who gave it back its freedom and returned everything to normal while I experienced 2 years of sheer luxury with the remainder of the war funding.

Alex 43: Zamorak eat your heart out ...

They shall bring that boy here. When they do, I want him alive!

Dex: Are they assuming they're intentionally gonna bring Brad "dead"?

Alex 43: Maybe someone likes his armor.

Lucien: Yes my master. You shall return and the world will once again fear the great Zaros.

Dex: *As eye* Zamorak, you idiot, ZAMORAK! With a "RAK" at the end. Geez! *As self* I'd laugh at that one, but it'd break my character impression.






Dex: Empty space. We get a break.

Alex 43: So, tell me about Zaros.

Dex: Real lunatic, that guy. Likes the color black a lot.

Alex 43: ... anything else?

Dex: Nothing significant, no.

Alex 43: ... ... oh.

Brad is sitting on top of a hill alone staring into the sunset. Shane enters.

Alex 43: *As Shane* AAAUGH! IT BURNS!

Dex: Don't enter the sunset, then!

Shane: Are you okay?

Dex: *As Brad* There's a sword in my brain, I've got 4 arrows sticking out of my spine, my foot is missing, I've been infected by some disease, I'm dirty, I'm sweaty, I'm miserable, and I'm in very unforgivable state of pain right now.

Alex 43: *As Shane* So ... is that a "yes"?

Brad: We will be leaving soon.

Dex: Don't forget to use the bathroom before you go!

Shane: Yes we are.
Brad: Do you believe we’re ready?

Dex: ... actually, don't answer that.

Shane: A ready as can be.

Alex 43: Sounds like a Dr. Suess song.

Dex: I am Joe. So now you know. I lost my nose. Gee, that blows.

Brad: Still… a lot of people have been lost. Can we suffer another blow?

Alex 43: No, we can't! Someone let us out of this wind tunnel!

Shane: We’ll be fine. Don’t worry. At least she doesn’t have to see any of this.

Dex: Her eyes were gorged out by a couple of javelins.

Brad: I should have been there.

Alex 43: *As Shane* Why would you want to be in prison?

Shane: There was nothing you could have done differently.
Brad: When will we move out?
Shane: Not for a while. All of our barrows armor was all damaged.

Dex: Alex.

Alex 43: Yeah?

Dex: Please point out in the entire story a point in which they actually get hit by something.

Alex 43: *Skims through* ... um ... it says here that Brad got smacked at one point.

Dex: Aside from tha- wait, with what?

Alex 43: ... doesn't say.

Dex: Then we'll assume he was smacked with a Flail of Inconvenience. It destroyed his armor and the armor of his father whom, at the time, was 10 000 feet above him.

Alex 43: Wow. I want one of those.

Dex: You can get them at the shop next door the swordsmith. Wholesale, too. Although, they do use an unnecessary amount of packaging.

Alex 43: I'm not surprised.

It will take a while to fix them all.

Dex: Then use a tablet!

Alex 43: ... what?

Dex: You're mumbling again. Don't speak unless you can do it nice and clear.

Alex 43: *Forced silence*

Brad: Yeah I suppose we’ll have to wait.
Shane: Come on we should get home.

Dex: Don't they live in what now is a battle-ridden fire-engulfed wasteland of a field?

Alex 43: At least it's warm there.

While brad was sleeping that night, a vision appeared.

Alex 43: *As vision* Yoooou're noooot geeettiiing eeeeenough sleeeeeeeep!

Dex: And he couldn't sleep the rest of the night.

Brad was flying over a calm and peaceful lake. In the middle was a patch of dirt and there was suppose to be a chest buried deep under it. He wakes up in a cold sweat.

Alex 43: Apparently, flying in your sleep is exhausting.

Dex: I blame the mattress.

He rushes out to the study room below looking at old maps.

Dex: Since there are no cars, I'm guessing the offense is "Reading and Running"?

Alex 43: Yeah, except there are more nosebleeds then noseless.

Dex: This is a good world.

In the morning Shane wakes up and finds Brad staring at a map of the kingdom[/i].

Dex: *As Brad* By Saradomin! The landmarks in this map are illegible! OUR WORLD IS CHANGING BEFORE OUR EYES!

Alex 43: *As Shane* You're holding it upside down again.

