Runescape Bits & Bytes :: View topic - My official Joke of the Day thread!!!

Hello, my name is none of your business. I am suffering from seven rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being mauled by squirrels, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, that a poor 6 year old girl in Texas with a potato growing out of her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? I guess stupid enough to believe that you will receive a $2 billion shopping spree at Abercrombie & Fitch... Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll meet the girl of my dreams tomorrow! What a bunch of junk.

So basically, this message is directed to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil letter leprechauns will come into my house and write "I'm a moron" on my forehead in permanent marker in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by a knight of the round table and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send out something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being who will somehow receive a nickel from my pet gecko" forwards about 90 times. It's getting old. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:
--------------------

(Scroll down) Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!

No, I'm sorry, we're out of ponies at the time being!!

Have you forgotten why you're scrolling yet?

STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5,096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be kidnapped by ninja elves and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones... THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person:
One person will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people:
2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people:
5-10 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people:
10-20 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2:
--------------------
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Leg-less, Arm-less, Parent-less, Goat-less Boy from the Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of junk. So go on, reach out. Send this to 59 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3:
--------------------
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many sad e-mail addicts with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 seconds or something horrible will happen to you like:

Bizarre Horror Story #1: Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Friday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into a sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died, too.... This could happen to you!!!

Bizarre Horror Story #2: Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his e-mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was crushed by an anvil that was dropped by a plane that just happened to be flying directly above him. This could happen to you too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4:
--------------------
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

"Friends"
A friend is someone who is always at your side...
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink like dead fish, and
your breath smells like you've been eating cat food.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you can't juggle.
A friend is someone who thinks your pants look like they were made from curtains.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life...
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be ran over by a steamroller and then thrown to vicious dogs...
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums, and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... (No, sorry that's the cleaning lady...)
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, no one will like you for as long as you live. I mean it, as long as you live.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you friendless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't annoy people by making them feel guilty about a leper in Otswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only chance of living is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know...otherwise you'll find all your socks missing tomorrow morning.

Author:	Chris [ March 4th, 2006, 2:21 pm ]
Post subject:	My official Joke of the Day thread!!!
This thread is going to be my official joke thread, where I will try to post a brand new joke at least every other day (or as long as someone posts as to not double post ) . I will post various jokes that I find all over, and at least I think are funny. You yourself can also post a joke, as long as it IS NOT OFFENSIVE in any way, shape, or form. So, to start it off.... 2029 Newspaper Headlines Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

Author:	Adbot [ March 4th, 2006, 2:21 pm ]
Post subject:	Register and login to get these in-post ads to disappear

Author:	CreepyPirate [ March 4th, 2006, 2:34 pm ]
Post subject:
Freeee post count for chris. /spam I like jokes.

Author:	Robbie [ March 4th, 2006, 4:32 pm ]
Post subject:
http://www.fartimer.com/ I just summed up your joke of the day for the next year, didn't I?

Author:	trekkie [ March 4th, 2006, 7:24 pm ]
Post subject:
not new but meh.. 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

Runescape Bits & Bytes https://www.rsbandb.com/forums/

My official Joke of the Day thread!!! https://www.rsbandb.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=27663	Page 1 of 8

Author:	Robbie [ March 4th, 2006, 8:29 pm ]
Post subject:
Memo Degredation Memo from CEO to Manager: Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. Memo from Manager to Department Head: Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day. Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you. Memo from Supervisor to staff: Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

Author:	TheMothAssassin [ March 5th, 2006, 12:17 am ]
Post subject:
Four military officers, one air force, one navy, one army and one marines, were at a major coastal base arguing over who's bravest. "The air force is bravest," said the air force officer, "Lemme show you. Jenkins!" "Yessir?" said Jenkins. "Get in your plane, fly as high as you can, then dive to the ground while spinning and pull up and land at the last second." "Yessir!" replied Jenkins, who then carried this out perfectly. "That's nothing," said the naval officer, "Watch this. Gomez!" "Yes sir?" "Swim out to the Scylla. The water is packed with man-eating sharks and if I'm not mistaken there are also several naval mines. Can you do that?" "Sir, yes sir!" Gomez swam all the way out to the frigate and climbed onto the deck unharmed. "Oh, I do believe I can do better," said the army officer, "Lee!" "Sir?" "Target practice is in session. Run across the shooting range, then pull the pin from one of your grenades, toss it into the air twice, and throw it." "Sir, yes sir!" Lee did all of this flawlessly. "Ha! I can beat that!" declared the marine officer, "Molotov!" "Yes sir?" "Fill two backpacks with munitions and wear them both. Climb onto the flagpole using only your arms, then when you get to the top, stand up and do the Charleston. I will fire five shots at you. When I have fired the shots, put your knife in your mouth and dive to the ground face first." "F--- you, sir!" The marine officer then turned to the others and said, "How's that for courage, eh?"

Author:	Adbot [ March 5th, 2006, 12:17 am ]
Post subject:	Register and login to get these in-post ads to disappear

Author:	Chris [ March 5th, 2006, 12:03 pm ]
Post subject:
Legal Laughs The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Author:	Amv [ March 5th, 2006, 12:42 pm ]
Post subject:
the armed forces one is funny.show us more only in americas!

