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Alex 43: Short, quick, basic ... only one cure for that!
It's MANYA RATES YOUR STORIES!
Staring the one that nobody has complained about yet, to which I am very surprised: MANYA!
Manya: We'll make this one a quickie, like this story part is. To me, it looks more like a simple dialogue between different characters without any real action.
Alex 43: Yeah, but it's dedicated to a war.
Manya: Oh, in that case, that's good. A war without action is the best one, methinks.
Alex 43: Amen to that. Begin reading.
"Hello friend I am glad you came when i made the call."
Manya: Hmm. We may have to improvise a bit with this one.
Alex 43: It's simply a trick to writing. It's customary for writers to start stories off with something that doesn't make sense whatsoever so the reader will keep on going and look back a lot just so he can understand that, and once he does, he gets that feeling of accomplishment and continues now that he understands everything.
Manya: You just out-lasted this story already ...
"My name is Vasili basically what we have here is a resistance or militia made from the neighborhood."
Alex 43: Ok, the first guy called Vasili over and he came. Now he's giving this guy a synopsis, so now it's this first guy's turn to talk-
Manya: 'Made from the neighborhood?'
Alex 43: Again, the humans are very resourceful. They take houses, gardens, and dog-houses, and construct stuff out of them.
Manya: ... yeah, I totally knew that.
"We house Jewish families in this neighborhood and are intending on fighting for the block."
Manya: That must be one really popular StarBucks ...
Alex 43: Odd, how this first guy already knows what's happening because he was called over to learn about the situation. Ok, Vasili's turn to talk.
"Here take this" he had handed my a German scoped Kar98k
Manya: ... translation?
Alex 43: By the looks of it ... it was a mistype. See, take the 'y' in 'my', and replace it with 'e'. He had handed him a German scoped combination of letters and numbers. A license plate, probably, with a scope.
Manya: Yeah, but who gave who a license plate?
Alex 43: Let's not worry about that until it's actually used.
"I hear you handle one of these well eh?" "Yes sir"
Manya: It takes real skill and effort to handle a scoped license plate, doesn't it?
Alex 43: That's why they train for many years.
I replied it was true i was a stranded Russian soldier trying to find friendlies, which i apparently found.
Manya: Translation?
Alex 43: In response to the questioning and immediate answering of his capability to handle a scoped license plate, he randomly said it was true that he was a standard Russian soldier trying to find lies his friends left behind, and obviously found some.
Manya: ... I do pray this is a work-in-progress ...
"So" I said
Manya: Sense at last!
Alex 43: Manya, that's mean!
"how many troops do we have housed here "100" Vasili replied
Alex 43: ...
Manya: I'm just going to keep reading, and we'll pretend that never happened.
"how many did scouts estimate" I said "300."
Alex 43: Who is saying what now?
Manya: Spacing: needed. Punctuation: needed. Spelling: needed. Actual plot: ... I might need a bigger list ...
"We are quite low on supplies enough ammo to fight but tanks and artillery were reported by the scouts."
Manya: I'm sorry, Alex, but we need another translation.
Alex 43: They are very low on supplies and commas.
Manya: Don't you think you're too literal?
"Show me what you have laying around." "Go look for yourself, and meet some of the troops"
Alex 43: Ok, Manya, conversation's ended. Action time.
Manya: Thank goodness. What have we got now?
I saw 5 gallons of gasoline 6 gallons of lighter fluid 10 grenades 20 mortar shells and that was it basically miserably equipped to fight off tanks or artillery.
Manya: ... let me try something here. *Whips out danger-pen*
I saw 5 gallons of gasoline! 6 gallons of lighter fluid!! 10 grenades!!!! 20 mortar shells!!!! ... and that was it? Basic ally miser. Able, we're equipped to fight off tanks or artillery!
Alex 43: Where did you get that?
Manya: Wizard Compentry had a brief encounter with Dex in a bad mood.
Alex 43: Oh, I see. You grabbed one of his inventions while he was attacked?
Manya: No, this is Wizard Compentry.
I slept that night in fear but then i heard the siren all the men got up and went into positions.
Manya: I gotta do this more often, don't I?
I slept that night in F.E.A.R. (Flamin' Evil Arson Residence). But then ... I hear'd! The siren and all the men got up and 'went' in many positions.
Alex 43: Ewww!
Manya: Yeah, I know. This ink is red for a reason ...
I myself went into a large building broken by the blitzkrieg that had swept through here.
Alex 43: Wait, Manya! This one made sense!
Manya: Yeah, except this guy didn't have the decency and respect to 'go' with everyone else.
I heard the rolling of the tanks a boy about 13 sat next to me weeping in fear i heard the Nazis marching toward us.
Alex 43: Ok, this one's all yours.
Manya: This is fun!
I heard the rolling of the tanks on a boy. About 13 sat next to me weeping. In fear, I heard the Nazis marching toward us.
Alex 43: Next sentence.