Shane: did you stay here all night?
No answer

Alex 43: He's dead. Of course he's been there all night.

Shane: Brad…? Brad!

Alex 43: *Shane* Braaaaaaaaad!

Dex: Fission mailed.

Brad: What o sorry father.

Dex: Without punctuation, it sounds like Brad's calling Shane a "sorry father".

Alex 43: You'd think it was intentional.

Dex: "WHAT o sorry FATHER?!? WHY do you DISTURB ME?!?"

Alex 43: Apparently, flying in your sleep is also stressful.

Shane: Must be some map.

Alex 43: It's taking in 3 gallons of drool and it's still legible!

Brad: I had a dream last night. There was this lake…

Dex: He wet the bed.

Shane: What did it look like?

Alex 43: It's a lake, Shane. It looks like WATER! Lots of it in one area!

Dex: Define "lots".

Takes out a piece of paper.
Brad: Well there were trees all around the place and the lake was huge. There was a small waterfall above head and right in the middle was a –

Alex 43: It's the mystical negative-sign lake! It makes lightning shoot up to the clouds instead of down!

Dex: So what was the paper for?

Shane: I know that place!
Brad: You do?

Alex 43: There's a Starbucks there. They serve a mean cappuccino.

Shane: That is where I found that sword.
Brad: I have to go there!

Alex 43: *As Shane* Why can't you use the bathroom like an ordinary man?

Dex: *As Brad* Because they're all ... insignificant!

Shane: All right then, grab a saddle.

Dex: Grab a saddle, not a horse. What, is he going to strap it onto Shane and ride HIM there?

Alex 43: That would make a good sitcom ...

They mount on their horses and travel for many hours until they reach the lake. They can hear the birds singing in the trees and the water splashing onto the ground.

Dex: It seems that all the birds are giving birth simultaneously.

Brad: There’s the mound. Hand me the rope.

Alex 43: *As Shane* Err, I only have saddles! No rope!

Dex: *As Brad* Fine timiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing- *Splat*

Alex 43: There's a descriptive scene up ahead. Shall we FWF?

Dex: ... you first.

Brad ties one end

Alex 43: Of the copper wire to Shane, and proceeds with his electrical conductivity experiment.

to a tree and

Dex: Missed.

the other end around

Alex 43: His neck.

his waist. He jumps

Dex: Into a speeding locomotive.

into the cold water

Alex 43: And immediately dies of hypothermia.

with a shovel and

Dex: Plays "whack-a-mole" with the sharks.

makes it to the

Alex 43: Other end of the Earth!

mound. He begins to

Dex: Forget how to breathe.

dig hard until he

Alex 43: Realizes he's digging into his own stomach by mistake.

finds the chest. He

Dex: Needs a breath-mint.

ties the rope around

Alex 43: His neck.

the chest and hangs

Dex: Himself.

on tight. He starts

Alex 43: Rearranging his living room.

swimming back to shore

Dex: Is the first thing you should do if you cannot swim.

and Shane is pulling

Alex 43: His hair out.

him back as hard

Dex: Pointy rocks fall on his head.

as he could. Brad

Alex 43: Is such a boring name.

makes it to shore

Dex: Headfirst, at abnormally high and consequential speeds.

cold and tired.

Alex 43: But at least he found his contact lens. Wow, that was a quick and fun Four-Word-Mayhem.

Dex: I want something to drink.

Shane: Well… that’s my morning workout for today.

Alex 43: Now it's just his late morning, noon, mid-noon, late-noon, afternoon, , mid-afternoon, late-afternoon, mid-evening, evening, night, midnight, and truck drivers workouts he has to do, and he's done for the day.

Brad: So cold… hand me that rag. I wonder what’s inside.

Dex: Boogers and snot, most likely.

Brad opens the chest and both are shocked at its content.

Dex: Two tickets to a Roger Springer concert.

King Kulla: You found what!

Alex 43: You found another clue scroll!

Dex: Where'd Kulla come from?

Shane: Dragon armor sir, a full set of dragon armor

Alex 43: Naturally, it's 30 sizes too big for him.

and some other interesting sets.

Dex: Cheese and Cracker armor, Pots and Pans armor, the Jester Fighter set with 3 swords included, the Idiot Fighter set complete with all 52 different types of pies, the Fat Foil, made entirely out of tin, the Sword of Fist, the Shield of Holes, and the Boots of Lead.