Author:	trekkie [ March 6th, 2006, 1:32 am ]
Post subject:
an old army veteran goes to france for a summer vacation. the custom officer ask the man for a passport. "I do not have a passport with me." said the old man "Sir, have you ever been to France?" ask the officer "yes, I have." "then you should know that you need a passport." replied the officer "well the last time I was here, I did not need a passport." "Impossible! How could you get into this country without a passport!" furious, the old man replies "Son when i got here on Normandy on june 6, 1944, there wasn't anybody to ask me for a god **** passport!" a police officer pulls over a red car for speeding on the freeway. police: "May i see your license and registration please." driver" I don't have a license, this is a stolen car." police: "this car is stolen?" driver:" yeah i used my gun to steal the car. it's in the glove compartment." police" You have a gun in the glove compartment?" driver: "yeah i put in there after i stuff the owner in the trunk. the police men backs away and calls for backup. within minutes a squad of police cars surrounds the red car. the captain steps in to resolve the situation. captain: "Sir may i see your license and registration please." driver: "here you go" the license is real captain" Sir very slowly please open the glove compartment." driver:" okay but i dont know what you're looking for." the glove compartment is empty. captain: "sir, could you please come back here and open the trunk?" driver: "of course." the trunk has nothing in the back." the confused captain talks to the man. captain: "i don't get it. one of my officers said that you stole this car, had a gun and stuffed a body in the trunk." driver: "yeah well i bet you that SOB told you i was speeding too."

Author:	Robbie [ March 6th, 2006, 2:29 pm ]
Post subject:
when I drive, I'm very tempted to try the last one out

Author:	Chris [ March 7th, 2006, 3:03 pm ]
Post subject:
The Truth of Forwarding Think about this the next time you send a forward.... Hello, my name is none of your business. I am suffering from seven rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being mauled by squirrels, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, that a poor 6 year old girl in Texas with a potato growing out of her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? I guess stupid enough to believe that you will receive a $2 billion shopping spree at Abercrombie & Fitch... Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll meet the girl of my dreams tomorrow! What a bunch of junk. So basically, this message is directed to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil letter leprechauns will come into my house and write "I'm a moron" on my forehead in permanent marker in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by a knight of the round table and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. If you're going to forward something, at least send out something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being who will somehow receive a nickel from my pet gecko" forwards about 90 times. It's getting old. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: Chain Letter Type 1: -------------------- (Scroll down) Make a wish!!! No, really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! No, I'm sorry, we're out of ponies at the time being!! Have you forgotten why you're scrolling yet? STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5,096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be kidnapped by ninja elves and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones... THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes: Send this to 1 person: One person will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! Chain Letter Type 2: -------------------- Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Leg-less, Arm-less, Parent-less, Goat-less Boy from the Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of junk. So go on, reach out. Send this to 59 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!! Chain Letter Type 3: -------------------- Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no e-mail then and probably not as many sad e-mail addicts with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 seconds or something horrible will happen to you like: Bizarre Horror Story #1: Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Friday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into a sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died, too.... This could happen to you!!! Bizarre Horror Story #2: Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his e-mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was crushed by an anvil that was dropped by a plane that just happened to be flying directly above him. This could happen to you too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. Chain Letter Type 4: -------------------- As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. "Friends" A friend is someone who is always at your side... A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink like dead fish, and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food. A friend is someone who likes you even though you can't juggle. A friend is someone who thinks your pants look like they were made from curtains. A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life... A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be ran over by a steamroller and then thrown to vicious dogs... A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums, and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... (No, sorry that's the cleaning lady...) A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, no one will like you for as long as you live. I mean it, as long as you live. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you friendless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't annoy people by making them feel guilty about a leper in Otswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only chance of living is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know...otherwise you'll find all your socks missing tomorrow morning.

