My official Joke of the Day thread!!!

Chris · **Posted:** March 13th, 2006, 6:30 pm

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes_____ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________

19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

Adbot · **Posted:** March 13th, 2006, 6:30 pm

trekkie · **Posted:** March 14th, 2006, 12:57 am

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

why are we the only 2 posting jokes?

Chris · **Posted:** March 14th, 2006, 7:02 pm

I think people think they are too long to read, so they don't even post.

So here is a short one =)

The Shortest Fairytail

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

So the man spent the rest of his life hunting, fishing, and drinking beer and lived happily ever after.

THE END

Amv · **Posted:** March 14th, 2006, 7:26 pm

That fairy tale was so happy i cried!

Matt · **Posted:** March 14th, 2006, 8:11 pm

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
I can't find my pants.
_______________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
My pants are missing.
________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
MIKE TOOK MY PANTS!!!!
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
E. OMG I CAN'T FIND MY PANTSX

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. HungX
D. Strange Smell__

6. Are your pants plugged in? YesX No__

7. Are they turned on? YesX

No

8. Have you tried to find them yourself? YesX No__

9. Have you gotten lost yourself? YesX

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about pants" try to find them for you? YesX No__

11. Did he get lost as well? YesX

12. Have you read the manual? YesX No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? MaybeX No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? NoX

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ NoX

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
LOLOLOL PUDDING
__________________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your pants at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________________________
Dancing.
__________________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were "logged in"?
__________________________________________________________
I "logged into" my pants because I was cold and needed something to warm my legs.
__________________________________________________________

19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ NoX

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?X

21. Do you have a copy of 'Pants for Dummies'? YesX No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? YesX No__

23. Do you have any cloth products that DO work? Yes__ NoX

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__ George BushX

25. Have you given George Bush a good whack on the top? YesX No__

26. Is the he on fire? Yes__ Not YetX

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? George BushX

- Poison333

Chris · **Posted:** March 16th, 2006, 3:27 pm

Thanks Poison for that....interesting response XD

How to Write A paper

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.

4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about that.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an "A."

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it may be a little late.

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.

23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

24. Hand your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.

27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.

31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.

33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that was all the paper you had.

34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers' reactions to Spuds Mackenzie.

35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

36. Make your paper one long, never-ending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence.

37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.

38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!" Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper," then run outside to get it.

39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

41. Refer to all prominent historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".

42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action."

Adbot · **Posted:** March 16th, 2006, 3:27 pm

Robbie · **Posted:** March 16th, 2006, 4:01 pm

I really want to try out #17. :-k

trekkie · **Posted:** March 16th, 2006, 5:20 pm

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Robbie · **Posted:** March 16th, 2006, 9:51 pm

I hint a wee bit of racism in that. Just a wee bit though.

trekkie · **Posted:** March 17th, 2006, 10:37 am

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Chris · **Posted:** March 18th, 2006, 12:17 pm

Mechanical Issues

WHO SAID MAINTENANCE PROFESSIONALS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR?????

After various flights, Quantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Quantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Robbie · **Posted:** March 18th, 2006, 2:13 pm

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

:lol:

Whitefire9 · **Posted:** March 20th, 2006, 6:01 pm

Keep these up, you two made me and my friends all crack up of most of your jokes . Think I could post 1 of those "100 thing id do if..." jokes on here? I got a good 1.

Chris · **Posted:** March 20th, 2006, 7:15 pm

Hmm, PM me the joke and I'll see if you can or not....

Anywho, here's one of my classic favorites =)

You Know You Are Having a Bad Day When....

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. :lol:

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. :lol:

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. :lol:

You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H. :lol:

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch. :lol:

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies. :lol:

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MasterCard. :lol:

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours. :lol:

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents. :lol:

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. :lol:

You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40...and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific," and you remember that you were home by yourself. :lol:

trekkie · **Posted:** March 20th, 2006, 7:25 pm

i almost forgot this was out