Alex 43: Did you actually buy anything from that store?

Dex: Just that shield. Makes a good basketball hoop.

King Kulla: how many are there?
Shane: We have 1 set of dragon armor that only fits Brad,

Alex 43: Bicycle pump for the win.

Dex: *Stares*

two metal armors, one ranger and one mage armor. Besides the dragon, all of the others bear the symbol of all the gods.
King Kulla: It is a gift from the Gods.

Dex: Mean Gods to make you have to dive into freezing waters and catch hypothermia just to receive it ...

We need to go now while we have the chance. You all know the plan?
Pika: Of course sir.

Dex: Don't die, live, and try to survive.

Alex 43: I'm not even going to ask where Pika came from.

King Kulla: Then we are moving out first thing in the morning.

Alex 43: First thing. That means no showers. They're gonna use chemical warfare to win!

Dex: I don't blame them. Death by misery is a lot more fun to watch.

Mike: Better be sober tomorrow wizard.
Wizard: O one pint isn’t going to harm me.

Alex 43: Define pint.

Dex: Probably however much beer he can get in himself in less then 30 seconds.

Alex 43: They're doomed ...

They assemble in the courtyard.

Dex: That's where the popcorn machine is.

King Kulla: All right men here’s the plan.

Dex: Do we really have to go through this again?

Alex 43: Their last plan didn't go very well.

Dex: That's because they don't listen to me.

Alex 43: This is a story, Dex.

Dex: Yeah. Not a very good one ...

Alex 43: ... I give up.

The main battle group shall be with me. We will follow Chris through the tunnel.

Dex: Wait, who's Chris?

Alex 43: Remember? He's that guy that was so insignificant to the plot that we completely forgot who he was?

Dex: Oh yes, that dwarf commander.

Mike’s battle group will be on top and act like a diversion. Hopefully they can get the rest of their army away from us. This is our last stand, god is with us!

Alex 43: Third legion, 2nd from the left, to be precise.

They all return home and brad is by the fireplace polishing his new set of armor. Suddenly Crysala enters.

Dex: CRYSALA ENTERED! DUCK FOR COVER!

Crysala: When are you leaving?
Brad: At dawn.

Alex 43: *As Brad* Look to the east.

Dex: Hardly gives them any time to rest, really.

Alex 43: Sooner he can get away from her, the better.

Crysala: Brad…. Don’t go. I have a feeling that you won’t be coming back.

Alex 43: Well, duh? I thought that's what emigration meant.

Crysala breaks down in tears.

Dex: Fix it.

Brad: Don’t be silly, I’ll come back.

Alex 43: *As Crysala* Actually, I'm crying because you stepped on our cat.

Crysala: How can I trust you?
Brad: Trust in your heart.

Dex: It's right next to the dagger.

Brad stands up and gives Crysala a hug. His soft body soothes her soul.

Dex: *Without notable reason, bursts out laughing*

Alex 43: *Stares concernedly*

They share a passionate kiss and the fire goes out.

Alex 43: That usually means they're not doing it right.

Dawn appears.

Dex: Who's Dawn?

Alex 43: His affair.

Mike is preparing to depart. A few gnome gliders are ready to fly them to the mountain.

Alex 43: Gnome gliders? Why not just use planes and helicopters like everyone else?

Dex: *Tries to say something, but can't quite do so*

King Kulla takes his men and follows Chris to the mountain.

Dex: That's a strong king.

Alex 43: Come one, come all! See as our beloved king ascends a mountain hauling his royal army above his head!

[i]Brad looks back to the doorway and sees Crysala worried about his trip.

Alex 43: Hang-gliding to the top of a mountain is always dangerous.

Dex: Especially when gravity is supposed to fail them in order for it to actually happen.

Brad: Thanks for the rider gnomes.

Dex: Extra comrades in arms?

Alex 43: In-flight food.

Dex: Oh. ... oh. ... OH! ... ... what?

Gnome commander: No problem, just flash the light when you’re ready to leave.

The group above ground is slowly crossing the deserted mountain range as the gliders head back to the city.

Dex: I think we spoofed this too much. WHAT is happening?

Alex 43: Hmm. By the looks of things ... they're there.

Dex: Got it. Thanks.

Brad: Does Pika see anything?