I had discussed with the troops what we must do with the supplies we had to take out a tank or a halftrak.
Alex 43: Yeah, whatever one kills more people in a given amount of time is usually the best one to take out.
Manya: Hopefully this will give the impression that run-on sentences are nasty-annoying ...
I had dissed the cussing troops. What must we do with the supplies? We had to take a tank out for a half-track. And then maybe a movie, provided it buys the popcorn.
Alex 43: Now you're just going crazy.
Manya: Must keep going! Fun! COOLNESS FUN! GIMME THE NEXT ONE!
Alex 43: But it's on a completely different forum-
Manya: DON'T CARE! GIVE!
Alex 43: All right, all right. *Hands it over*. To whoever is reading this, I would like to sincerely apologize for what's about to happen.
Manya: *Officially mental* Danger-pen! Tackle attack!
I heard Vasili shout fire Comrades fire!
Manya: Easy one.
I heard Vasili. Shoot! Comrades on fire.
I hear Vasili call my name "Take out that machine gun nest!"
Alex 43: "Take out that machine gun nest"? What kind of parent names their child THAT?
Manya: A very violent one, methinks.
i looked through my scope at the men i said to myself "my shelter by which he protects me" and fired the man was dead.
Manya: Alley-oop!
I looked through my scope at the men, I said to myself. My shelter by which he protects me was on fire. The man was dead.
Alex 43: Actually, this is rather entertaining ...
Manya: You see? Everybody is happy now.
"halftrak coming in!" a man shouted two Jewish men came from the balcony and lobbed two moltov **** into the halftrak setting the halftrak on fire.
Manya: Danger-pen, to thy work!
Half-trek coming in a man, shouted two Js. Wish-men came from the balcony and sobbed. Two molotovs danced into the half-trek setting. The half-trek's on fire.
Alex 43: ... oh dear me, here comes a big one!
Manya: Yessss!
I looked down at Vasili shouting orders when i saw Vasili fall he had been shot in the leg i searched the buildings for the sniper i waited till he looked at me and i fired i shot him right through his scope into his eye i reloaded to find a German holding a pistol to my head to be continued........
Manya: Here is where I make my stand! *Brandishes pen*
I looked down to Vasili's shouting orders. When I saw Vasili, fall was here. He had been shot. In the leg, I searched. The buildings were for the sniper. I waited till he looked at me and fired. I shot him right through his scope, and reloaded his eye. I found a German in my pistol, holding my head. To be continued.
Alex 43: ... you know, this sounds a lot like a film I think I dreamed I saw because there are no films in Runescape so I have to dream up everything we should have.
Manya: Which version? His or mine?
Alex 43: It's not yours. You just re-worked it.
Manya: I know, but it's still different.
Alex 43: It doesn't matter. Give your rating now.
Manya: All right.
Ok ... what's your name- Imac. That's a good start to a story. Granted, of course, you have a little work to do.
And when I say 'little', I mean 'lit turtle'. You've got some real editing to do.
First off ... spacing. Everything is a single paragraph! Sentences right after the other! Not very cool to read, because it's easy to lose where you were reading should you somehow get distracted. And trust me, I do that a lot.
Next is sentence structure. Run-ons are bad. Say it with me. Baaaad. The little dot is your friend, so don't be afraid to use it, OK? Also, when you can, read it to yourself and wherever you find yourself pausing to change the tone of your voice, you want to add a comma. Because believe me when I say that run-ons and commaless sentences are really really annoying to read because they take forever to rad and nothing really interesting happens in them except at one point but then it's over and must keep on going because the reader is very ambitious and doesn't like having to back-track to the more important stuff so it would be very good if you would kindly add commas and periods in your sentences to avoid this sort of trouble.
Alex 43: Impressive. That was all in one breath.
Manya: Why thank you.
Third, we need setting, or at least hints to it. As far as I can tell, you're standing in a closet full of munitions to start with, where you fall asleep in fear (well duh, you're in a closet full of gasoline!). Then you move to the inside of a building (You were in a closet outdoors?). Take your time! Stories don't have to be rushed! I can't read your mind, so I have no idea where everything is going on!
Lastly ... and this part is merely a suggestion. If your parts are this short, you can keep them all within the same post for convenience. I know for a fact I don't want to watch a two-hour movie on Youtube in 3-minute parts which I have to change windows for each time. This is the same idea.
Otherwise, keep up the work. You can only improve, after all, and I'm here to help you do so.
Alex 43: My word, you're very passionate this time, Manya.
Manya: Passionate nothing. I wanna use this cool pen again!
Alex 43: ... yeah, should've seen that one coming ...
*CLICK*
Please remember that the views of Manya are not actually my own, and that nobody should take any offense to his crazy twisted sense of humor. It is all to be a joke, save for his advice at the end, and should you be offended by any of it ... well, you're not being forced to read it, are you? If you have any complains/death-wishes about Manya, PM them to Alex 43 and he'll discipline Manya in the appropriate way with a promise that it will never happen again.
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