Author:	Anubis [ March 7th, 2006, 4:14 pm ]
Post subject:
Someone today sent me a chain letter over msn. I find it pathetic... what kind of fools actually believe "at 12 o clock tonight, if you dont repost this letter 25 times, a dead girl will come and eat your face! omgzorrs!" sighs here's something I wrote a while back... Disclaimer: Hello and welcome, to the Disclaimer! The following text is unsuitable for anyone under the age of 3 years old! If it sounds dangerous, do not try this at home.. If it sounds sarcastic, don’t take it seriously, and or if it offends you. Just Don’t Listen to it. The following text is highly sarcastic and flammable. If you do either do not know what sarcasm is or means. Is suggest you skip the reading phase of this thread, and post: I am an idiot. What is sarcasm. Hello Ladies, Gentleman, Newbs, Demons, and Imps. I, Draken, was watching Television this very morning. Quite happily watching the anime that was on, until the advertisements decided to break my viewing of this wonderful program. Don’t you just hate them? You get 10 to 20 minutes of a program, it reaches the climax, and then it stops. Well, after that, one of three things can happen; 1) A stupid ring tone advert arrives, telling you not to be ‘naff’ and to buy something which sounds almost identical to a seagull choking on a dead fish. 2) You get these people walking in the screen at a funny angle, trying to give you money. Well, what’s bad with that you say? I’ll get to that later. 3) An advert, Talking about some olympic snowboarder, and that she did it because she ate stuff, and did stuff. Then the McDonalds symbol comes up. And I’m like… What!? And its on ALL the time, I’m gonna go into McDonalds one day, and ask what on earth its got to do with fast food! Lets examine point number 1 shall we? Three pictures come on the screen, all old people, who possibly haven’t even heard of a mobile phone, some household chores. Then it shouts at you ‘NAFF?’ ‘NAFF?’ ‘NAFF?’. Apart from the fact that the word ‘naff’ hasn’t been used by any young children since probably before our generation was born, they can’t exactly say… ”Don’t be naff! Buy a naked frog with a retarded voice driving a motorbike! Buy some sort of chicken who is like those girls you see on street corners! And what’s this with a dragon singing and dancing…? That’s the sort of reputation we want to give to a cute Rabbit. Not a fire breathing dragon! Imagine the KBD practicing Ballet and or in an opera. Doesn’t the pink tutu suit him? Argh, those disgusting repetitive adverts… Come, on, if you still think a house hippo is real, then you’re an idiot. Face it. I mean, theres those Mcdonalds adverts too, they have NOTHING to do with burgers at all! People don’t go to McDonalds to eat Salad! You do that at a Pizza Hut! To accompany your pizza! Not a greasy burger which most likely has been spat in! If youre like me, you’ll go to a fgast food shop like McDonalds regularly, for cheap food and nice chips. But what annoys me even more, is when I bite into my Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I see a hair, yes, a HAIR embedded in the mush that they call a burger. I go to customer services, and say its mine. I protest that it obviously isn’t, as my hair is dark brown, the burger is obviously blonde, and about twice the length of mine. What do they do? Ignore me. Great! Well that’s businesses for you, get your money, then they kick you out on your ares. Now, point number two. Loan advertisements. Time for a little roleplay I think… ” Hello, I’m Troy McClure, you may remember me from such annoying television programs and advertisements such as ‘The voice of Spongebob Squarepants’, ‘The theme tune for the fairly odd parents’ and ‘The Darkness’ But I am here to tell you today, about how you could be paying a debt for the rest of your life! Yes, it is possible. Do you have more money going out than you have coming in? Well, don’t do the obvious thing and sell a few antiques or possessions! Borrow £7500 – £100000 off us today! We aren’t at all bothered whether you pay it back or not, because we will just take your home and make a profit! And if you do pay it back, which is highly unlikely since you cant afford the small debts you have now, we will get 7.9-11% profit a year! Wonderful wouldn’t you agree? Don’t listen to your friends! Jobs are for losers! Call this premium rate number now! 0800 I AM STUPID, I repeat, call this number now! 0800 I AM STUPID. If you live in Eire or northern Ireland, please ring this number! 09011 BANKCRUPTCY SOUNDS FUN! Call today! And make your life, full of debt and intimidating letters once and for all!” And don’t you just LOVE the way they smile on screen… Walking in telling you how to ruin your life.. with that sick twisted smile that says ‘oh wow, I’m getting £50k for doing this, how I love destroying hopeless people’s lives’ The people they get to say they’ve had a great time getting this money off them! Christ! They’re the kind of people who left home at 18 never heard of something called a job! Well I‘ve got news for those kinds of people, Get a job! Its not hard! Getting into a supermarket stacking shelves cant possibly be taxing! To those people who skipped the reading part, you truly ARE stupid. Sarcasm - A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule If you have been affected in any way by this passage of Sarcasm, offended in any way, or have had a short epileptic fit due to the contents of this passage. Please consult a medical Adviser. I did not mean to offend anyone in this thread… except those who I mentioned. Thanks! And have a great day!

Author:	Waynehead [ March 7th, 2006, 5:55 pm ]
Post subject:
Ebaums World wrote: 75 ways to order pizza. 1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 12. Stutter on the letter "p." 13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Change your accent every three seconds. 16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Imitate the order taker's voice. 23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 31. Ask to see a menu. 32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that. 36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 38. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 44. Try to talk while drinking something. 45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 48. Be vague in your order. 49. Use CB lingo where applicable. 50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 59. Put them on hold. 60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 65. Haggle. 66. Order a one-inch pizza. 67. Order term life insurance. 68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 75. Order a steamed pizza.

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Author:	murdererdood [ March 8th, 2006, 9:47 am ]
Post subject:
Some of those are amazing. I'm going to do some of them

Author:	Chris [ March 8th, 2006, 5:36 pm ]
Post subject:
10 Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers 10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say "Hold on," then scream to a nonexistent person: "If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!" 8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned. 7) Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities. 6) Tell them you'll accept their offer if they can guess your color of underwear. 5) Repeat everything they say in the form of a question. 4) As soon as they identify themselves, say, "You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds." 3) Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance. 2) Mutter: "Aww, dang. Not another one. The last Jehovah's Witness almost got me the death penalty." 1) HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!