Alex 43: *As Pika* Yes, I do. There appears to be an arrow over there. As I am mentally noting, it appears to be approaching this direction as a speed my mind cannot interpret as anything less then fast. Indeed, now as I speak, it is much more closer then where it originally started. Ah, now it is in a position in which I am unable to look at it due to the fact it has now removed the eye in which I look at things with. My apologies.

Dex: *Makes a face*

Shane: No not yet. Mike do you think king Kulla is okay?

Dex: I made you a face.

Alex 43: EEWWW!

Suddenly Chris is running toward them.

Dex: ZOMBIES!

Chris: We have trouble. King Kulla needs you now!

Dex: The lazy bum! He's got a whole ARMY to help him! Why does he need Mike?

Alex 43: Maybe he's Kulla's tea-server.

Mike: Very well, Shane go get Pika and the wizard.

Alex 43: The wizard still doesn't have a name, even when being referred to.

Dex: I hope he dies.

Alex 43: Why?

Dex: Then at the funeral, we can find out what his name is. I mean, they can't put "wizard" on a gravestone. It's already been done half a million times!

Alex 43: Half a million grave- how would you know that?

Dex: ... I hope he dies ...

Commander take your battle group back to the fall back position. Wait for us there.
Commander: Aye sir.

Dex: They have a fall-back position in the middle of enemy territory?

Alex 43: A half-splits position while up on their right hand while curving their bodies 90 degrees to the right with a fifty-degree twist in their hips while touching their free hand with their opposite foot.

Dex: What? But if you did that, wouldn't you fall- ... oh.

The commander takes the group and marches away. The group enters a dark valley toward the village.

Dex: Where have I heard that name before?

Alex 43: Everybody uses that name for places that the sun fails to function at.

Brad: I don’t like this father, it’s too quiet.

Dex: A gramophone, 16-inch speaker, and Frank Sinatra. There, fixed.

Shane: I know, just keep your guard up.

Alex 43: I thought killing guards was harsh. Now they're wielding them.

Chris: Relax my friends. The army does not even know about this place. King Kulla’s forces are up ahead.

Dex: Hm. King Kulla needs help in a place that the enemy army doesn't know about. Highly suspicious.

Alex 43: Dex, remember. They need their afternoon tea.

Then they see a cave opening with the King Kulla’s army decimated. They ran to search for survivors.

Dex: And barrows sets. And party hats.

Shane: They are all dead. Find Kulla’s body!

Alex 43: He has a full mask set on him!

Mike: You told me that the demons did not know about this place!

Dex: Oh, i dunno. The neon lights and the directory over there kinda gave it away.

Chris: I don’t know! Kulla just said that he saw a battalion ahead and asked me to get you people.

Dex: *As Kulla* A battalion! This vast invincible strike-force army isn't going to be enough! Someone go get Mike to serve us tea!

Suddenly a look of shock on Chris’s face.

Alex 43: He forgot his pants.

Wizard: It’s Kulla!

Alex 43: *As wizard* KULLA! With a "K"! Koo-laa!

Kulla: Mike, Chris is a traitor! He got us ambushed!
Mike: You snake! I’m going to rip your heart out!

Dex: Oh come ON! That's the best threat you can come up with? The entire army is DEAD, you idiot! Give him something that'll make him shudder when he even thinks of the possibility of such an elaborate word combination.

Alex 43: Well, what would you say?

Dex: Probably something like this: that I treat all my enemies as they are. Nothing but filthy, insignificant, famine RATS! And no, I don't JUST step on them. But after I'm through with you, you'll wish I had you whipped, squished, and burned into a necklace instead. No, I will SHOVE cooking needles into your eyes, inflate them with gelatin, and use them as BASEBALLS while they're still attached to your HEAD! After I win the World Series with you, I will peel all your skin off with a BATTLE-AXE and JAM it all down your throat in one tightly condensed ball of PUS after I FORCE you to VOMIT on it! Then I'll wedge you into a rusty tub of salty, boiling alcohol and strangle you down with strands of barbed WIRE just to keep you in! THEN, when you're on the verge of drowning, I will yank your bloody shriveled hide out and I'll tear your vocal box out with a pair of hedge trimmers so you won't even be able to screeeaam in agony as I WHIP you a THOUSAND TIMES with a splintering 2x4 covered in sandpaper with a chorus of laughing homeless people surrounding you! THEN I will light you on fire by dumping a barrel of molten STEEL on you and heave you off a cliff into a HEAT GEYSER where you'll get stuck, solidify, and stay wedged in the UNBEARABLE heat for a millennium where even the GODS will cringe at your torment! And if we're both still alive after that, I just simply MIGHT decide to kill you to end your endless agony. Simply MIGHT!

NOTE: We apologize for any uncontrollable movements and urges the above statement may cause. Especially since this was only the censored, rendered, and manipulated version of the threat. To post the real threat would be a crime to the human mind and the English language. Not to mention it would control the world's population. And we don't want that, now, do we?

Chris: Oh god Dex!
Kulla: I don't want my brain anymore.

Alex 43: *Is nervously sitting in a corner, chewing his own hand off while vibrating so much all physical features are blurred*

Dex: Yeah, I would probably do that again. Good fun. Especially when I <CENSOR> all of their <CENSOR> <CENSOR> piece of string <CENSOR> <CENSOR> <CENSOR> strand of seaweed <CENSOR> lots of pebbles <CENSOR> <CENSOR> brain cells.

Alex 43: *Nervous breakdown*

Dex: Heh. Novice. Don't worry, it'll wear off in a couple minutes when your brain realizes I'm not actually doing it right now.

Alex 43: *Drools subconsciously*

As Mike reached for his sword a magical blast hits his chest knocking him down. Ten cannons are shown above, pointing at the men below.

Dex: What a day for Mike to get his life insurance revoked ...

Lucien: Don’t move! Move and I have no problem shooting these cannons.

Dex: Sure, shooting is no problem. Hitting something with the shots, however ...

Good work Chris you’ll get your gold when we go back.
Chris: I don’t care about the gold and jewels. I want what you promised me.

Dex: A toasted, all-seasoned bagel with cream cheese and just a hint of sugar on top.

Lucien: That shall be determined by my master. Tie them up.

Dex: ... wow, didn't think this would be so hard doing it all by myself ...

A few demons head down and take all their weapons and armor. They tie them up and blindfold and put them in a wagon as they head back to the village.

Dex: Now would be an awesome time for everyone to have a suicide detonation pack to blow themselves up along with Lucien's army and then, of course, respawn home and safe.

Brad: Why did you do it Chris? Was it something I did?
Chris is silent.

Dex: *As Brad* It's the pie, isn't it? It HAS to be the pie. Am I right?

Brad: was it something we did?

Dex: Ok, it's the cake, then. Poor guys. Scars one for life if you use a cake the correct way ... or rather, "incorrect" ...

Chris is still silent.

Dex: Let the dwarf sleep, you guys! He needs it!

King Kulla: Was it because during the dwarven war my men killed your family?
Chris: Keep quiet!

Dex: *As Kulla* Look, I wasn't even BORN then! Why am I always blamed for EVERYTHING that happened in the past?!?

King Kulla: So it is…

Dex: Readers Note: I always keep a spare just in case.

Shane: Keep your strength Kulla, don’t speak.

Dex: Yeah, speaking is SOOOOOOOO hard on the body!

They enter the dungeon. Everybody but Brad is chained to the wall. Brad is hanging in the middle with his amulet on a table in front.

Dex: ... four ... three ... two ... one!

Alex 43: *Suddenly awakens and gasps for air*

Dex: Welcome back to Runescape!

Alex 43: *Gasp* *Gasp* Oh ... my word! Dex! I can't believe you actually said-

Dex: Don't think about it! DON'T THINK!

Alex 43: *Unconscious again*

Dex: A pity these things wear off over time. I know a hundred things I could do with them.

Lucien: Well, well, well. Thirty years… we’ve been looking for you for thirty years, and now you are mine. You’re pathetic, but you shall serve a great being.

The great eye enters.

Dex: Boing. Boing. Boing. Boing. Having legs would be cool, now, wouldn't it, Sauron?

Eye: Is he ready?
Lucien: Master Zaros.

Dex: *As eye* Zamorak! ZAMORAK! I know the "orak" part is hard, but you don't have to shorten it ...

Mike/Shane/Pika/Wizard: ZAROS!

Dex: *As Zaros* I'm not deaf, you know. *Normal* *Cough* Ug! Worst God impression I've ever done.

Shane: So it is you who’s behind all of this.

Dex: *As ninja* No, it is ME! HUYA!

Alex 43: *Wakes up again*

Dex: About time. Now finish this with me! Unless you really want me to lie.

Alex 43: Ung ... sorry, what's this about ninjas?

Chris: Keep silent!

Alex 43: *As Chris* Geez, this hangover is murder to my head!

Eye: Prepare the transfer.

Dex: Ooh, they're putting the eyeball in someone's head!

Alex 43: Good anatomical fun!

Chris: Wait! What about my reward! You promised me!

Alex 43: Heh, probably an all-seasoned bagel with cream cheese and sugar on top.

Dex: Toasted, actually.

Alex 43: Ah yes.

Eye: Ah yes, you wish to be reunited with them.

Dex: Oh, I can see where this is going.

Alex 43: Reunited with who?

Dex: His dead family.

Alex 43: Oh, I can see where this is going.

Chris: Yes now bring me to them!

Alex 43: *As Lucien* Here ya go. *Tosses Chris a bundle of bones.*

Dex: You just decreased a prayer level.

Eye: Very well, you shall join them!

Alex 43: Lucien hands him two tickets to the Aerosmith concert. *As Lucien* Have fun!

A lighting strike hits Chris and he is turned to ash.

Dex: *Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap*

Eye: Begin the ritual!

Five skeletal mages enter and begins a chant. The amulet begins to glow. A dark force from the eye surrounds the amulet and strikes Brad at the heart. He is in terrible pain, he is losing.

Alex 43: Losing is painful.

Dex: The Game.

Alex 43: Ouch. I rest my case.

Shane: Brad no! Fight it!

Alex 43: His arms are chained and he's getting hit by magical force. Pretty hard to score an uppercut and a one-two in that situation.

Dex: You just decreased a prayer level.

A blast destroys Shane’s chains and Crysala throws him his sword.

Dex: The heck? How'd she get in?

Alex 43: The front door, obviously. While human males always ALWAYS assume an enemy fortress is heavily defended, they charge forth with their armies and challenge them dead on through constant exposure, taunts, and challenge. Crysala, on the other hand, is female, and utilizing the possibility that they might not have guards after all, walked through the front door without nay but a scratch. You'll do well to never underestimate girls, Dex.

Dex: Saved by the girlfriend. See, this is why I never get engaged. I'd never live such an embarrassing moment down.

Alex 43: How do we know this Crysala isn't some sort of super-spirit of Godliness or something?

Dex: ... because she doesn't have fluorescent hair.

Crysala: Go save Brad. I’ll get the others!

Dex: *As Shane* You do it! You're closer!

Shane charges toward Brad.

Alex 43: Rage-quitter.

Lucien: O no you wo-

Dex: *As Lucien* Won! Now I will have to plot my revenge all over again.

Alex 43: *As Lucien* Worsened the souffle I was making!

Crysala fires a strike and send Lucien flying. Shane kills the mages and manages to free Brad and takes the amulet.

Dex: "Manages".

Alex 43: Indeed. Killing dead stuff is easy. Saving live stuff, however ...

Dex: You just decreased another prayer level.

A terrible cry from the eye is heard.

Alex 43: *As eye* There's hair on my lollipop!

Crysala releases the others and in a sack hands them their armor and weapons.

Dex: *As Mike* Oh, YOU had them all this time! Would've been a lot easier if we had those to BEGIN with.

Mike: Wizard help Kulla. Pika get your arrows!

Alex 43: Wizard quits because of unworthiness of not having a name, Kulla suffers for eternity, and Pika wonders where he got ranging skill from.

Dex: This is why everybody in the world should just have swords.

Suddenly the earth shakes, and a terrible cry is heard again.

Dex: *As eye* You think you have defeated me? Two plus two is- ... ten. In base four! I'm FINE!

Then a human figure from the shadows begins to materialize from where the eye was.

Alex 43: Hey, Dex, you're in this story!

Dex: Sweet. Everybody's going to die now.

Lucien: Muhaha! You’re too late. Arise Zaros! Arise and show your might!

Dex: I give up. These guys are going to mess up names, I'll just leave it.

Alex 43: Ok, I don't get you. That IS supposed to be Zaros. Why do you think it's a messed up name?

Dex: Because it's not Zaros. Zamorak, probably, but not Zaros.

A monster shaped like a human appears with the smell of death upon him. His eyes burning with fire as blood oozes out of them.

Dex: Wow! I actually feel like I'm there!

Alex 43: Dex, please let go of my visor. Slowly.

He has no skin and all of his organs can be seen powered by a dark beating haeart.

Alex 43: Death by Health and Fitness Education dummy.

Dex: What's a haeart?

Alex 43: A questionable heart. You know, when you're identifying something out loud with uncertainty?

Dex: Kinda like how you have a baerain?

Alex 43: Ye- ... ye- ... *thinks* ... the idea is there.

Dex: *Chuckles*

Monster: Ah free at last.
Lucien: What a minute you’re-

Dex: Yeah, that's right. I'm Dex. Your new Lord and God. Now SERVE MY TEA, MIKE!

Alex 43: Heh, you probably COULD be their Lord and God.

Dex: I was, actually. For a day. You have no idea what sorts of twisted things they do in honor of their God.

Alex 43: Like what?

Dex: Ever smell the hides of 16 different creatures' month-old corpses at once?

Alex 43: Say no more.

Monster: You’re right

Alex 43: The square root of phi times the tenth power of 'e' is indeed equal to (pi*r) all over 7.

A glare on Lucien and he begins to choke.

Alex 43: It seems that Lucien chokes himself when he glares.

Dex: Considering they don't have an esophagus, that's what I'd call a feat.

Near death is thrown to the other side of the dungeon and is unconscious.

Dex: ... what?

Alex 43: For some reason, Death's less-experienced cousin was thrown to the other side of the dungeon and is unconscious.

Dex: Now they're just pulling characters out of a hat.

In a deep eerie voice he beings to speak.

Dex: He "beings" ... my word, THREE errors in a row!

Alex 43: I think they're trying to imply that upon your arrival, all manner of reality flux has broken loose.

Dex: Ohhhhh! Yeah, and the rivers bleed out of their skins.

Monster: well hello Shane. Long time no see.
Shane: What are you?

Dex: I'm a <SPELL-CHECK ERROR>. Doi.

Alex 43: Why did my visor just pop off?

Monster: Do you not remember me? Or do I really need to get my halberd before you recognize me?

Alex 43: It's the Burger Baron mascot!

Dex: It's Flubber!

Pika: It can’t be…

Dex: *As Pika* We CAN'T be all out of chocolate milk!

Mike: Only person who ever used a halberd was…

Alex 43: A Tyras Guard

Dex: A higher-then-world-class idiot.

Shane: Jeff…?

Dex: ... well, beats "Mary Sue" any day.







Alex 43: I'm addicted to empty spaces now. Is that a good thing?

Dex: Not if there's supposed to be a picture there.

Alex 43: I know. I close my eyes whenever one appear so I don't have to suffer the unoriginality.

Dex: Welcome to the club.

Jeff stares at the men. Kulla is starting to mend with the wizard’s help

Dex: Jeff is probably thinking: why is nobody else helping the king?

Shane: How is this possible? You are dead, I held you in my arms.

Alex 43: *As Shane* I even stabbed you with a wooden stake 600 times to make sure you were!

Dex: Shane knows how to have fun.

Jeff: Great magic and a little help from that pathetic Zamorak.

Dex: How rude. Is that how you treat anybody friendly enough to help bring you back to life?

Pika: You went to hell? We thought you would be in heaven.

Alex 43: *As Jeff* I knew I should've turned left at Albuquerque.

Jeff: I thought the same, but there is no justice with God!

Dex: Lose once at rock-paper-scissors, lose them all.

Mike: You went to hell because you deserved it after what you did-

Alex 43: Kids, a word of advise. Don't cut class!

Jeff: Don’t you dare bring her in this conversation!

Dex: But Oprah is so GOOD at setting things right between couples!

Alex 43: Actually, I think you want Dr. Phil for that.

Dex: Who?

Mike: Why shouldn’t I! Your wife loved you and you beat her up!

Alex 43: That's about 80% of human marriages right there, Dex.

Dex: Makes me proud to be Canadian.

little late, i didn't read the whole thing. had some laughs from your work. though i must say alex... don't let me catch you at bounty hunter area on runescape....

WOW!
That is long when I get home I'll read it trough. Nice work!

yeah but alex remember. shane is my friend, and he knows where you live